Resolution


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 I have completed my 4th day tobacco free and “vaping” clear.

I have promised myself that the smoking will be at the top of my New Year’s resolution list to terminate and forsake.

I’ve never really been a whole-hearted dyed in the wool smoker.

Most times I smoked are while I was imbibing in alcohol and/or sitting behind the wheel of my truck.

Since I used to be a devout raging alcoholic, I smoked quite a bit.

Since I am a truck driver, I smoke quite a bit.

But when I am not occupied in either pursuit, I never pick them up. I might have one or three during the day, but that is it.

Here recently though…well, let me be honest….the last 19 months I was probably going thru 1.5 to 2 packs a day. And that is WAY too much!

Let me explain my particular situation:

My faith follows what is called “The Word of Wisdom”.

We are directed to abstain from Spirits (alcoholic/intoxicating drinks), tobacco and a few other things that are harmful to people’s health.

That makes it tough for me to be a true hard-line church guy.

No….impossible is more like it

I want to be devout….I want to do better at my chosen religion, but the whole alcoholic /no will power thing throws a wrench in it.

I am trying to take this very seriously.

 I know me very well.    I am a sneaky bastard….

I cannot allow myself to make long term plans or fall into a false sense of accomplishment if each day is counted as a victory.

I must focus on making it hour by hour.

If I don’t…I’ll never make it.

I know me oh so well…

I’m going to get rid of the whole positive reinforcement crap and berate myself constantly for being a weak minded nicotine zombie and curse the day I allowed myself to take the first puff.

I knew better before I ever started smoking, hell….I detested people that smoked. Everyone in my family smoked….I mean EVERYONE!

Everyone they were associated with or knew smoked.

If you didn’t smoke you were looked at with suspicion.

 I hated it.

 Not because of it being bad for you, but because I was forced to wash and clean all the ashtrays…pick up all the freaking butts in and around the yard….and sitting at the dinner table as both parents smoked while all of us kids sat there….trying to eat.

I hated it.

My dad was the kind of guy that sat at the table with a cigarette in his mouth, his belt on the table at his right hand, a cigarette burning in an ash-tray beside his chair in the living room, tapping his ashes on the floor or in an empty tea glass.

I made it all the way until I was 32 years old before I ever touched a cigarette…that way.

That’s about the same time I started drinking really bad come to think of it…

It’s hard to quit when you have a tendency to be dependent on any type of crutch.

I think the reason it is hard for me to quit is because I’m just a restless person.

I don’t really enjoy it.

I don’t enjoy the taste.

 I actually don’t know why I even smoke to tell you the truth.

I think it’s because I just have to have something for my hands to do.

 I can’t do anything else enjoyable or otherwise with my hands. My two best outcomes are to go blind and grow hair in my palms.

So, with 20/something vision and silky smooth hands, I have decided that enough is enough.

I don’t want to smoke/vape anymore.

 I want to go back to being able to bitch about people smelling like cigarette smoke or standing outside in the cold or rain for a smoke break or spending so much money on cigarettes that could be used for more charitable causes.

Such wasteful people….did you know that if you swallow a cigarette butt it’ll stay in your stomach for 7 years?

Wait…..I think that may be bubble gum….

I am starting this resolution a little over a month early because if I tried to start it on the first, as is the usual practice, I don’t think….no, I know that I never would have lasted more than 2 days.

The stress for success would have folded me up like a cheap lawn chair.

This way, I feel I am preparing for real. That I am truly wanting to make this happen.

If I can make it thru the first 24 hours inside my truck, I believe that the following days will be easy.

It’s that first day going back into my truck that scares me and threatens my resolution.

If I can JUST make that first 24 hours smoke/vape free….I’ll make it…..I know it….

Problem is……

It’s the night before Thanksgiving.

There are 8 children between the ages of 4 -10 years of age here at my niece’s house.

There is one girl.

They are running around….screaming…jumping…twirling about in an area roughly the size of two king sized beds put side by side….

I think I may be charged with murder before the end of this post.          No….I’m pretty damn sure of it!

I never listen to any music or distracting media when I write.

But….to preserves the lives of these little bastards I am now listening to Atlanta Rhythm Section…at a very high volume level thru my headphones.

My nerves are at DEFCON 3, I am no longer responsible for my actions!

One of the 7 year olds screams like a girl and another is always crying about one of the others and spends most of his time in self imposed corner confinement.

I feel like I am detached from my body and I TRULY want to hurt somebody. The next kid that runs by me hollering or jumping I swear to fucking god I am going to punch them in their faces and stomp a mud hole in their ass!!!!

This whole 4 days without cigarettes/vaper is a bunch of bullshit!

But…I think I can do it!

😉 Feeling Positive!

7 thoughts on “Resolution

Add yours

  1. I’d have given in by now. 😉 I do wish I’d never started. But they’re kinda like my friends, by my side at all times. Lighting up as I type. I do hope you manage. It would be quite an accomplishment. If you’ve been dry for so many years I’m thinking you can do this. Or does that seem more difficult? A bugger of a thing to have ever begun. Good luck with it.x

  2. It will make 6 or 7 years this Fathers Day that I smoked my last. I had been using Chantix prior to that Sunday, which helped me cut way back. However, on that Sunday, even though I cannot tell you what the sermon was about, I just had an understanding that my smoking was getting in the way of my relationship with God. I understood that I desired cigarettes more than I desired God. That is when I knew I was laying them down for good. It took me a good three weeks of being a bear before the habit was broken. The withdrawals lasted for a few months, and a feeling of losing my best friend for several more months. But, no longer do I crave one… now, I just need to lose weight again! LOL

    Quitting smoking may make you a devout religious person, but God cares more about the condition of your soul and a close relationship rather than following rules and regulations religiously IMHO. Sure, smoking isn’t great for your body and you’ll probably live longer if you give them up, but salvation is not dependent upon your ability or inability to give them up. Following a prescribed set of religious rules never really set well with Jesus… he kind of upended the whole religious thing when he came to earth.

    I commend you for tackling this. It is SO HARD to do! I’ll say a prayer or two for you to be delivered from it! 🙂

  3. Hey bud, sounds like you at least had a great T-day, or at least before the monsters were released from the gates.
    Since we all know you and I speak of the same religion, I think there is something in there about swearing, and the murder of small innocent. I think we are good on the murder thing, since it sounds as if all the midgets are spawns from hell. The smoking thing seems way easier than the swearing thing though; this coming from a non-smoker, constant swearer. LOL
    You don’t know you very well, and I haven’t known you all that long, but I do know you are way stronger than you know. Got it!☺ Now if we ever need to get me swear off swearing (love the play on words there), I don’t think there is a rehab or detox or patches that could cure me. I will just have to have my head cut off and buried miles away from my body. Yeah, way too many vampire movies. I do think it is pretty cool that you didn’t start either alcohol or cigs until you were 32. The household you were raised in seems so chemically toxic. I think there has been some small revelations on other parts of your youth that sucked.
    All said, you are a strong guy, and while none of us will be physically there to smack your hand when you reach for a cig, or to hand you gum (or pumpkin, or some other, seed) when you feel a need for something in your hand (DO NOT GO THERE!), we will all be your cheering section. We also won’t know each time you may flounder, if you tell us you are doing good, then we will believe you. But since we know you are a self professed lying bastard, we probably won’t believe you are being good even when you swear you are. (See why I can’t get rid of the swearing thing, it is just way too important!)

    Drive Safe, do not kill or abduct small humans, and take extra food on the truck with you.

    Peace & Love

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