You’ve Lost Your Damn Mind!

I just took stock of my situation and realized I had sold my stock for 5¢ on the dollar.

My whole life flashed before my eyes and I wasn’t in it.

I pulled up my boot straps and decided to get’er done. Then I noticed I wasn’t wearing any pants.

How come every time I think I’ve lost my damn mind, I always find it under the couch?

I thought about all good things come to those who wait, but I’m AD/HD so that shit don’t work.

I had heard that beggars can’t be choosers, but all the beggars I know choose to hang out by all the stores I shop at.

Once I watched a pot….and it boiled…then caught on fire.

People say “Don’t cross that bridge until you come to it”. Well…I tried, and it was a one lane street…going the wrong way…and it was under construction.

I’ve heard tell that flattery will get you nowhere…..That’s just bullshit.

As I have said many times…I do not believe that playing with your self will make you go lowudjgnsofkjfbndkbnnb..nd!

They say that opportunity only knocks once. Well, it may knock at my house but I’m never home.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place you may have heard. I beg to differ. I’ve been struck 10 times and every time was during a thunderstorm.

They salute “Put your best foot forward!” I’m not pulling out my pecker in public!

There is nothing more hilarious than the blind leading the blind…in a round room…full of cats.

It goes without saying…Go…!             Just saying…

I’d like to meet the doctor who says that the way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. Now come on…all us men know that’s a buncha crap.

The pen is mightier than the sword you may say. Well, if you pull a pen on me I’m probably gonna kick your ass. Pull a sword on me, and you’ll die from lead poisoning.

One good turn deserves another said the guy who invented the circle jerk.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger…unless you get your arms and legs chopped off.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it…it…it….it….it….it….it….it…etc.

Don’t judge a book by its cover…Playboy begs to differ.

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned or told she’s lying about a headache…it’s impossible to lie about her monthly visitor.

Or is it…?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you…if you do, just make sure it’s not the wiping hand.

Patience is a virtue….not a requirement or obligation.

And…my favorite:

If at first you don’t succeed…lie, lie again.

If at first you don’t succeed…blame someone else.

If at first you don’t succeed…take the credit when someone else does succeed

If at first you don’t succeed…make up your own rules

If at first you don’t succeed…say that everyone else cheated and is conspiring against you in a governmental plot to keep down the white man! (That’s my favorite)