I didn’t win the lottery….
I was aghast at not winning.
I had bought 3 tickets in Massachusetts, 3 tickets in Tennessee and 3 in Ohio.
I thought I had the demographical areas covered because everyone knows that only Yankee’s, shunned Amish and Hillbillies win the lottery.
I felt a little bad about buying the tickets since becoming friends with Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon, a great crusading blogger and recovering gambling addict.
It’s $636 million bucks Cat! And I was SURE I WAS GONNA WIN!
Maybe that’s how it starts….Great, just what I need…..another habit.
I don’t think I will succumb to the wiles of gambling though. I am the type of person who will struggle to buy a $3 lottery ticket but spend $400 on an Xbox.
I have a better chance of winning on the Xbox…..I have cheat codes.
I was gonna do a lot of good with my share of the money.
I was gonna build the best chain of homeless shelters in the country.
You could buy your very own AUTHENTIC homeless person for your town.
Not only would the poor wretch add a little color to the community, but would give the police department something to do on the weekends.
It would have been a fiscally advantageous investment as well.
The presence of the hobo would have dropped property values causing cheaper housing cost thus creating an opportunity to drive the upper class from the area and for middle to low income families to own their own home.
Next….I was gonna bribe local leaders in some of my favorite towns and influence them to create zoning laws forbidding Starbucks® to build within the town limits.
Starbucks® is a branch of the Treasury Department and a shadowy division controlled by the IRS.
I have documents proving this….
So what if I wrote them, it doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Next….I was gonna buy out the residents of the entire NYC metropolis, move them to North Dakota under the pretense of becoming their very own country, then build a big wall around the entire state, slam the gates behind them, swallow the only key then laugh my ass off and throw rocks at them from the top of the wall…..
Next….I was gonna buy me a Slinky® and waste all the time I wanted watching it go down the stairs of my quaint little mansion.
Everyone loves a Slinky®
Next….I was gonna buy out Wal-Mart and change their hiring standards.
All employees must have a PHD for their area of the store and a family tree that actually has branches in it.
Next….I was gonna buy me some socks….I need some bad.
I had a whole list of things I wanted to do with that money and I told God about it.
He was all for it but said he couldn’t influence the outcome of the results. He said he had no idea of how it worked.
The last time he had anything to do with a lottery he said, was in a place called Sodom. I told him that I remembered stories of Sodom and what had happened there and he said that “Yes” that he had lost his temper when one of his numbers didn’t match.
“Cheating bastards” I said. God agreed.
I’m going to sit here and mope about my close call with the lottery winnings.
I only missed my ship coming in by 5 numbers and a Megaplier.