Promises Made

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When I become rich after my first novel, I promise not to remember all the little people I stepped on to reach my lofty perch.
Unless they’re famous too….

I promise that when I leave the bank after cashing my first multi-million dollar royalty check, I will never again step over a homeless person without
giving them a buck or two.

I promise that after I buy my first Ferrari I will not run down hitch-hikers to see if it looks like it does in the movies.

That’d look cool though…

I promise that when I go to my book signings I will not put little notes in them like…”Call me” or “Show me your boobs” or “ Do me now”, like other famous authors do…

I will accept topless WOMEN photos and phone numbers for my “I Wanna Do Treyzguy Fan Club”

I promise that when my novel is adapted for a movie I will not insist on a gratuitous sex scene with Angelina Jolie….or Brad Pitt.

I promise that if the blood sucking producers force me to act in the gratuitous sex scene, it will only last an hour.

I’m waiting on their call….

I promise that I will not use my celebrity status to get into fine restaurants or high dollar rehab centers.

I will use an alias…

I promise that when I get a star on Grauman’s Chinese Theatres Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, and put my handprints there, I will not act like I’m allergic
to cement and sue them for millions.

I am allergic to Chinese however…

I promise that with all of my millions I will buy one share of Starbucks. Nobody is rich enough to afford two shares after they’ve bought a Quadriginoctuple Frappuccino with 48 shots of espresso, in a Venti Mocha Frappuccino with soy mocha drizzle, matcha powder, protein powder, caramel brûlée topping, strawberries, two bananas, caramel drizzle Frappuccino chips and vanilla bean.

Not even Bill Gates…

I promise that when I am famous, I will not pretend that I am above the laws of the land.

I will INSIST on it….

I promise that when I am bored I will not write stupid post about stupid stuff…

I swear it…

Humbly yours,

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6 thoughts on “Promises Made”

  1. Yep, I hear ya. But you know it won’t happen with a first novel. Nope, even when the first novel gets accepted, most of us still wolf Ramen and Mac & Cheese, until we get known. It usually takes three novels to even have a remote chance. Don’t mean to crush hopes, ’cause I know that this reality bites. Just sayin.

  2. Well, I am so glad we got all that out of the way. Now I am printing this out and having it notarized so that it will be a permanent record of your promises. Question: Are you going to continue and drive your truck, just to be able to be seen amongst the little people? It would help your cred. Just sayin….

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