Holy Hannah!!

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My feet were kinda itching from wearing socks and shoes. I usually wear sandals when I drive, for comfort and non-stinkyness. Truckers aren’t supposed to wear sandals when driving, but Johnny Law don’t have to live with our feet…do he?


As I was reaching my orgasmic plane while scratching the in-step of my right foot, I noticed something.

I HAVE A MOTHER-SUCKING VARICOSE VEIN!!! On my right calf! Where…in…the…hell…did that come from?! I have a varicose vein?! I’ve only just turned 49 years old and I’ve got a granny leg?!!

I’ve been noticing a few twinges or burning sensations in my calf for the last little bit, but I chalked it up to my Hypochondriatic paranoia. (See post Oh Crap!)
You know…? Ghost pains. I’d rub it or flex it and it would go away for a while. I didn’t think much about it. We never do…do us? I must still have the “indestructible” attitude of a younger man, despite the fact that all my shit is starting to sag, turn colors and smell.

Denial…what a beautiful place. Outside of Egypt somewhere I think…I here it’s nice there all year round.

This freakin’ vein is about as wide as my fat ass finger and just as long! It hasn’t turned granny blue yet, but who knows what it will do? What if it burst? What if there’s a blood clot?!


I just checked my left calf…no sign of a granny leg yet thank God.

I also just Googled “Varicose Veins” and there are treatments. There are direct injections into the vein. Don’t really want to think on that option quite yet. I’m not scared of needles mind you, just the doctor that had a fight with his wife, then strangled her, and left her body in the fire place and found out his insurance policy he had on her cancelled last Tuesday. And I’m the first one in the office with the same last name as his wife’s maiden name, before she turned into a soul sucking bitch!

That…is how my brain works.

Hypochondriatic Paranoia is a terrible thing.

The next treatments are prescriptions of course. But I am not taking pills that have worser side effects than the freakin’ vein! I can handle the varicose vein, but not the liver failure, kidney failure, bloody stools, leaking stools, black stools, no stools, or the ever terrifying blood clots I so dread.
Pills are a no go…just ask Tom Cruise.


What am I gonna do now?
Google also suggests that walking and exercise will reduce the vein somewhat, and that will prevent others from “popping” up. As a truck driver y’all understand that the majority of the time, we are sitting for hours. When I stop for rest, the last thing I wanna do is walk. I wanna sleep. That’s the Catch 22. Either I get off my big fat lazy ass and walk…or suffer more granny legs. Which do I hate worse? I’ll have to weigh my options.

Hmmm…maybe I’ll risk the shot.

P.S. While I’m checking my calf again I notice that it is time for a pedicure. I don’t think my toe nails are supposed to be yellow and white. Are they?

12 thoughts on “Holy Hannah!!”

  1. This Blog made me laugh out loud!!!!! I inherited these varicose veins genetically from my Mom and they SUCK! Excellent Blog!

      1. I’m serious, living in chronic pain I don’t laugh at all, and your Blog has me laughing out loud. The stories are so flipping true and you being brutally honest makes them even funnier!!!!!

      2. Truth is stranger than fiction…and funny as hell!!! If I couldn’t laugh at myself what’s the point of laughing at all? I baffle me…

      3. Working on it as we speak! I think I’ve created a new phobic distinction with Hypochodriatic Paranoia With OCD tendencies… LOL!

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