There are lots of wonderful people in the world. They are kind, considerate and empathetic. They are sensitive to another’s needs and quick to offer advice when needed. There is only one problem though:
They mean well.
If any of you have read these, you are aware of my…problem.
I am a victim of Hypochondriatic Paranoia (to be referred to henceforth as HP). I made up the word because it seems to cover the entire spectrum and endless parameters of my “condition”. Those ailments that have happened…are happening or are going to happen.
It is a total figment of my imagination and I’m cool with that.
I am a firm believer that if it can be thought of…it can happen. I am also one year away from my 50th birthday and have come to accept the fact that I am not as spry or young as I used to be. I’m just glad it hasn’t affected my handsomeness.
It’s not the roads I traveled…it’s the miles baby!
Here is a scenario for y’all…tell me if this has happened to you.
You are explaining to a friend or acquaintance that you have a newly discovered ailment. We do that sort of thing after 40. Weather…Politics…ailments, that’s what we talk about.
After you explain the chronology, biology, incubation, and personification of said ailment, your friend looks concerned. Even makes sympathetic overtures and comforts you. Then…just as soon as they have convinced you it’s not all that bad…
They do it!
They either have had the same ailment (only much worse of course) or know someone or even knew someone that had something like you described. Unfortunately the one they “knew” has passed away, but they don’t know if that particular ailment was the cause of it.
HP scale 1-10? ….5
Then they start describing the ailment. The only problem is that for victims of HP, every time they describe a sunzabitchin’ symptom it is instantly locked into our minds as if though it’s been there the whole…damn…time!! “Hell yeah…it’s happening right now!” “Damn, I didn’t notice that particular symptom, but now that you’ve described it…”
HP scale 1-10?…7
Holy Shit! As this nice person keeps explaining the several different variations, symptoms and related diseases that can, has or might cause this ailment…shit that I’m definitely gonna Google, The HP enters its infectious stage. I begin to feel the pain in my left side. I can feel a blood clot forming in my leg. The very thing that this person is explaining as a possible cause for my ailment begins to fester and become chronic….becomes real.
HP scale 1-10?…9
You don’t do that to victims of HP! Don’t explain your related ailments then add big scientific names to them! And for God Sakes don’t tell them the symptoms or what to check for! They’ll never leave the freaking house! My insurance won’t even begin to cover me for the things I “think” are wrong with my dumb ass!
WebMD is a drug for victims of HP. It was created just for us. We are the life blood of pharmaceutical companies! We are the trail blazers in the Land of Pharmacopeia! We suffer so that mankind can prosper and be symptom free…
Now, while I’m sitting here in my truck writing this, I can feel that my varicose vein is throbbing and feels hot to the touch. My left shoulder is tight and feels hot. I think I’m getting a toothache…my cheek feels hot.
HP scale 1-10?…10
Why would y’all do that to me? You know I suffer from HP. If you have an ailment that seems to match the symptoms of any of mine…don’t tell me. Just say something like “Oh, you’re full of shit Trey, there’s nothing wrong with you…you’re too young and handsome to have problems like that”.
Is that too much to ask?
I know you mean well…but humor the crazy person.