In My Cups


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For the first real time in my life, I am going to try and express, try to explain and hopefully understand, for myself, the darkest part of me. That is by all accounts, as unexplainable to me as it has been to others over the years.

Why and how I became, and continue to be an alcoholic.

First off, I don’t know how it happened in the beginning. I still don’t know why it continues. I notice that I am pausing between words as I write this. I am thinking, how I can express my thoughts into truth for people that are dear to me, and others who are just curious about my alcoholism. People that, thank God, or whatever “HIGHER POWER” they adhere to, have NO CLUE, what it is to be so…weak? Selfish? An asshole? An alcoholic mind….

Let me tell you what I think of myself, at this moment. I am sober now. I have been for some time. My mind is clear for the moment, so nothing is diluted by the cups, I write here now.

I am a good person. I worry about children, homeless people, the world, the government, and the future….pretty much the same as everyone else. I give to charities, I put money into every jar or cup in every store I go into that asks for donations for every possible calamity that has befallen a local in that particular town I am in. I am an American…therefore my guilt over being more fortunate at the time than others keeps me happy…not ashamed that every once in a while I do everything possible to eventually kill myself.

I am a good person…and I have lost every familial relationship I have ever had. I have no real friends…no best friend. I have no one that is generally, truly concerned for my welfare. The only people I know well, to some extent, I am related too. I am the crazy uncle…the goofy cousin…the fun visitor…a father whose children do not talk to him. The only time I hear from anyone is when they want to borrow money or they happen to think “I wonder if Trey is dead yet?”

The sorry thing is…I can’t blame them. I don’t blame them. I won’t…

We alcoholics, we /I are a guilt-trodden lot. We/I have tremendous regrets. We/I have apologies and explanations out the ass. We/I have things wrong in our heads We/I cannot POSSIBLY explain. We/I are selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, self-absorbed and just…off.

Here’s my question to people who wonder about me: “You actually think I like being this way?”

Do I? I don’t think I do. I hope I don’t. I don’t like walking around hitting myself on the head with a tack hammer, but it fits. Insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Do I feel insane? Only when I come out of a spree wondering “How in the hell did this happen… again?” “Where am I?” “Where’s my wallet?” “Why am I in jail?” That’s when I feel insane.

 

Here are some thoughts and comparisons:

“Normal” People

Alcoholic Me

When sick, go to doctor to feel better

When sober, go to rehab to feel better (3 times)

When craving something, think it through

When craving something, only fulfillment works

When hurting people, stop and apologize

When hurting people, don’t care. Then apologize

Social drinking…one or 2.Then stop drinking

Not possible

Feel good about oneself

Feel good about myself, but that other thing…

 

I am reasonably informed on certain things. Most alcoholics tend to be intelligent and well read. I investigate anything I am interested in to a fault. I become obsessed about any certain subject at any time. I have to learn everything about it. To know it. I love learning! I haven’t learned shit!!

But it goes without saying, that with all the rehabs I have PUT myself through…doctors, therapists, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and the tons of information through books, online forums, websites dedicated to any type of addictive attitudes, and Google searches, I have no more of an idea of why I do what I do, or have done, than the man in the moon. I can tell you everything there is to know about alcoholism, symptoms…treatments, the founders of AA, alternative “cures”…I know the 12 steps of AA by heart, I have sobriety badges in all forms…from 1 day to 1 year, but I can’t tell you…or me…why?

 I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENS TO ME! I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I AM THIS WAY! I DO NOT LIKE BEING THIS WAY!! I DO…KNOW BETTER!! But…I can’t seem to stop it. I live in fear it will happen again…like Dr. Jekyll. It is terrifying for me to know with a certainty, that it is not “if” it will happen again…but “when”.

I try and keep myself out of situations that could lead to a recurrence. No such thing as a relapse. I don’t drink and drive. I got a DUI years ago, but that was for medicine I had been given at Rehab!! I was driving 35 miles an hour down the interstate. I was a zombie. I didn’t kill anybody thank god!!

When I come to, I see all the empty bottles and cans around me. The torment washes over me like a blanket. The regret rises like poison in my throat. The feeling of being out of control and lost is a terrible thing at that moment. It is the worse feeling in the world that I can even try to explain. So…why did I do it?

I don’t know why. I have no fucking clue.

I believe in God. I have a strong faith in him and the basic goodness of man. I am grateful to have my life and the free agency to make my own decisions, good or bad. I am so very blessed in so many things that I give thanks for them all. But, is there a part of me that is evil? Is alcoholism evil? I don’t want to be evil.

Alcoholism IS A DISEASE. It has symptoms. It has characteristics that mirror each other consistently over many different cases…millions of cases. No one has a definite idea why it is prevalent in some and not in others. Some people are “carriers”, able to lead a productive life and raise families while hopelessly drunk (I know some of these people…grandmas). Some are terminal, die in no time at all. There are acute cases, there are chronic cases. It is a disease. That much I am sure of… convinced of. Do I have the disease? I don’t feel like I do. Not now at least.

But the human wreckage and carnage that I have contributed to or been the cause of  these many years to myself and others, has proven to me, without a doubt, that there is something very wrong with me. A Typhoid Mary to my loved ones, in some respect.

There have been times (several times) I have been in a motel room for days…drunk. I remember walking beside a river with only my clothes on my back, a bible in my back pocket…drunk. I remember going to church drunk off my ass. I remember walking away from apartments or houses that were mine…leaving everything in them I had bought, getting drunk…ending up in a different state and never going back. I remember donating plasma…to buy liquor or beer. I remember waking up in a ditch, the morning after payday, drunk and broke. I remember filtering out ashes and cigarettes from half empty bottles and cans to have something to stop the trembling in my hands and body. I remember not seeing my kids because I’d start drinking at 8 in the morning for hell sakes!! ASSHOLE!!!

That’s not normal!!! That ain’t right!!

The worst part…the terrible part, is what I don’t remember. Maybe its best that way…I don’t know.

I have lost so much. Due to my own fault, THAT…is the worst of all. The kicker…

And I can’t explain it. I can’t explain why.

I am sober now. I am making myself sad and angry and just plain sick writing this.

Can I stop it? God, I hope so. I am trying so hard. That’s why a recurrence is worse than the last.

I will add more later, I am sad now. I am sober now.

Will I defeat this disease? Or, for the unbelievers, will I quit being such an asshole?

I have no fucking clue…

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