Doctors Orders


After 49 years I have decided to quit drinking Pepsi.

I can no longer take comfort from high fructose corn syrup due to this whole death by Diabetes fad

I must go cold turkey from the caffeine because there is no rehab for it

I can’t drink coffee because it goes in one hole and out the other in less than 3 minutes. Basically… Renal Failure

I don’t like to drink water because it tastes like…. Water.

I am swearing off of carbonated drinks all together. That’s probably most everything now that I think about it…

I am swearing off all concentrated fruit juices because I have trouble staying focused on just one thing.

No fried foods?

Since that is about 80% of a truck drivers diet I should be dead in about 30 Days….

Unless I switch to Subway and do the Jared diet.

Have you seen that fat bastard lately?

Besides,  I HATE Subway! That’s just about all you see at truck stops now!

You have to go heavy on the veggies and condiments to kill the taste of the meat!

I hope I have the will power to see this through.

But,  I don’t like drinking anything but Pepsi.

That will be the hardest part for me.

My doctor said “No sugar, low salt,  no soda, no fried foods you fat bastard, very little red meat, more water and exercise more”

I told him I’ll get lots more exercise when I drag his dead ass to the river for telling me crap like that!

He told me that if I wanted to live a healthier life and feel better about my fat ass,  I’d better listen to him. 

I told him I should have killed him when we were in high school together, but since I knew his parents I would spare them the grief of a funeral and follow his advice.

He said thank you and asked me if I needed help getting thru his door and a fork lift to help get my fat ass into my truck.

As I left thru the nurses station I told his nurses that the doctor needed help getting his underwear out of his crack….


9 thoughts on “Doctors Orders”

      1. Or ‘Trapped Yankee’. Most of the New Yorkers I met in Central Florida moved there under the BS that people love NY workers. They don’t and then you’re stuck with a cheap house that you can’t sell.

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