Patient M


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The man had decided to go to a specialist.

Dr. Jekyll sat there looking across the small gap that separated him from his new patient. He had told his staff that when they had began the new approach to the prevention therapy, that the patients would be given a simple alphabet letter to identify them, so as not to become too attached or distracted by the patients woes or their part in the treatment.

“This is patient M” the doctor thought to himself, trying to look like he was attentively reading a legal pad on his lap. The new approach to the therapy included a comprehensive and wide sweeping background investigation and the novel tactic of just sending one of his highly trained…and HIGHLY PAID assistants to follow the patient for a minimum of 3 months, while the patient went about their lives…oblivious to being watched, scrutinized, and vetted.

Every possible avenue of investigating the prospective patient was covered, the doctor hoped. Talking to the patient’s neighbors, children, peers, Starbucks workers or even perfect strangers the patient spoke to on the subway for a brief moment. You can tell a lot about a person from how they communicate or interact with someone they have never met before, the doctor was sure of.

M sat there looking at his fingernails, crossing and re-crossing his legs. Fidgeting in his seat, M was trying to impress upon the doctor that he was becoming impatient and wanted to get started. The doctor knew this technique. Hell, everybody does it when they want to hurry things along.
The doctor ignored him. It was a set therapeutic rule that the doctor has to look at the patients file for at least 1 hour before starting the interview. How people displayed their impatience was another signal from their psyche.

The only problem was that the file he was looking at, that had been compiled by his investigators, had a very terse summary on the final page. In big block letters it simply reported that patient M…
IS AN ASSHOLE.

“Great” mumbled Dr. Jekyll to himself for the 3rd time. But he knew his team well. They wouldn’t put anything in a file that was not of use or incorrect. This guy had been picked apart. So, he must be a true asshole.

The doctor spoke with M for about 30 minutes before ending the session. As M shut the door behind him, Dr. Jekyll was convinced that the man didn’t need therapy. He IS an asshole!

Dr. Jekyll called in his team and began the treatment plan:

DJ- “Okay…let’s start with his racism…plans?” He looked at his assistants A, B, and Z.

A- “We are going to poke out his eyes, so he can’t tell what color a person is”( Jekyll raises an eyebrow)

B- “What about when he hears them talk, if there’s an accent?”

A- “We’re going to bust his ear drums too” (DJ raised both eyebrows)

B- “Hmmm…radical, but….effective I guess in this case.”

DJ- “Okay, I approve the treatments for the racism. Now, the hating kids part along with hating his neighbor’s part as well. Can we bundle these two?”

Z- “Yes doctor, we have hacked the federal sex offender registry and entered his name as a violent predator” Z looked at his notes again “And we have posted a sign in his front yard that warns people of this fact”

DJ – “Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about him seeing it?” They all guffawed merrily…Good one.

DJ – “What about the smoking?”

A- “We will wait until he buys a pack, then swap it with a doctored pack that will curb his cravings”

DJ- “…Doctored…?

B- “The cigarettes are mixed with horse shit, then they are soaked in dog piss, allowed to cure then put into a box that matches the brand he uses” The 3 assistants beamed proudly.

DJ- “Makes sense, since everything this patient hates is either horse shit or dog piss…brilliant approach guys!” They all clapped.

DJ- “What about…the homophobia?”

A- “We’re working on that sir…he doesn’t really seem to go out much since he hates crowds and bars…and most everyone he meets.”

B- “He tends to….play with himself a lot sir” DJ raised both eyebrows again.

Z- “I don’t think the homophobia will be a big deal since he won’t be able to see or hear, will it?”

DJ- “No…I don’t think so, but let’s swap his stroke lotion with Ben Gay or crazy glue…hell! Mix ‘em together for this guy.” The 3 assistants scribbled on their note pads.

DJ- “Finally…summations?”

A/B/Z – “There’s no real cure for being an asshole sir.”

Doctor Jekyll – “Agreed”

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