Resolution

 

 I have completed my 4^th day tobacco free and “vaping” clear.

I have promised myself that the smoking will be at the top of my New Year’s resolution list to terminate and forsake.

I’ve never really been a whole-hearted dyed in the wool smoker.

Most times I smoked are while I was imbibing in alcohol and/or sitting behind the wheel of my truck.

Since I used to be a devout raging alcoholic, I smoked quite a bit.

Since I am a truck driver, I smoke quite a bit.

But when I am not occupied in either pursuit, I never pick them up. I might have one or three during the day, but that is it.

Here recently though…well, let me be honest….the last 19 months I was probably going thru 1.5 to 2 packs a day. And that is WAY too much!

Let me explain my particular situation:

My faith follows what is called “The Word of Wisdom”.

We are directed to abstain from Spirits (alcoholic/intoxicating drinks), tobacco and a few other things that are harmful to people’s health.

That makes it tough for me to be a true hard-line church guy.

No….impossible is more like it

I want to be devout….I want to do better at my chosen religion, but the whole alcoholic /no will power thing throws a wrench in it.

I am trying to take this very seriously.

 I know me very well.    I am a sneaky bastard….

I cannot allow myself to make long term plans or fall into a false sense of accomplishment if each day is counted as a victory.

I must focus on making it hour by hour.

If I don’t…I’ll never make it.

I know me oh so well…

I’m going to get rid of the whole positive reinforcement crap and berate myself constantly for being a weak minded nicotine zombie and curse the day I allowed myself to take the first puff.

I knew better before I ever started smoking, hell….I detested people that smoked. Everyone in my family smoked….I mean EVERYONE!

Everyone they were associated with or knew smoked.

If you didn’t smoke you were looked at with suspicion.

 I hated it.

 Not because of it being bad for you, but because I was forced to wash and clean all the ashtrays…pick up all the freaking butts in and around the yard….and sitting at the dinner table as both parents smoked while all of us kids sat there….trying to eat.

I hated it.

My dad was the kind of guy that sat at the table with a cigarette in his mouth, his belt on the table at his right hand, a cigarette burning in an ash-tray beside his chair in the living room, tapping his ashes on the floor or in an empty tea glass.

I made it all the way until I was 32 years old before I ever touched a cigarette…that way.

That’s about the same time I started drinking really bad come to think of it…

It’s hard to quit when you have a tendency to be dependent on any type of crutch.

I think the reason it is hard for me to quit is because I’m just a restless person.

I don’t really enjoy it.

I don’t enjoy the taste.

 I actually don’t know why I even smoke to tell you the truth.

I think it’s because I just have to have something for my hands to do.

 I can’t do anything else enjoyable or otherwise with my hands. My two best outcomes are to go blind and grow hair in my palms.

So, with 20/something vision and silky smooth hands, I have decided that enough is enough.

I don’t want to smoke/vape anymore.

 I want to go back to being able to bitch about people smelling like cigarette smoke or standing outside in the cold or rain for a smoke break or spending so much money on cigarettes that could be used for more charitable causes.

Such wasteful people….did you know that if you swallow a cigarette butt it’ll stay in your stomach for 7 years?

Wait…..I think that may be bubble gum….

I am starting this resolution a little over a month early because if I tried to start it on the first, as is the usual practice, I don’t think….no, I know that I never would have lasted more than 2 days.

The stress for success would have folded me up like a cheap lawn chair.

This way, I feel I am preparing for real. That I am truly wanting to make this happen.

If I can make it thru the first 24 hours inside my truck, I believe that the following days will be easy.

It’s that first day going back into my truck that scares me and threatens my resolution.

If I can JUST make that first 24 hours smoke/vape free….I’ll make it…..I know it….

Problem is……

It’s the night before Thanksgiving.

There are 8 children between the ages of 4 -10 years of age here at my niece’s house.

There is one girl.

They are running around….screaming…jumping…twirling about in an area roughly the size of two king sized beds put side by side….

I think I may be charged with murder before the end of this post.          No….I’m pretty damn sure of it!

I never listen to any music or distracting media when I write.

But….to preserves the lives of these little bastards I am now listening to Atlanta Rhythm Section…at a very high volume level thru my headphones.

My nerves are at DEFCON 3, I am no longer responsible for my actions!

One of the 7 year olds screams like a girl and another is always crying about one of the others and spends most of his time in self imposed corner confinement.

I feel like I am detached from my body and I TRULY want to hurt somebody. The next kid that runs by me hollering or jumping I swear to fucking god I am going to punch them in their faces and stomp a mud hole in their ass!!!!

This whole 4 days without cigarettes/vaper is a bunch of bullshit!

But…I think I can do it!

😉 Feeling Positive!