I have just become aware of something…well, not just now. I’ve known it for a long time. I feel that I can trust y’all since baring part of my soul in my blog entry “My Past”. I have shown you my soul…or part of it. A slice of the dark under-belly you might say.
I’ve never told anyone about “it” in real life. My dream lady knows all too well my “differences”. But, I reveal this now because I trust you…my blog followers, and know that you will not discriminate against me.
Alright (taking a deep breath in real time)…Here goes….
I am a mutant.
Okay…I’ve said it.
I know I know, you are a little dubious about accepting this as a gospel truth. But I assure you it is a fact. I have been aware of this mutant aberration since I began black-out drinking years ago. It was the alcohol that triggered it, I’ve no doubt.
I have the innate ability to freeze a moment in time (during a drunken stupor) and step outside of my body in a SOBER state, and chastise myself for being a drunk bitch.
Here are some examples of my power, but first: DT=Drunk Trey/ST=Sober or
Trey ≤ We or DT+ST ≤ We (That’s algebra)
We are at a party at a friend’s house (aka Relatives). We have been drinking since around 10 am. We never drink before 10 because that is a rule. If we violate this rule we must admit we have a drinking problem. And like I have said…My denial is all I have left that is truly mine.
It is a typical South Georgia back-yard juke. Fire burning in a tire rim, a few of us playing guitars, drinking beer and slushy cherry moonshine…passing around a doobie or two (For our Yuppie friends, a “doobie” is an illegal marijuana cigarette…JFYI). Lots of BBQ and bullshit on the side.
BBQ and moonshine is a natural laxative…at least it is to me. I was also sitting on a stump that had an old cushion on it for comfort. But it had no back or arms to keep DT in place. In an advanced state of drunkenness my mutant ability is no longer confined to the laws of physics. I can fall in several directions at the same time at differing velocities and alternating vocal obscenities, and not drop my beer…(x+a)^n=∑_(k=0)^n▒〖(n¦k) x^k a^(n-k) 〗 …See? It’s possible…
It’s amazing to see really. They have video of it evidently.
I made my way into the house heading for the bathroom. I also have tremendous mutant ability to mistake a closet for a bathroom.
Time stops. My ability has evolved.
ST is standing there looking at DT. ST shakes his head sadly and asks DT, “Why are you shitting in a shoe box in the closet?” DT is unaware of this. He has frozen in time. ST cannot change the situation. He only shows up to bitch. “You are so embarrassing” ST continues his rant, “I can’t believe what I am seeing, they’re gonna kill you when they find that later…if they don’t walk in on you!” “Good lord that stinks!” “You…are a drunk bitch!”…
“Oh my God Timmy!” my cousin’s wife Angela shouts from the doorway. “Trey’s shittin’ in the closet!!”
My cousin Tim comes to the door running…followed by his 3 little girls…then Tim’s mom (My dad’s sister). DT just sits there like a drunk bitch. Tim says” Trey! You drunk bitch! WTF are you doing shittin’ in my closet?!” General mayhem actually, but DT is not there any longer. He’s in black-out mode. The lights are on but nobody’s home. The 3 girls are giggling. Aunt Brenda is not happy with her nephew.
That was 15 years ago. And now my cousin’s kid’s kid’s know about “The Happening”. We can only grin sheepishly. We can’t remember a DAMN thing!
Evidently DT had a thing for their bedroom. In his illustrious career as a lush…he also pee peed in their closet and on their TV…while it was on. My mutant ability protects me from electrocution which is a bonus. They also started putting up dog gates at strategic points of their house to prevent DT from wandering into undesignated privy locations.
ST has not let DT live it down.
Then there was the time that I locked the car door…with my hand in it. I was swaying there waiting on…somebody, and someone shouted at me “You drunk bitch we’re going in so and so’s car!”
ST stepped out and watched as DT reached in and locked the door, then shut it. The only problem was that he had left his hand on the top part of the door when he slammed it shut. ST winced.
DT just stood there. He didn’t scream or soil himself. He just looked thru the window at his 4 fingers on the inside of the window. He couldn’t process it. He tried to move his hand but it wouldn’t move. He pulled on his wrist, but it wouldn’t move.
ST said quietly “You drunk bitch…” Then he looked toward the house and said “Oh shit, the kids are coming” A screen door slammed. DT tried to look over his shoulder at the kinda familiar sound, while making a slight gurgling sound come out of his mouth. ST heard the oldest girl yell as she went slamming back thru the screen door “Mama! Uncle Trey’s peeing on the car!”
General Mayhem again.
ST looked at the drunk bitch. Yep, the son of a bitch had done whipped out MR. Happy in front of God and these here United States and starts pissing on a Chevrolet, while his fingers are turning blue on the inside of the car. “What the hell am I gonna do with this guy?” thought ST. Tim had come running out to the car cussing like a madman. Tim stopped when he saw the situation. DT said, grinning, “ZA car ddorsh is slocked” Tim saw the blue fingers. He fumbled in his pockets, and then chirped the door lock. He opened the door and freed the blue fingers. He gave DT a worried look and said “Cuz…you need some F’N help”. DT grinned again and hollered “Help, Help!” Then he threw up.
This is all here-say of course. I have no recollection of this Senator. They have no fingerprints (although I’m sure they have DNA somewhere) but, ST has assured me that all evidence is circumstantial. It was a long time ago after-all.
But I have never lived down the status of the Crazy Drunk Uncle.
P.S Have I ever mentioned burning a hole thru their front porch while cooking BBQ?