I have to take a mandatory 30 minute break after 8 hours of driving. I am a little goofy after driving thru snow and ice and decided to report on a surgery that I witnessed.
Meanwhile…back at the ranch
[SCENE] Operating room: Treys truck cab.
Dr. Trey S. Brain: Chief Surgeon
Dr. Rite Hand: Surgeon of Record
Dr. Left Hand: Useless Bystander
Anesthesia: Remaining ice from Pepsi Mug
Patient: Right Lower Thigh of patient: For the surgical record (Patient OW)
Surgical Plan: To remove foreign body from patient OW.
Surgical Instruments of record: Leatherman pliers, toothpick, tweezers and napkin to cry in if needed.
Local Anesthetic to be localized around surgical site.
Exploratory probing to determine position of foreign body/bodies.
Position and actual presence of foreign body/bodies dubious. Locale of said foreign matter cannot be verified by X-ray which cannot be found inside truck cab.
[Surgeons note] Radiation contamination and/or possible sterilization of OW is of no concern. OW is old and his pecker doesn’t work anyway….
Analysis and pre-surgical interview:
Patient OW has had a small bump on his right lower thigh, on the anterior side, that he has had since high school. The patient has alerted this staff to the fact that he is a sufferer of Hypochondriatic Paranoia and that every time he looks at the bump, he thinks he can see something crawling around just beneath the upper epidermal layer….and it starts to itch.
He thinks it is a twin that was absorbed into his body during his womb days.
[Note] Psychological Summation by Dr. Freud (“Crazy as hell”)
Topical and local anesthesia was applied by Dr. R. Hand for approximately 30 seconds.
Patient OW demanded removal and discontinuation of anesthesia due to the fact that “It was cold as shit!”
[Note] Psychological Summation by Dr. Jung (“Cry baby”)
Dr. T.S Brain attempted to make the incision and begin exploratory excavations.
Process was discontinued when Patient OW fainted from the sight of blood that was not present or visible to the other attending figments.
[Note] Psychological Summation by Dr. Freud (“You’re shitting me!?”)
Leatherman pliers were applied with a pinching pressure to bump on thigh and began to squeeze it in hopes that it would pop like a zit.
Procedure was discontinued once again due to the fact that Patient OW has no tolerance for pain and began to cry.
[Note] Psychological Summation by Dr. Hanks (“There’s no crying in baseball!”)
Dr. Left Hand did nothing of record. (However, he did scratch the patient’s nose)
Surgery has been postponed to a later date due to the fact that the patient does not want to take the chance of killing the twin that lives in his bump.
[Note] Psychological Summation by all doctor’s (“Y’all actually read this shit?!”)