This has got to be nipped in the bud!
I couldn’t find my damn phone again.
I must have fell asleep with it on my chest last night and it rolled off during a hot sex dream (I wasn’t involved unfortunately) and it ended up somewhere that is impossible to find in an awakened state.
I have finally come to the conclusion that I know who is behind this….
And I know where he lives….
So I closed my peepers and entered into the Zen village that lies right behind my left eye. Yep, the same eye where my headaches live.
In my mind space….
It’s kinda dark in here. There is light coming into my mind from 2 windows opposite from one another. The light seemingly dimmed by something….yellow.
I walked over to the right side window and saw that it was covered in wax. I frowned.
Nasty, I thought. I reached up and dug the wax out of the window, and then the other.
[Note] Buy Q-tips for the nasty bastard.
I looked around the inside of my mind. It was a little creepy in here. But now, with better light, I could see there were a few cobwebs here and there toward the back of my mind.
I brushed them away as bet I could, but when I noticed that the bats had returned to my belfry, I didn’t want to disturb them.
When they get riled these bats do what bats do, swarm around and fly into each other making a hell of a racket, kicking up dust and cobwebs.
No wonder I can’t remember shit.
For example: In one corner of my mind I found walls….stacks!, full of nothing but dirty books.
I tried to look thru a few, but they were all stuck together….
I saw a dim, sputtering, flashing neon light against one far wall of my mind that seemed to be located just behind the speech area.
I drug a sleeve up over my hand and proceeded to wipe the blue and black grime off of the sign. There was a foul odor to it and I had to hold my other sleeve over my nose to keep from retching.
[Note] Potty mouth…quit cussing so much.
The sign read: “In case of emergency, dump barrel”
My eyes followed the neon arrow and saw the old barrel below it, resting against the wall of my mind teetering on the edge of a drain in the floor marked “To Mouth”.
The barrel read: “Bullshit”
“What are you doing in here?” asked my Evil Twin Tray.
I hadn’t even heard him as he had approached me from behind. I started to turn around…”Don’t move” Tray said in a harsh voice.
I could feel the barrel of a gun in my lower back. “Raise your arms”….I did so.
I could feel his hands frisking me. They went over my body with professional skill.
His hand came to rest between my legs and he gripped my hoo ha’s kinda hard. I winced.
“Nice Package” he said in a husky voice.
I turned with the speed of Luke Skywalker, ripping my light saber from my butt, slashing at him with a death dealing arc. He jumped back with a nimbleness unknown to physics or Jack B. Nimble, rolling backwards at the same time, squeezing off a couple of blasts from what looked like a Star Trek phaser. The bursts from the phaser were red. Set for “Kill”.
I ran a couple of steps toward him as he was going for a stack of dirty movies, I flipped over him in a spiraling somersault, ripping a back handed judo saber chop at his Duck Dynasty ball cap covered melon.
But he was too fast and handsome for mere mortals….
He popped off another burst as I spun thru the air….. I felt the shot crease my forehead. There was a fierce cutting pain across my brow as I crashed against the wall behind him, knocking over a stack of more dirty books.
Where did all this shit come from?!
I rolled behind a stack of old Penthouse magazines, I could hear him moving to the other side of my mind.
It grew silent for a few tense moments. I could hear both our breaths coming out in rasping sounds.
[Note] Quitting smoking sux
“What the hell are you doing in here Trey?!” he shouted at me.
I sneaked a quick gaze over the dirty books (They stink too) I tried to gauge where he was from the sound of his voice, but couldn’t get a lock on him.
It sounded like he was behind a stack of Hustler magazines….
I answered “Just tell me where you put the phone and I’ll go!”
I heard him laugh…this pissed me off.
“I don’t know where the fucking phone is you dumbass!” “I can’t believe this shit!” he continued.
“Why do you always have to come in he…?”
I whipped out my photon death ray and shot in his general direction. He responded with another shot of his own, moving to a new spot as he did so…keeping low.
More silence….except…I could hear the faint melody of “I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner” coming from somewhere….
“I’m not leaving until you tell me, I know you’re the only one in hear banging around…moving shit from one spot to another, I can’t remember anything with you up here hiding stuff!”
Then…he said….”Oh my God…”
“Oh my God what?” I shouted over the stack of porn.
“Look what I found.” His voice was close!
He was standing right behind me! What the…?
I turned and whipped the gun up, aiming at his family jewels….!
He was flipping thru a magazine!
He had his phaser tucked into his belt and wasn’t showing any interest in our little disagreement or that he had shot me in the face!
“What? “ I asked again, the photon death ray, rock steady in my big handsome fist.
My Evil Twin Tray flipped thru a couple of more pages, and then flipped it over towards me…spilling out a centerfold spread.
I laid my photon death ray on the floor beside me and took the magazine from him.
Tray sat down beside me. He took off a shoe and dug inside it…pulling out my phone.
I didn’t say a damn thing.
I turned my head and looked at him, confused by the tenderness in his voice.
I punched him in the face and said…