Rambling “Insomnial” thoughts @ 2 am

Adversity (1)

What is wrong with our world?
I am soo tired of seeing the terrible things we “civilized” beings do to one another.
[Note] Civilized
1) Bring (a place or people) to a stage of social, cultural, and moral development considered to be more advanced.
2) “a civilized society”
synonyms:enlighten, edify, improve, educate, instruct, refine, cultivate, polish, socialize, Humanize.
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This is not civilized.

Our world is spinning out of control. There seems like there is nothing that can be done. The 24 hour News Channels that bombard us with reports of calamity, murder, rape, religious zealots, nuclear fear, patricide, infanticide, genocide, kidnapping, terrorism and other terrible words I can’t think of at 2 in the morning, are so irresponsible it is alarming when I really think about it. I think about it more…a lot more the older I get.

No… it’s not alarming, it’s depressing. We are losing our grasp on reality, on what’s critical to our survival. To what’s important.

I woke up just a few minutes ago and the TV in my motel room was on. The first thing I heard was screaming. I was hearing the reports on the shootings in Kenya. 39 dead. Men, women, children…dead. 39 humans…gone. Next was another suicide blast at an Iraqi wedding or funeral. (I just went back to Google to see which it was, and it’s already gone from the page) See what I mean? So easy to be forgotten…to be discarded. Yesterday’s News.

a It’s easy to have our attention re-directed to other…more important things I guess.

I am 49 years old. I have lived longer than millions of people. My best friend was murdered when he was 33. I have been blessed to have the life that I am currently occupying. He left behind 4 daughters. There have been ups and downs of course, but I am much, much, more fortunate than say…people being shot on a basketball court in Chicago, or say at a Foot Locker in Nairobi, or in Afghanistan being shot by a terrorist wearing the same uniform as I am. I miss my friend. His name WAS Kirt Swann.

I bitch when the grocery store is out of cucumbers. I bitch when the fountain drink machine is out of Pepsi. I bitch when I can’t get a Wi-Fi signal that’s worth a fart. I bitch sometimes, just to bitch. But now that I am older and wiser I now follow the bitching with”At least I’m better off than lots more people”. Is that wrong…that I comfort myself by comparing to others misfortunes?

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I have actually started to think public beheadings would curb crime. I have actually thought that now would be a good time for Superman to show up. I have actually thought about killing myself because I am tired of the ugliness of this world. But evidently I am a sadist and want to see what happens next. I am always disappointed that what does happen is more than what I could have imagined. I am now positive that “Ignorance is bliss”.

Would a King work? Could a dictator bring things back into order? Is Jesus really coming back? I wouldn’t if I was him. “I think that a flood is in order” says God. He knows that he promised not to sink us again, that’s what rainbows are for. But fire isn’t that big of a threat…right? We can make our own fire. We can’t make it rain though, at least not yet.

It takes a physical and mental effort to keep a positive attitude these days. The immediate information technology that we have in our hands can be a wonder, and is most definitely a distraction. I NOW know for a fact that too much information is a bad thing. Sometimes I just don’t wanna know what’s going on in other countries. I have problems of my own.
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Pretend like you’re in space floating above the earth. Can you see me? Can you see the Barrier reef next to Australia? Yeah, the reef that’s gonna kill all the fish because the coral is dying. Can you see Myanmar? Can you see the drug cartels in Mexico? Can you see me now?
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That’s right. You can’t see me. So how can I make a difference in the world? How can you? We’re not even a speck from space. We’re no longer a gleam in our father’s eye. Our gleams are fading.

But guess what? I have just realized that I’m an optimist…I reckon. As I am writing this I have been bouncing back and forth between the Web and Word. I just noticed that I was starting to get angry about all these thoughts I am having at 2:55 am on a Sunday morning. I don’t want to hate my world. I don’t wanna distrust my neighbor. I don’t want to be worried about going to a mall, or a racetrack, or a crowded place worrying about a crazy person busting caps in my ass!
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I want to make a difference. But how?

My first thought is that actions are the best way. Monetarily I am like many people on this earth that is 2 paychecks or one disaster from being homeless. Try and try as I have to be thrifty, I have never been able to be reach or maintain “comfortable”. So I can’t do much that way.

I am a truck driver. I see a lot more of the country than millions of people that never leave their city or home town. I see “Now Hiring” signs everywhere. Seriously. They are hiring everywhere! I see abandoned warehouses right next to a new one being constructed. I can never figure that out. Why build something new when you’ve got a perfectly good building right there?

My job may not seem that much to most people, but I love hauling food products. I feel like that is an important job. I am actually looking at getting a job with “Feed the Children”. It’s the one way I can feel like I am actually doing something “more” important.

I’m finally getting sleepy again.

I will leave you with this question:

“Why can’t it be a beautiful day…every day?


2 thoughts on “Rambling “Insomnial” thoughts @ 2 am”

  1. I know exactly how you feel. When you stop…and pause…it seems too much information, pain, and unrest is in the world. I have many people around me who swear I am here for a special purpose, and I will make a difference. I keep thinking, as I do things in my life, “This was the one thing I was placed here to do. I have done it now I can leave this crappy earth.” Then I wake the next morning and I am still here. Depressing. I then wonder what else I need to do. I have done a ton of volunteer work, and I know there are many out there who have done more than me, but I have done more than most. Still not enough. I attempted to have children, which is what I thought I was supposed to do, didn’t happen. I have tried everything, I have not always been good, I swear like a sailor, I get mad, I get frustrated, and then I just want to give up. I ask the Universe, what the hell else do you want from me? No answer. I think she constantly keeps her phone off the hook, or forgot to pay the bill. In my current situation, if anything happened to my Mom (nursing home or death) I would be out of a home within a month. I would have to give up my crew of three, or at least the cats, and I don’t know how I would be able to be homeless when I can’t even take the damn dog for a decent walk around one apartment building because of my damn knees. So, yes, I live in real fear, and am up at the very inkling of a sound from my Mom’s room on any given night. I check on her more than she knows, and it is not all in selfishness either. She is now planning on going on a one week trip, by bus, to Northern California to see my sister. You have no idea the fear and pictures this suddenly put in my head. There had just been a bus full of soldiers that turned over in the South somewhere. I don’t remember if there were any dead, but I am thinking they were at least healthy men who probably had a better chance at surviving a roll over than my Mom would. There are so many drunk drivers, drivers who take drugs, and I am talking employed drivers as well, the whole thought of her going scares the living hell out of me (well I guess nothing could really scare the hell out of me, I think I was born with a good chunk which I will never be rid of). I think of her having heart problems, a stroke, on and on.
    I think Feed the Children is a very worthy cause. This is the charity I used to give to regularly, http://americansfeedingamericans.org/, as they work with drivers and Americans mainly. I do feel for the people of the world, but I see and have been associated with too many starving people in America to have my little amount of money going out of the country.
    I guess somehow, we all make a little difference, hopefully good, and then all those goods add up to a real big Wow! I would just like to know I was part, even a little of a Wow! someday. I would like to really know I made a difference, not just get an award or certificate for my wall. Maybe I am not looking at my deeds the right way, but I feel useless, especially now that I am homebound. At least you are out there amongst the people, can make people smile here and there, can be kind to a waitress and make her day: the point is you are able to be out touching people’s lives right now. That is cool, and something I envy.
    If you think about these things, and they bother you, then you are worth having around. It is the people who are contributing the dysfunction of society, or those who are numb to it, who are not worth having around.
    Check out the website if you like.

    1. Thank you and I will check it out. But remember, I drive a truck. I live in a bubble. When I close my door, I am free. I live in a world of fiction, fantasy and mystery. I live with my audiobooks. As long as we have guilt, I guess we’ll be okay! LOL!!

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