I have been to many states over my career as a Long Haul Trucker.
Lots of sites, lots of history, lots of beauty.
But the one state I never want to go back too…?
The Alcoholic State…
Let me expound:
1) Buying a 12 pack of regular and alcohol-free beer each, pour out the near beer and fill the empty bottles/cans with the good stuff!
Then tell your spouse that near beer tastes and smells just like the real thing!
Guess what genius?
When you fall down and slur your words….it loses its validity.
Then they get mad because they were stupid enough to believe you.
Maybe a good misdirection for 1-2 times….max!
2) Buy beer at a convenience store, realize you have to pee while standing in the check-out line, then take the case of beer into the bathroom with you.
Totally missing the sign that says “No Merchandise in the bathroom”
When the cop asks you later why you ignored the sign, you say “I couldn’t see it I had the beer on my shoulder!”
3) Standing at the urinal and going pee pee when you realize that you have one hand against the wall above said urinal to steady yourself and the other hand on the flush handle to keep the urinal from moving, one leg braced against the side of the urinal for gravitational pull equilibrium, and find out that you forgot to unzip your fly…until after you’re done peeing…..
What’s even better?
When you bend over and try to look really close at the electric eye sensor of the urinal, when the grooves in the tiled floor trip you and then fall headlong into the swirling water with both hands….and end up getting 7 stitches after cutting your eyebrow on the edge of the toilet that someone else was using right next to you!
4) Going to sit on the potty and take care of business, but your natural butt aim is off and you slide off the seat into the bath-tub and stay there until morning….with your pants around your ankles, toilet paper in one hand, and the shower curtain pulled over you like a blankey and wearing your wife’s fuzzy house slippers.
5) Slamming your fingers in the car door and stand there until someone show’s up to open the door….because it locked…..and its 2 a.m. And everyone is gone….
6) Waking up in the bottom of a water-filled ditch, ants in places they shouldn’t be, your payroll check all gone to the dancers and new friends and your pants are on backwards. And you have no idea…..
7) Your car keeps getting arrested….
8) Digging thru Pizza Hut and Taco Bell dumpsters for food after you’ve lost your paycheck.
10) Getting a 2nd DUI the day after you get out of court ordered Rehab…28 days later.
11) Get caught peeing in your cousins closet.
12) Get caught by your cousin peeing on the motel TV and a pile of your dirty clothes….
13) Get caught the same night…by the same cousin…peeing on my laptop! It worked after it dried out….but always made my eyes water whenever the fan came on….
These are just a few examples of the wonderful State of Bliss that alcoholism reveals to you.
They are funny yes…..but it’s a miracle I survived.
But it wasn’t funny then, not in real life….not anymore.
You see….this all happened to me more times than I can remember…
Remember…? Huh! That’s funny…I don’t remember shit those years.
I could have killed someone…
Thank God….Thank God