It’s Christmas !!



There are some nice people in this world. They are courteous too.

Sometimes….too courteous.

I was standing at the Fuel desk of a Pilot truck stop waiting on my turn to get my fuel receipts. If any of y’all have ever stopped at a large truck stop you know how busy and crowded it can get in there sometimes.

There were other drivers and customers close to me, milling around in a loose queue waiting their turn. I noticed that some were line hopping, trying to gain that precious minute that would make or break their day. Most people are gifted with a precognitive ability to line hop at the perfect time.

I do not have this ability.

If I try to line hop, it will throw off the rotation of the earth and distort the space-time continuum causing the cash register to fail, the server to go down, the cashier to go on break or a price check for an item that is all the way along the back wall of the store in the furthest dark corner AND OF COURSE it’s on the top shelf that is also missing the UPC code for scanning. So…I know better than to line hop now, although the temptation is still there.


There is a woman holding a child (about 2 years old I guess) and another little girl close to her hip (about 5 yrs old). My spider-sense, and years of training as a Ninja Assassin in the Himalayas make me aware that there are others close by within sword range. Plus, I looked around and seen them. I’m thinking, “Which one of these people are gonna go bat shit and starting busting caps in our ass?” It’s a sad, lonely world for us Hypochondriatic Paranoid Schizophrenic Ninja Assassins.


The little girl tells the woman that she wants to go to another line. The woman says no, I can sense that she is obviously a line hopper precognitive. The little girl asks her 2 times more over the next 2 minutes, with the same negative. I am seeing this and hearing this, because with my training as a super secret, secret service guy I am able to follow this exchange between the 2 ladies without seeming interested. Plus, I already looked once.

The little girl starts crying. She starts off with a slow gurgling sob then quickly escalates into the soprano range. The little girl is simultaneously tugging on her mom’s purse and banging the purse against her mom’s leg. During all this the mother has swapped the 2 year old to her other hip, obviously in an effort to free her right hand so that she can reach for either a valium or a tazer. I was hoping for the tazer…or light saber.

Everyone around us was covertly watching and listening. I could sense it. Plus, I seen them watching. Y’all know how you act when you pass a screaming meemee at Wal-Mart that a mother is trying to ignore?!

Don’t lie!

We all just keep strolling by with a shit-eating grin and a look of compassion on our face. Not for the child mind you! Of course not, “If that was my kid I’d beat the holy shit outta them!” You say to a perfect stranger. The perfect stranger nods and says “My kids know better”. You take this as a slight against your parenting skills and quickly lop off their head, and spit on their corpse.

 In your mind at least.


The frustrated mommy finally cracks and says in a hushed holler (mom’s are great at this…wish I could do it) “What?!” she hushedly hollers. “Why do you wanna move so bad, we’ll lose our place in line…we’re almost there!” She hushedly hollers again. When the little girl replies with 3 straight “Becauses” the mom says “Well, you’re gonna have to give me a reason” then she turns her face from the little soprano meemee to show her mommy power and heroic fortitude.

Now the little girl has her face buried against her mother’s purse, grasping at it as if though it is a life line. She looks like she’s trying to push herself into the purse and thru her mother’s leg. She mumbles something into her mother’s purse, then…for some reason….the little soprano looks over her shoulder at ME!! Then buries her face and mumbles something again. I look at the others around me as if saying
“Why’d she look at me?”

With the skills only a mother has, she swaps the purse and 2yr old again. Even with my training as a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, I never actually saw her move, or make the swap. It just happened!

Ninja training my ass. I want my money back!

The mommy has now knelt down next to the child and is listening to the little soprano whispering in her ear. The mommy nods then looks at me! Again…I look at the others around me as if saying
“Why’d she look at me?”

The mommy stands up. She looks around nervously. She looks down at the little girl and say’s “You should tell him, maybe he doesn’t know…that would be a very considerate and nice thing to do” I look from the little girl to the mother. “What?” my spider-sense is ringing like a fire alarm now. The little girl is hesitant for a moment or two. Then, with righteous might she strolls up to me and pulls on my hand to bring me down to her level. . I look at the others around me as if saying “Why she pulling on me?”

Looking into her small, cute little girl eyes, I kneel down to find out why she has been so distressed.

Still holding my hand, she looks over her shoulder to her mother. Mommy nods with reassurance and pride for her child’s bravery.

The soprano turn’s back to me and says “You stink bad”.

After lopping off her head in my mind, I just look at her for a second and say, “Dang…I’m sorry I didn’t even notice, but thank you for telling me”

She smiles, turns and goes back to her mother. They changed lines.

I look around me at the others. Most of them are grinning at me. One is nodding.

One lady said “That took guts”

With the speed of a highly trained Tibetan Shaolin Kung Fu swordsman, I lop off their heads and split them down the center. I spit on their corpses.

In my mind.

I feel a tug on my pants leg. I look down. It’s the screaming meemee again.

She is rubbing a freaking Christmas tree air freshener against my leg. I’m dumbfounded.

She looks up at me with those big blue eyes that I wanna pop out and says”Mommy bought it for you”

I…will…not…look…at mommy!

I grin down at the little Banshee and tell her thanks. I loop the little string around my wrist and start to muss  her hair, but she steps back in revulsion, swatting at my hand yelling “Don’t! You stink!” She runs back to her mom, by now whose face has reached nuclear red.

I smile at mommy now…she bursts into flames in my mind.

I turn back and look at the others around me.

I said “That was considerate of her”

The little shit…

4 thoughts on “It’s Christmas !!”

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