Okay….that does it!
I’m tired of writing depressing stuff.
I kinda scared myself yesterday when I was writing “As My Pen Gently Weeps”.
I don’t know if you noticed, but as I was starting to describe the cravings I get sometimes for a beer or 20, my mouth started to water and my body started to get all funny feeling….
It scared me.
Even after all this time on the ‘wagon’ my mind and body wanted to drink, right then….right there.
What kind of a fucked up deal is that when you can’t even trust yourself?
I’m usually afraid of fear, but was glad it showed up just then, because I know my common sense and rectal fortitude has abandoned me in the past.
Many, many times…..
I am a happy person at heart. I like being a happy person.
I like being the loudest, most obnoxious person in the room…..In a good way.
I like being honest about my feelings….to be open and self deprecating and glad that I can spell ‘deprecating’ without spell check.
I love making people laugh.
I love to write.
I love sharing my thoughts and Hypochondriatic Paranoia with you dear readers.
That’s why I’m gonna win….
I’m gonna beat my weakness with my one true strength….
I’m full of shit….and I know it!
I will not lie, because there is no reason to anymore.
I don’t have to try to impress people with fantasy.
Unless you’re a chick….
I’m happy in my own skin, even though it’s not as tight as it used to be.
I guess that’s the trade-off…..
“With advanced age, comes wisdom”
More like, as your body is falling apart you have more time to sit, think, reflect., Because you can’t run around like you’re 25, you might pop a blood clot….
Save the blood for the brain…not the varicose veins….
I like writing my “Lame Poems”. They make me laugh at how stupid I can be…In a good way.
You know something else?
This morning I was struck by the fact that I have just realized I am truly getting older.
As I was walking, or skating as the case is, I was thinking “Be careful Trey, you big hunk of man meat, you might slip and break a hip.” Instead of the more youthful thought “Dude, it’d be funny as hell if you busted your ass right now in front of God and man!”
See what I mean…?
I am addicted to bee pollen and Chia seeds now.
I start out my day with these natural ingredients, hoping to keep my edge.
But, I don’t have edges anymore. More like….rolling hills.
I will continue to write about my dormant alcoholism and my past however because I can tell that it does help me.
I fought off the craving yesterday, and I am proud of myself.
But not proud enough to think I got it beat.
I know me….And I don’t trust him.
I don’t like remembering the bad times…the hard times, but I must.
I cannot repeat history, or else I will BE history.
I shudder to think how terrible it would be if I relapsed.
Soul crushing defeat…..
I don’t think I could make it this time. I don’t think I could take the failure.
I’m tired of “When the horse bucks you off, get right back in the saddle”
My horse drags me and stomps me….There’s only so many times a man can get back in the saddle after that.
A broken man can’t ride high in the saddle.
But….I is full of shit, and that will set me free….In a good way.
I have to watch my diet and not succumb to my Faustian ways.
I say….”Piss on that dude”
Doctor’s suck! (except for ShreeJacob) ; )
I’m thinking about crossing this frozen tundra of a truck stop parking lot and getting me some breakfast.
It will be a grueling 50 yard trek across an icy expanse, dodging Mack trucks and Peterbilts.
It will be a perilous journey of man against nature, and tennis shoes.
But the mental image that just popped into my bean shows me laid out across the ice like a turtle on his back….kicking his little legs around trying to flip back over.
I kill me sometimes….
In a good way.