Skills


Chainsaw-Uni-Juggle-SM_1258

I’m not bragging or boasting…no more than usual at least

But I’d like to share with you…some of the skills that set me apart from the rest of y’all.

These talents were bestowed upon me by powers greater than you or myself. I have to give a shout out to a bit of a Valhalla bent, a Mt. Olympus tilt and of course…just plain God-given gifts.

I want to express my utmost humility in this endeavor and stress that I never asked for these extraordinary abilities. I am just a human being that was fortunate enough to have been born into a higher gene pool than most.

No…No…its okay.

I don’t mind you asking. I try to make sure the little people of the earth find a reason to go on living and reaching for their dreams. Maybe my light can show them the way to a higher plane of fulfillment and getting the most out of their low-born status.

There is a sense of charity, I guess, in sharing my omniscience in most fields of known stuff. I don’t even try to categorize all of my talents anymore. There are so many. I don’t even know if I am proficient in a particular field, study or endeavor until a situation arises and I conquer it. I can’t explain it, it just happens…like popcorn.

Like these 3 turkeys:

1) Albert Einstein – Theory of Relativity
I knew about this way before Einstein. I know I wasn’t born yet, but I was a glint in my dad’s dad’s eye and I was aware even then that when you have time, relatives show up.

2) Leonardo DaVinci – Mona Lisa and other stuff
I have a big problem with this guy. Everybody’s screaming and hollerin’ about how great the Mona Lisa is. I look at it and think “Hell, at least show her boobs!” Italian chicks have great racks!!

3) Walt Disney – Cartoons
I don’t know how he came up with his ideas but I know that I don’t have to take LSD to see talking mouse’s, ducks, dogs, teapots and other things.

These are only a smidgen of the wanna-be’s of history.

They’re Peasants….compared to my prowess.

Now, back to my humbling god-like abilities:

1) I can forget what I was doing at any given second. Much faster than the above average person.

2) I can fall asleep in any position as long as I have my Ambien.

3) I can hallucinate in any position…as long as I have my Ambien.

4) I can make up an excuse so fast, that I believe it before I’m even finished with it.

5) I can eat a whole bag of grapes at Wal-Mart without any one ever seeing me. It only takes about 45 round trips to other aisles to throw off suspicious parties.

6) I can look at a woman and know instantly that she does not find me attractive…or know that I’m following her.

7) I can forget what I was doing at any given second. Much faster than the above average person.

8) Wait….I already said that

Anyways…

9) I can look at a full trash bag and know someone else is going to take it out…Instantly

10) I can look in a mirror and know for a fact that…yes, I am better looking than yesterday

11) I can look at my naked body in a full length mirror and know for a fact, that there’s someone else in my house

12) I can hold my breath for 20 seconds while I bend over to tie my shoes. That’s why I told NASA about Velcro.

13) I can hold 300 full Wal-Mart shopping bags with 5 fingers, while trying to push the cart into the little cart corral thingee

14) I have better times for sex than professional bull-riders. They’re off in 8 seconds…I’m off in 5

15) I can put off everything that must be done without blinking an eye

16)

17) ….See?

18) I can convince anyone in the world that they are the most important person to me….other than me

19) I can harbor ill-will, animosity, anger, murderous thoughts and spite for anyone at any moment. I was gonna say jealousy or envy, but when I looked up the words, I realized they’re not in my vocabulary

20) I can think of only myself and never EVER consider someone else’s opinion…Instantly

21) I can make decisions and never EVER consider the consequences or legal statutes

22) I can start out a new post with no idea what its gonna be about and still crank one out, this one not withstanding.

I rest my case Perry Mason….

You’re Welcome for my time,

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16 thoughts on “Skills”

      1. I can’t stop reading! I’m gonna regret this in a few hours. But I’ll have had the best laugh I’ve had since ….actually during the week. Somebody on twitter and I got into one and it was good for mileage on the laughometer.
        But this is fun. I know you’re laughing at yourself and that really is a X-Man rated skill.x

  1. Ok, from the other side of the pond, I like #4. Wait, I really like all of them, well except for how fast, well…something to do with cowboys. Yes, you are quite insane, and your writings are often inane.
    Love your stuff. Keep up the craziness, helps with all the serious stuff.
    Peace

      1. Yeah, questions? LOL You are silly, a great majority of the time. Then you have your serious side, albeit small, but it is there. Keep being inane (not stupid, I don’t go for calling anyone stupid, a pet peeve which has landed some black eyes and broken eardrums), but you are silly.

      2. Well, stick with me and eventually you shall pick up all kinds of new words. I didn’t go through all the edumacation for nuttin’. I have been called the “Word Nazi” before…granted I was high and so was everyone else, but I did gain that title. Thinking of having it put on a gold plate and adding to all the other junk on my walls (Degrees, awards, certificates, etc.).
        Headache finally gone, now I am just friggin’ tired from the meds. Had to resort to a pain pill, and I hate doing that in the day.
        Peace

      3. Yeah, I get you like Ambien. I had those for a while, but my body built up a tolerance to them too fast, and then they wanted to double them. I am not into ‘cocktails’ so I said no, since they don’t work long enough at one strength for me to continue them. I was thinking about Shaun’s new pill, but damn, the side effects are crazy making.

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