One Good Eye

I wonder why God has let me live for so long…

I think he’s a sadist sometimes…

It’s amazing that I have made it to the ripe old age of 49.531 years of age.

I was just sitting here typing my little butt off on a new post for the clamoring fans of my blog.

They are very needy…

Anywho…

I was in a totally different frame of mind when something occurred that changed my subject matter.

I had taken off my reading glasses to do something, and when I put them back on I jammed one of the ear pieces into my left eye.

Remember…Its 330 AM while I am writing this and I have just blinded myself.

Everyone who has ever put on a pair of glasses has done this.

But not this….

The ear piece went all the way thru my eye…thru my brain and out the back of my head.

The feeling of something jobbing you in the eye is in a class of its own.

You’re closing your one good eye and remembering…aren’t you?

Yeah…you’re smelling what I’m selling…

You get that initial ‘POKE!’ then you SNATCH your head back…the pain ‘pops’ in the back of your eye, then makes a couple of pain loops around the inside of your head while banging off the sharp corners of your skull, comes back to said poked eye and THEN you get the flash of white pain that turns into tears which only makes it much, much worse.

And it always makes you want to puke.

If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’.

Okay…so, just as I poked myself in the eye and snatched my head back….

Wait for it….

I banged my head against the driver’s side window, bit my lip and tongue very hard, spilled my coffee in my lap and took the lord’s name in vain….Several times.

You know how when you bite your tongue or cheek your mouth kinda flies open in reflex?

Now picture coffee in that mouth.

Then…picture the brain saying “Oh shit! Don’t spit it on the laptop!!”

My neck answers with the speed of a mongoose on crack by whipping my one eyed head to the right and spraying coffee all over my cell phone, my GPS, my CB, Steve and Bob ( i.e., see post Meet Steve and Bob) and all my paperwork and load bills….and the windshield.

This all happens in a blink of one eye….so to say.

Now…picture me sitting in my truck seat, glasses hanging out of my left eye, an empty mug in my hand, coffee pooled in my lap, the smell of boiling crotch, lump raising on the side of my head like an elephant man, lips quivering from cheek and tongue lacerations and coffee dribbling from my open mouth, not in an O…more like a P…all this as most of my electronic devices flicker and…well, do nothing.

When I remove the ear piece from my eye, I am a little worried that there might be brain matter on them.

But there isn’t.

Then I think…what’s that supposed to mean? No brains…?

Not suitable for Zombie Consumption alas….

That’s a relief…I was actually worried about that.

Anywho…

I found out it is very hard to clean coffee off vinyl….especially with one eye and a mocha latte’ dipped pecker.

Who knew?

I do have baby wipes in my truck however and began to clean myself off.

I hear a truck pull up beside me and honk his horn.

Maybe I should pull my privacy curtain before dropping trow next time. Or at least kill the dome light.

I give the horny trucker a little wave and make myself presentable.

Oh…FYI….Don’t put Visine in your eye after you poke it.

That’s bad….

Thank God it’s Friday…?

Damn….I just noticed I got coffee in my shoe.

But at least I saved the lap top…right!?