Expired


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I’m feeling a little bit silly this morning, so bear with me.

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner….you know why?

Because everyone would be in love with meEEee!

Okay, now that THAT is out of the way (I couldn’t get it out of my head so I put it here before I lost my mind)

You know what the beauty part about being narcissistic is?

Any criticism….any insult…any well intentioned, but unwarranted advice….anything…!

 Can be turned to the positive in my own mind.

Well, maybe not the positive, just reassuring myself that some people can’t see the beauty in me that I do and misinterpret it as a fault.

They just don’t know….and I can’t fault them for that.

They don’t exist on the same conscious level that I do, nor appreciate the burden, nay the right I have to lord it over them to my own advantage.

You may say that I am full of crap. I beg to differ.

You show me ONE time that I did not fail to succeed in convincing myself that I am a gift from God and here for a reason.

The reason you ask?

Okay…just this one time.

I won’t tell you again because this moment….this very moment…should be engraved across your heart and branded to your soul.

A once in a lifetime event…

Pay attention because I have so little time for peasants these days….

The reason is…

I am insane.

Yes, I know….insane tends to have a negative connotation associated with it, but that’s only the people whom have no concept of what it entails in its full spectrums.

First….who says insanity is a bad thing?

Second….who defined normal?   What IS normal?  

Third…who decided what handsome is…what sexy is…what gifted is…what life SHOULD be?

You know who decided all this?

Whitey…that’s right….honkies….crackers….

I know…you say I am a white man myself. I beg to differ.

I am more like…egg shell white

Even though I was born a poor black child with an Asian mother and an Eskimo father in the bayous of Mississippi I knew that I was special and that I had to be wary of Whitey.

As I grew older and came to grips with the fact that Whitey was trying to keep me down, I began to rebel and cast off the chains that the honky man was trying to burden me with.

Then, when God came down and told me I was awesome, I not only realized that I was being discriminated against by Whitey, but by Darkies…Chinesezs…Canadiansez…Seventh Day Adventistsez and so on.

God told me that people would not understand me. He told me that I must remain aloof of the peasantry and try to be patient with them due to the fact that NOTHING like me had ever came along  before….except Jesus….He’s a whole ‘nether ball of wax.

It was a cross that I must bear [Note: Send royalty check to Jesus]

Everything went great as I continued to grow older. I was handsome, smart, witty, humble, handsome and smart.

Everything that a young narcissists would want to be…

Until this morning….

I couldn’t find my phone again.

I know I just had it.

For hell sakes, I’m in a semi-truck that has about 10 square feet in the living part (meaning where I can put my shoes on) and I’ve lost my phone.

I went thru the same rituals that I have several times. I tore apart the inside of my truck, I overturned my mattress, I even looked in my pants pockets because I know some of you regular readers of my posts are thinking that right now….it’s in his pocket!

Noo (smart asses) it was not in my pockets.

It was inside my refrigerator.

I don’t know how it got there because I don’t remember going into the fridge.

I have a fridge?

That’s when I started to question God and his statements to me from soo long ago.

I asked “God…why doth thou tormenteth me soeth?”

No answer….

I asked “God…whometh betrayeth meeth by hidingeth my phoneth?”

No answer….

I asked “Godeth….where for art thou in yonder holler?”

Romeo says “Here I is!” then….

“I’m busy right now” God said

“Too busy for me…?” I replied “WTF!?”

“I have no time for a unit out of warranty” God said…then I heard a click….some elevator music…then I was redirected to a voicemail prompt.

I hung up the God phone in my head.

At least I know where that one is….

“Out of warranty…?” I thought to myself. Then, I remembered!

I jerked the tag outta my butt and read this:

30 year warranty, with NORMAL usage! Oh shit!

I’ve been out of warranty for 19 freaking years!?

Are you telling me…that I could have turned in all this sagging, broken ass shit 19 years ago, and got a whole new thingee!?

I was beside myself….so I turned and beat the shit out of him.

I was so mad this morning about this heavenly snub that I almost decided to join the other team.

I called Satan…

[Funky Town music] click…”Jase?” (Accent…groovy)

“Yes, I’d like to speak to Satan please”

“In reference to what?” said the Minion

“I’m mad at God for not fulfilling his end of the bargain and forgetting to inform me that I was no longer under warranty, I wanna tour your facilities and speak with someone about joining your team”

“I’m sorry sir, but we no longer accept anything made before 1972, please wait for transfer”

“Wait!”  Click…click… [Funky Cold Medina music] …click

“Sunnyside Nursing Home” said a nice voice.

I hung up my Satan phone.

Cast out!        Shunned!         Forsaken!

That’s it! I no longer recognize the aforementioned deities!

I will enwrap myself in my narcissistic wonderland and never come out…!

Except to pee….

And blog……

I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13 thoughts on “Expired

Add yours

  1. Yes, it’s official. You are insane. Otherwise you’d know that anyone made circa 1960 doesn’t have a warranty. They never go out of date. Pickled, sure, but never out of date. :)x

  2. I am so with Scottishmomus! You are insane! Now go out and enjoy yourself.
    I knew I was out of warranty a long time ago, hence the sitting here needing all this medical care on a broken unit. What is funny for me, is I didn’t even do that much to get this one all messed up. All I can figure is that I was like fine china when I started and any little thing left it’s mark. So much for being G.I. Jane.
    Well, now you are out of options. You kept threatening to go to the other side, and THEY DON’T WANT YOU! Hahahaha! There, had to get that out of my head. So for the rest of the day you can hear my words in your head, and you have left me with the friggin’ Oscar Mayer song (which I just had to sing in my head to make sure I spelled it right).

    Peace & Love

  3. You make narcism actually sound very spiritually sound.
    And to think both God and Satan lost out on such an awesome soul…just because of a lost phone…that is what is wrong with the world today! But what’s their loss is our gain..eh?

    No idea who Oscar Meyer is…will Google him up soon.

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