Oh Crap!!

There are some things in this world of mine…and probably others…that bother me.

I will give you a quick perspective into what I mean.

As you get older there are things on your body that begin to decline…and just plain fall off.

Hair gets thinner or becomes one with my brush, or comb in my case.

Toe nails and finger nails change their molecular structures and become possible projectiles.

Skin becomes drier and looser. Causing the application of numerous chemical compounds to prevent friction and/or possible fire, thus causing cancer and/or addiction.

Joints pop. Back pops. Neck pops. Fingers pop. Toes pop.

Yes…Sir Pop-a-Lot.

I am not obese. I am heavy of course, DUE TO THE FACT, I have no will power where Wendys or

Taco Bell is concerned. I am a genetically engineered consumer of fast foods.

A poor man dependant on salt, sugar and fat…and Pepsi…and Bud Light…and…other stuff I can’t recall

I am a devotee of Yellow#5.

It’s sad…I agree.

I wonder if the parts of my body that are becoming useless, saggy, or just in the way, is caused by my lifestyle.

I know it is really, but denial is all I have left that is mine.

I have also come to the realization, (for it is evident) that I am a closet Hypochondriatic Paranoid.

I get little “ghost pains” and twinges, blinks, twitches and throbbing that occur for no reason…well, you know what I mean.

I can be sitting, or standing or basically breathing when I will get one of these.

Hell…I can’t even vegetate on my couch in a potatoic repose!

Here’s what happens in my brain:

A pain in my calf: “Oh crap! I’ve got a blood clot! [No ER]

A pain in my bicep: “Holy crap! I’ve got a blood clot!” [No ER]

A pain in my right side: “Oh crap! I’ve got appendicitis…or a blood clot”! [No ER]

A pain in my left side: “Holy Shit! I’m having a heart attack!” [Think about ER]

A headache is “definitely an aneurysm”. [No ER]

A bad visit to Taco Bell or Wendys: “Holy Hannah, I’ve got E Coli #2435261!” [No toilet paper]

I am getting so tired of these little pains and hypochondriatic spells…shit falling out…falling off…hanging off and just plain unpleasant to look at, or even smell.

That’s right…smell!

There are odors that escape from my body that I KNOW can only be caused by dead or dying tissues and/or failing organs.

When a grown man reaches a point in his life that he no longer smiles at his own farts, but assumes a disgusted or even alarmed reaction to them…it’s too late.

Pepto-Bismol is a lie!!

There is no going back to 21 or 25 yrs of age.

I won’t even get into the memory lapses. Well, just this observation…

I am starting to remind myself of my grandmother (Bless her heart).

I can remember things that happened when I was 3 yrs old!! Really!

But where are the truck keys? Where’s my pen? What was I just gonna do? Did I take my medicine?

Shit…I’m gonna have a heart attack!

I used to be sexy.

Quite a handsome guy.

But…now…I look like someone else’s grandpa.

I have now looked in a mirror and actually said “Good lord Trey” and not in a religious manner either.

It’s the blood clots…I’m sure of it.

I had my first real panic attack just a short time ago, from a dead sleep…woke me up! [Yes on the ER]

I knew I was dying…someone was trying to kill me…the room was getting smaller…I couldn’t breathe!…”Where’s my damn socks!” Chaos…

All my blood clots were finally breaking loose! It was terrible.

Never had a panic attack before. It lasted about 6 hrs. That is technically not an attack…it is a siege.

This only happens to old women right?

Great…I’ve turned into an old lady.

Only cost a million dollars at the ER. Thank GOD! I had insurance…my co-pay was only $300,000

Blood test (6 tubes!)
Standard chest x-ray
Oxygen tube in my nose

Got ran through the big machine that spins around and around…the people behind the screen say…”Hold your breath now!”

20 minutes later…”Now breathe”…then…Vanna claps…Pat claps…and I spin the Bankrupt…

And all I got from the hospital was a bottle of water. No pill no shot…anything to stop whatever was happening to me. I was freaking out!!

But, they didn’t worry about the poor old guy with all his shit falling off. They just ran me through all the tests during a panic attack and didn’t tell me anything! For 6 hrs!!!

The only saving grace was the x-rays were clear…

My vitals and juices were up to snuff.

And mostly…no blood clots. (I did ask them to check for me while I was there)

I think they lied though. I still get the little ghost pains.

How long does it take for a blood clot to form?