Me Two


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I met my clone this week…

 

Earlier in the week I had noticed that I was getting a friend request on my Facebook page from someone with the moniker “B. Trey Clarke”.

I thought that was kinda weird, because that’s my actual name.

Out of curiosity I hit “accept request” and watched in shock when MY picture popped up!

That was one good looking dude….

“What is this crap?” I muttered out loud.

The page that popped up for this turkey had pictures of me all over it! This turkey even had the same friends, relatives and acquaintances as MY page has, accept for the fact that this turkey had over 1000 friends, whereas I only have like…53!

I spent almost 2 hrs going thru this turkey’s pictures and messages with increasing alarm.

 From what I could tell, my “friends” had no idea they were being duped by this turkey into believing that HE was ME.

I was freaking out and getting pissed.

 I was also getting kinda jealous, because all of my “friends” were getting along great with this other turkey.

 They were talking about things that they never would discuss with me. They were saying things like “Why aren’t you like this all the time?” and “That’s not what you said yesterday” or “Thanks for sending me the money!”

“What Money?” I thought to myself. What are these psycho’s talking about?

I had to find out.

 I typed in a message…”Who is this, why are you using my name?” I punched the “Send Message” button with a forceful thrust so that the turkey on the other end could tell I meant business!

“Who is THIS?” came the reply.

“Trey Clarke” I typed in harder…

“About time you got a hold of me” came the reply

“What are you talking about?” I said, “I’m about 2 seconds from calling the poe-leese!” I typed with an angry finger….angrily.

His reply had an obvious mocking tone…“They’ll just show up at your door”

I looked at the screen with malice…maliciously.

I typed harder so this imposter would not have any problem understanding my meaning…”WHAT…WHY?!”

“Meet me at the truck stop in 15 minutes” came the reply.

“I’m in Dallas” I replied….”I know” he said knowingly.

(30 minutes later…)

I was about to get up and walk out of the truck stop when a guy that looks just like me walks in.

“Handsome devil” I thought.

This other “Trey” looked straight at me.

He didn’t even look around like he was searching for anyone in particular. He walked right thru the door and headed for where I was sitting in the far corner.

He looked just like me…

HELL! He WAS me!

“Good looking summa bitch…” I thought

(After 10 minutes of staring at each other…)

“How’d you know I’d be here, sitting in the back?” I asked “Who are you?” I asked again…askingly.

He just grinned at me. He tossed a couple of papers onto the table.”Read those” he said.

“What are they about?” I asked

He looked at me and said “God, I hope I don’t ask stupid questions like you, just read the damn things.”

He was kinda rude; I fussingly fussed in my head….but good looking though.

The papers had “TOP SECRET” stamped at the top. So, for matters of national security I will tell you, in a nutshell, that this guy was cloned from me in 1991 during my first stint in rehab.

He had ordered some food while I was reading these baffling papers. He ordered a Hamburger steak with sautéed onions with brown gravy and mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy…and a side of steamed broccoli.

That was the way I ordered mine….

I glanced at him whenever I came across a break in the pages, and noticed that he was eating one thing at a time. He ate the steak, spun his dish clock-wise….then ate the taters…spun the dish again…and ate the broccoli.

THEN…he took a drink of tea.

I thought that was kinda weird.

Then…I realized that I eat the same way!

“How …?” I started to ask.

He held a finger to his lips and went “Shhhh, ancient Chinese secret”

That’s my line!

This is how the conversation went:

Me: “Why are you talking to my friends on Facebook?”

Him: “I know them to”

Me: “I can’t believe they can’t tell the difference”

Him: “What’s so different?”

Me: “Well…for one thing, there’s no way you can know all the history that I know about ‘em”

Him: “I have all our memories that were with you first and then built my own from 1991”

Me: “You don’t even look like me” Him at the same time…“You don’t even look like me”

Me: “Quit being so childish” Him at the same time….whiny like…”Quit being so childish”

Me: “Okay…what’s my favorite food?”

Him: “Lobster and beer.” (Check)

Me: “Who’s my favorite actor?”

Him: “Charlton Heston” (check)

I went on asking questions like these and he answered them all correctly correct.

I told him that if he had the same professed abilities as I have then I knew he could have gotten all this information off the internet or by hacking my cell phone.

“Tell me something only I know” I said with a cocky lilt….cockily.

He did.

I blushed…then…I shut up.

There are so many questions I want to ask him…and I’m sure that all my dear followers and readers would like to know more about this wild tale.

But, I just met the guy…so I’m kinda feeling him out right now.

He told me that he’s been following my blog after seeing a post of it on my Facebook page.

He told me my poems are lame.

Then, he got serious.

“There’s something I need to tell you…” he said with hushed gravity….gravitationally.

“What…?” asked I

“If you ever see or hear me refer to my “Evil Twin” on my Facebook, YouTube, Tumblr, Linkd, Wattpad, MySpace, Google+ or anything of that type….don’t take it personally personal”.

“What…?” I hollered “You’re making ME out to be the evil twin!” “I was here first damn it!”

The cocky handsome bastard sat back in his seat and held his hands out, palm up as if waiting for rain and said “And look where that’s got you”

He continued continually….”I am genetically engineered to do the exact opposite of what you do, in any given situation….that’s how I can even things out and clean up your mess”

He continued narcissistically…”That’s why all your family and Friends on Facebook like this side of you better” pumping both thumbs at “his” big sexy man boobs.

I stared at “myself “and didn’t like the asshole I beheld beholdingly.

I didn’t like the way he ate…I didn’t like the way he talked…I didn’t like how cocky and full of shit he was!

He WAS good looking though; I had to give him that…and SO MUCH charisma!

“How can you know to do the exact opposite of what I would do…like when we’re across the country from each other?”

 He shrugged his big handsome manly shoulders and said “I don’t know, it just happens…I guess it’s in my genes to fix your fuck ups”

Cocky bastard, I thought.

“That’s gotta be tough” I said….looking up as a Cop came in thru the door.

The other me looked over his shoulder at the exact same time as I had looked up. Then he turned back around and looked at me from his side of the table.

“Don’t…” he said icily…with ice.

I just stared at him. A battle of wits with myself!

Awesome!

“Don’t…” he said again…this time louder.

I said casually with casualness “There’s no way I’m gonna go up to that cop and slap the shit out of him, and tell him I wanna give him a blow job”

I found something out about “myself” that night.

I love the smell of pepper spray.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

46 thoughts on “Me Two

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      1. I did not. You are just so out there…I would never have thought of this whole conversation. It is really a sign of (hesitating telling you this) great creativity. Now, you head is too big to get out of the cab, right! Seriously, though, you can take what would be a casual ‘what if’ and turn it in to a story.
        You got talent man.
        Peace
        P.S. I never hated anything you have done thus far. Keep trying though, I am sure eventually you will hit that button.

      2. Wait…when did you see my ass? Now I am checking my bathroom and bedroom for hidden cameras, drones outside the window, and just any peeping Tom (Trey). LOL
        Glad I made you happy. Seems like you other self didn’t make you that happy. Bastard!
        Peace

      3. Well, I am sure my clone is one really together, professional, married w/2.5 children, good Christian, and votes all the time. Then the question would beg, who is more messed up, her or me? I am going to be biased and say her. Sounds like a screwed up life to me. Probably why I have never met her, she doesn’t hang with the same peeps as me. She probably doesn’t even like Peeps: has issues eating the ears and heads. LOL
        If I meet that guy, I’ll kick him in the knee caps okay?
        Peace

      4. Oh Damn! I am too old to start over. Fuck it. This is it. She can live on her own, she can even take my social security. I am not doing this all over again. What if she got it wrong, and she needs to start over?

      5. Alright, no reason to hit the keyboard with your anger finger.
        So, if I am ignoring it, then I shouldn’t even discuss it anymore. Done! I can do that. Easy.

      6. I happen to like those lights. They are comforting. Now I guess I will have to cover them up. Thanks for messing that up. You have NO IDEA what you just did to this OCD person. LOL

      7. yeah, well you did type it. So now what are you going to do?
        Hey, nothing new here, I knew I was nuts a long time ago. I frequently talk to the animals and they agree wholeheartedly. So nice to have such a wonderful and agreeable audience.
        I have thicker skin than a casual silly word from you. Ha! I think my skin is akin to alligator or something. Really tough stuff.

      8. When I was a wee lass. I remember it was messy and I got glue in my hair. Was this a question to bring back horrid memories of tangled hair? LOL

      9. Well, that was mean. Big ole’ meanie.

        By the way, I forgot to laugh at the reference of your, or wait your clone’s, man boobs. LOL

        Okay, laughed at it. I am good.

        Really, what did you mention paper mache for?

      10. Oh, thankyousoverymuch! Done did my therapy. Now I just drive others nuts. See when you turn 50 you get a free pass to drive others nuts. Bet you can’t wait till next year now! LOL
        Anyway, talking to ya’all is my therapy. Works for me! No one seems to be complaining.

      11. Well, I’m sure I will. I would love to continue this diatribe, but I have been up since 3 this morning and driven 600 miles.

        It was a beautiful day here in Vidalia,Georgia…home of Sweet Vidalia Onions! Nice and cool…out of the way little town, empty trailer, warm enough to not idle truck…and pillow calling my name.

        But, I know that you have needs, so I wrote a funny story for you so that you could find a reason to wake up tomorrow.

        scottishmomus said hi

      12. Love ya. Get some good sleep. When you wake, grab some of those wonderful onions and drop them on by. Please. I envy where you are right now. Love to see something other than ‘Vegas right now.
        Take it easy. I will check in with our Scottish mum.
        Peace

  1. Well, I’ve just read it aloud to my sixteen year old….in between bouts of snorting and clearing tears from my eyes. It’s even funnier aloud. There you go. Humour that crosses the generations. The two of us were buckled. Really. good stuff. :)x

    1. You make me happy by taking the time to spend a few minutes reading my craziness.

      A truck driver in Georgia(USA) made a teacher in (just north of Glasgow) Scotland laugh.

      It’s awesome!

      1. Craziness unites the world, don’t you know? And it is awesome.
        I had previously shared a number of your ‘crazy’ posts with this same daughter. She thinks you’re hilarious. So, yup, definitely awesome that mother and daughter spent some bonding time guffawing at the American truck driver’s humour.
        Crazy world indeed. Such fun. :)x

    1. Don’t do it because of what I said…wait. Never mind.

      If you decide to look at my Facebook it’s T Hampton Rey. It has nothing to do with posts or blogs. Just me crazy stuff!

      Thank you very much! I will be doing nothing but reading during Thanksgiving and returning the patronages of everyone that has glanced at my stuff. 7 days worth! My ego should be totally shattered after reading stuff from so many more talented and knowledgable writers than myself….Thank god for plagarism!

      1. No, I just forgot. I’m sure my lovely staff mates will enjoy the light relief from weans!

        I go through stages of hardly reading any blogs because I’m writing or working or family or whatever. Then I try and catch up. Which is difficult.

        Don’t slag yourself off about your writing. Everything else…yeah, go for it. 🙂 That’s partly what makes it so funny. Yup, it’s a braggardly self-effacing style that is just so funny and you,. Anyone reading it would get that. A style all your own. And very worth pursuing along with your more sombre pieces.

        I’m heading off to slumberland now. 12.30. Reasonably ‘early’. 😉
        Catch you later. And thanks again for the laugh.
        I’ll get the photos to you once I have them. G’night.x

  2. Haha! This sounds like a wacky version of something Stephen King would come up with! Brilliant!
    I do see something deeper though…and don’t we all have this certain sort of clone within us all? 😉

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