When it rains…it pours
I’d like to talk about Murphy’s Law.
“What can go wrong, WILL go wrong”.
I washed my big truck last night.
I checked the weather forecast and noted that I was currently below most of the storm fronts across the country and my Bertha might get to keep her shine for a bit.
After the wash and shine that cost me $50 (I was wondering why all the washing people were wearing ski masks and holding a gun on me until I paid up)
I parked for the night in a dark corner of the truck stop parking lot.
I was all alone.
I struck camp.
I set my fake owl on the driver’s side mirror to keep birds away. I put out razor wire around my truck to keep pissy truck drivers away, and I rigged claymore mines around the perimeter to keep out the VC….
Wait….I wasn’t in Viet Nam
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my clean truck to keep.”
I woke up to the sound of cow’s mooing.
I was on the farm again.
It was almost time to go gather the eggs, feed the horses, muck out the stables, and churn the butter….
Wait…I grew up on a pig farm….
My nose assured me that I was on a dairy farm or a cattle feed lot.
I got up from the sleeper puzzled….
Then it dawned on me why I thought I had awakened on a dairy farm.
A truck, that was hauling cattle, had parked right next to me in my dark lonely corner.
I wrinkled my nose and settled my half-naked, incredibly well endowed body behind the wheel and prepared to move from that spot because I didn’t want….
“What is that on my windshield?” I muttered in an increasing comprehension of what was on my windshield.
I turned my head to look out of my driver’s side window.
Someone had changed my window for an oilskin of some type.
I stared at the window with my “stare at the cereal box” look. Not quite comprehending what I was looking at.
When I finally accepted the fact that God hates me and is plotting my overthrow from ruling the rest of mankind, I went back into my sleeper and got dressed.
There was quite a bit of bickering amongst my clothes, but when I told them what I was probably going to run into when I went outside, the clamor to grace my heavenly body with their glitz died down…
Fair weather friends and all that…
I started to get out of my truck as the bull wagon started pulling out of his spot. I watched as the trailer slowly rolled by my window…pink, shiny
noses poked out from the holes, soft lowing moos coming from inside the trailer.
I always feel bad when I see cows going to meet their maker. I decided that right then and there that I would become a vegetarian.
But…I really, really like A-1 sauce and it doesn’t taste very good on tofu or vegetables.
I embraced my inner carnivore and stepped from my truck.
There was cow shit everywhere.
I backed away from my truck as if though backing towards a cliff to escape a monster….stepping back with increasing disbelief at what sat before me.
From the front of my truck, all the way down the trailer was covered with cow Ka Ka….
65 feet long! 13’6” high!! A Picasso of poop…
How in the hell did they get that crap so high up?!
I just stood there….
In a puddle of shit that I had not noticed.
Do you remember me telling y’all that I drive in flip flops?
I do not have fond memories of livestock poop.
I am not encompassed nor overcome by feelings of wistful childhood memories from my youth on the farm.
I remember pigs, buckets, corn, pigs…and pig shit.
I slowly stepped from the poop puddle.
My pedicure was now defunct.
I gave them the finger.
They laughed harder.
I pulled out my wallet. I had $60 left.
I could last on $10 for 2 days, I thought.
I pulled the money from my wallet to see if there might be a hidden $20 somewhere.
All of my debit cards and fuel cards fell from the wallet and landed in the poop puddle.
I just stood there.
I was being punished….I knew it.
As the raucous laughter erupted from the assholes in my truck, I shook my fist at heaven.
“You’ll never take me alive!” I screamed.
Then….it started raining.
And….I had evidently locked my keys in the truck….again.
Annnd…my phone was in the truck too…
You know something…?
Imaginary friends ain’t worth a shit when it comes down to it…