Bored Story #3: Missing


“Houston….We have a problem”

Well, not Houston actually.

Franklin, Ohio.

The orange sun has dropped beneath the scratchy trees on a slight rise across a field of harvested corn.

It’s not dark just yet, the sky is a light cobalt blue of 3 differing hues.

I can see Mars shining brightly right above the McDonalds sign….

To the southwest, there is a brush of pinkish orange sky, a few wisps of grey clouds stuck in place, like the shadow brush of the artists’  as he tried to create the perfect sunset.

The problem is that it is freaking cold as….HELL!! (Only the oxymoron works here)

Somewhere between my truck and the store, approximately 50 yards, my pecker fell off.

My pecker fell off….right there, somewhere on the ground.

I guess it just froze…then fell off.

I didn’t feel it when it fell off. I didn’t hear it when it tumbled to the ground, nor did I see it shatter into a million pieces when it fell off.

It’s just gone.

When I had walked into the mens room earlier after racing across an icy parking lot, the way only a 6’ 245 lb extremely handsome trucker can, I prepared to take care of business.

I approached the potty and….

My pecker was gone.

I looked around on the floor. I checked my pockets. I looked in my shoes.


I just had it…..son of a bitch!

 I checked my back pocket. No….my phone was there…Thank God for that.

I pulled my knit cap down over my red ears, wiped the snot from my nose, rubbed my arms to stimulate some heat and feeling, and went back outside to retrace my steps.

When I went outside into the frigid air, I noticed that a semi-truck had turned over and was laying on its side….It’s wheels spinning in the cold air.

The driver, I guess he was the driver, was sitting on the curb next to the store, rubbing his head. I also saw that a few other drivers and a policeman were standing in a loose circle about 20’ away…looking at something on the ground.

I walked up and heard the policeman say “It’s somebodys pecker”

I started to back away, but I had to know if it was mine. I kinda still needed it.

I looked over one drivers shoulder and was relieved that it wasn’t my pecker that had caused the accident.

It was much too small for it to have been mine.

Well, I’ve not been able to find it yet.

It’s gotten dark and colder.

To add to my dismay, when I got into the truck and started it to get the heater going, my ninnies popped off too.

Must have been the sudden temperature change.

I’m starting to think that someone must have found my frozen pecker and took it with them.

I’m going to go out and look some more in the morning when the sun comes up, maybe I’ll get lucky.

I just hope I find it before somebody trips over it and gets hurt.

6 thoughts on “Bored Story #3: Missing”

  1. I could go all sorts of bad places with this. But, this is a family station.
    By the way, you do know there is a Hell, Alaska. It is north of Anchorage, so I am sure it is really frickin’ cold in Hell.
    You do have problems. I feel for you, or rather I feel sorry for you.

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