Xmas music/muzak is playing everywhere, and I haven’t even had my turkey and giblet gravy yet.
One of the longest and most ominous conspiracies known to man has been initiated and is being implemented throughout Christendom.
All God-fearing, credit card wielding, piggy bank breaking, bad check writing Americans are being seasonally subjugated to a relentless, water-boarding type of mind control that they cannot escape.
I have been suspicious of the Wal-Mart people for some time now. I’ve also been keeping a close eye on Costco and Home Depot as well, the Big 3, waiting for a chance to document an actual, total occurrence of Muzak Inspired Dementia with Schizophrenic tendencies.
I just made that up…but that’s not the point. For use in this analysis, I will heretofore refer to it as M.I.Ds
The first initial symptoms seem to appear upon hearing a Johnny Mathis tune.
“Do you hear what I hear?”
A glaze falls over the eyes of the hapless, clueless consumer.
The genetic trigger that was inserted into our bodies as children under the pretence of “Vaccinations” by doctors who are lifetime Sam’s Club card members become active and begin to corrupt the 5 main senses, also reducing the blood flow and electrical impulses of the pre-fontal cortex, aka the decision making area of the brain, redirecting these crucial components to the hippocampus, insula, and caudate areas of the brain that control cravings.
“Do you hear what I hear?”
A) The affected person heads to the ear wax section of the pharmacy and/ or the electronics department where they stand and stare at the cell phones or headphones.
B) Complete submission is conveyed to the trained observer by an opaque sheen over the eyes, a pale countenance and dribble at the corner of the dry lips.
It’s really sad to see when you know what to look for…
From what I have documented in my case analaseeze it seems that the Johnny Mathis trigger is the initiation catalyst for the whole disgusting thingee.
I know for a fact that the JM music is played every 8 minutes…..
The doors of the before mentioned Big 3 stores are also programmed to scan your DNA, the cards in your wallet and the imbedded coding of your paper money as you pass through them.
As you pass thru the entry door there is a slight rush of air. That is NOT an insect curtain. You have just had a bodily scan that analyzes and records if you are overweight, hungry, have dirty hair or stinky feet, if your underwear have been worn for more than 2 days straight or your nutritional levels are depleted.
This scan also times the speed of your entry thru the doors. If your pace is slow, then you are hit with JM’s “Chestnuts roasting on an open fiiirrreee” which leads you to the grocery or snack sections. If your pace is fast and decisive you are hit with “Sleigh Ride” and you are guided to the toilet paper section and/or plumbing.
Another possibility that I am exploring is that shopping carts are never pushed….They pull YOU.
Haven’t you noticed that the shopping carts with the wobbling wheels are always ignored or abandoned in a low profit aisle until a nice, smooth, quiet cart is located?
And they’re always found in the high margin aisles….Weird.
That’s because the wobbling bitch wheel makes a noise that is on the same decibel and subliminal wave-lengths that the JM trigger is broadcast on.
The JM trigger…can’t…get…thru!
The vibratory sound waves create a type of force field around the hapless shopper it appears.
I can’t prove it yet….because I hate wobbly wheels.
I will however, endeavor to persevere for the good of my fellow man…
Have you ever noticed that during “Black Friday”, the first official shopping day of the Xmas season that people become violent, greedy, scheming and distrustful?
I have a theory….
Turkey leftovers and cranberry sauce are also catalysts.
Yes, I know it sounds far-fetched, but follow me for a second….
I believe THAT is the reason we eat turkey leftovers for the whole week after Thanksgiving.
We throw pizza away every day…salad, chicken wings, meat loaf, etc.
So why do we keep turkey leftovers and stuffing for a week or two?
Think about it….
I believe that cranberries in its gelatinous form, is the base ingredient of all the future catalysts. I call it “Stage 1”.
Consider this…When have you EVER eaten cranberry sauce other than Thanksgiving?
If you say that you have, you are a lying bastard and must be euthanized ASAP for the welfare of humankind.
I’m sorry…that was rude. I just get so emotional about my scientific investigations.
Maybe you should just be put in a nice quiet room of your house and given a helmet and pretty crayons….
Now… Isn’t that better?
Okay, now that all the lying bastards have been found out and exposed, I will continue….
I believe that these 2 before mentioned base catalysts seasonally mutate our molecular structures to better absorb the Muzak catalysts.
Case in point: We eat these leftovers for one week. Every 6 hours until they are all gone.
Just like antibiotics….
Are you smelling what I’m selling now?
[Robot voice] (Move your arms up and down like a robot…works better) I… must…eat… all…the…turkey…so…it’s…not…wasted…
When do we EVER worry about waste any other time of the year!? I mean, SHIT! What in the hell do you think wrapping paper and BOWS are, for hell sakes?!!
We’re freakin’ American’s! We don’t worry about waste and recycling or global warming and all that other crap!
Do you feel my real…?
I thought so….
I will be examining these conspiracies every Saturday all the way up until Xmas before I start to lose my own grasp of reality.
I am quite cognizant now and alert.
I submit this first installment of my findings with a sound mind and sound body and only a few distinguishing marks.
But…the Big 3 probably know that I’m on to them. Hell, they already know….
But I too, must go Xmas shopping and expose myself to the under-lying treacheries of the Big 3.
I am more aware of these dangers than most, so maybe I can control their influences better.
But a scientist must travail these rocky slopes and face these terrors in order to benefit others.
I know it is a selfless act and brave.
I’m just that kind of guy.
I hear “Frosty the Snowman” coming from the truck stop intercom now.
All of a sudden I have to go get some coffee and a donut….
Next Saturdays Hypotheses and Contradictory Analyseeze…
Case: The Influence of Bing Crosby in the Toy Section and it’s affects on Kama Sutra