Regret

I’ve loved 2 women in my life…

The first was my high school sweet-heart. Her name is Mindy, and we still talk to this day.
She is a great chick, top notch human, and pretty beautiful for an old gal…
(Don’t hurt me Funk)

The second was my wife. I’ll call her Donut for fear of future retribution.
We talk now occasionally…
I usually end up crying.
She tells me to get over it…
Right….

I met her when she was 15.
She is of Spanish-English stock. She stood about 5’ tall, weighed about 105 lbs, had shoulder length dark brown hair, big brown eyes and lips to die for.
She was a gymnast and had bigger muscles than me.
I taught her to drive with a manual transmission.
She was there when I graduated from the police academy.
She was beautiful. And I fell madly in lust and love.

God I love that girl.

Everything about her was magic to me.

I could just watch her from across the room, sitting on the couch in her PJ’s, eating a bowl of cereal, concentrating on the TV and feel my chest hurt. I would almost cry just watching her. Everything she was or did took my breath away.

The smell of her hair when it was still damp from a shower.

The small of her back when I held her.

How she would chew her Saturday morning cereal.

The way she would giggle at the TV and ask me if that was real.

Her breath in my ear, her lips across my shoulders when we practiced making babies.

I watched her give birth to the ones we practiced really hard for.

She cried after her epidural, asking me to rub her legs because she couldn’t feel them anymore. I was her hero she sobbed.

She liked to pick my black-heads. She called me a baby when I screamed or passed out.

Then…she told me she didn’t love me anymore.

Then…she said she wanted a divorce.

Then…she told me she had been with other men.

Men…that I knew.

Men that I saw every day…every week.

That was the moment I realized that I really didn’t want a heart after all.
That was the day I died.
The first Trey died that day.

For a long time I told anyone who cared to listen (until they were sick of it) that I never seen it coming.

For a long time I told anyone who cared to listen, that it was all her doing

For a long time I told anyone who cared to listen that I wasn’t to blame

For a long time I told anyone who cared to listen that I wasn’t paying her any child support because SHE LEFT ME!!

For a long time I told anyone who cared to listen that I was the wronged one.

For a long time I told myself lies.

For a longer time, I had ignored my wife.

The sad thing about growing old is the day that we no longer bullshit ourselves about our short-comings and the mistakes we have made in our lives. We tend to hold honesty and truthfulness to the highest standards. It’s probably because we don’t care if people like it or not. Or…we just want to finally face the pain.

I treated Donut like a toy. She was shiny and pretty. She wasn’t real to me. She wasn’t a person.

But, I know now that I was not mature enough or aware…that there were other beings on this earth that had feelings.

That there was a woman that actually loved me at one time.

She told me so…many times.

That… she loved me.

I wasn’t mean to her. I didn’t cuss or hit her. I just…didn’t give her my best.

I mistreated her hope in me.

There is nothing in this world or universe that is more devastating to a prideful man or woman than when their spouse…their heart….tells them that they have been with other lovers.

Oh…My…God

I’m not going to try and explain the pain, because all of you dear readers can imagine it. And probably a good part of you have experienced it. I am so sorry anyone has ever felt that betrayal.

Did she betray me? In some sense maybe…I don’t know. I still have problems with that part.

It’s not easy to convince yourself of that type of admission. To face that…reality?

How did I survive those next years? I have no idea.
It probably helped that my heart was gone. It probably helped that my soul was gone. It probably helped that my reason for living was still here…but, gone.

The big problem over the past few years (after my worse alcoholic stretch) is when I came to grips with the fact that I drove her away, and how I’d done it.

Without realizing I was doing it.

That’s what kills me now. I didn’t realize it.

God I hate regret.

I’ve always told people I want my tombstone to read “Here is a good man that died with a clear conscience”

So much for that…

I never saw it coming…then

Her leaving me…

That’s what I regret the most.

I wasn’t paying attention to my lover, my friend, the mother of my children…

My wife.

It’s been 23 years since our divorce. I hurt now as I did then.

She tells me to get over it…that it was a long time ago

Right…it was 5 minutes ago to me.

Fresh as new rain…

It’s a part of me now.

I cry if I think about it too much.

What a bastard I must be in this awake place.