Pull A Trey

Sometimes I can’t help myself.
Sometimes people will do what they do
And say what they say… Their own little trademark phrases.
Here’s a few of mine that work on most occassions:
Q) “How are you?”
A1) “Rude and obnoxious”
A2) “Fat and ugly, but I’m dealing with it”
A3)”Too early to tell I just escaped”

These replies always get a laugh or titter.

But sometimes I say something that is completely baffling, inappropriate, embarrassing  and solid proof that I shouldn’t be around cognizant beings.

I walked up to the fuel desk at a Flying J in Arizona.
I place my nightly bottle of milk on the counter and reach for my wallet.
The nice matronly assistant manager lady asks me “Is there anything else you need?”

Wait for it…

I look at her… Grin…

You can almost hear the “dumbass” tumbling around in my head like broken cogs can’t you?

I say “You can slap me around a little if that’s your thing”

She never bats an eye!
She reaches over the counter and smacks me on my cheek,  then orders me to the rear of the line.

I bow my worthless head… And retreat.

An old trucker at the back of the line says “You’re a bad boy”

I looked at him and breathe out in a husky submissive tone…

“Yes…. I am”

This actually happened about 2 hours ago.

She finally let me have my milk.

Why do I do these things?

During Thanksgiving I was in a Walmart with Wendy Sue (my niece).
Remember now, that I’m a trucker out on the road for weeks at a time and my interactions with crowds are next to never.

Any who… I’m standing there in this large store, waiting to choose the longest, slowest line…a little overwhelmed by all the people.

Wait for it…

I say loud enough to drown out all other conversation or hit the inevitable lull in chat which always happens at just the wrong/right moment…

“Where’d all these white people come from?”

Everyone looks at me.

Wendy Sue is pushing her cart to another line… Shaking her head.

Later…

A lady dropped a bag of chips in front of me…bends over to retrieve them, blocking my cart for a second.

“I’m sorry” she says, picking up the chips.

Wait for it…

I say “That’s okay, I have that effect on most women”

Wendy Sue is pushing her cart to another aisle… Shaking her head again.

Later she tells me that I have to be quiet when we’re around other people or I have to sit in the car.

I’m grown Dammit!

At least she let’s me listen to the radio and cracks the windows for me.