You’ve worked all year and put money aside
For this special day
To help Santa deliver gifts, and cut the mileage for his sleigh
To see the smiles and hear the squeals of your kids, as they tumble down the stairs
Pushing each other and fighting, pulling each other’s hair
As they behold the Christmas tree
Surrounded by presents and joy
They begin to itemize each item as if though it were still Black Friday
You watch with some wonder as the paper and bows fly
“No, that’s mine!”
“I asked Santa for a bb gun!”
“I didn’t get my Kim Kardashian doll!”
As you choke all the little ungrateful bastards in your unworthy parents mind
You try to remember that they are just kids and mean no harm….
But still remembering a good burial spot behind the old red barn.
You shake off your feelings of infanticide with a disgusted air
You smile at your wife, with her pillow coifed hair
“Sexy woman” you think….your parent in crime.
The only other person who knows the secret of Santa’s night ride
You can both blame Kris Kringle for the missing toys
Tell the ungrateful little bastards that they are not the only girls and boys
Santa is a busy man, going all throughout the world
Bringing lots of stuff for the other kids is an awesome task you say.
What with all the terrorist watch-list and he flying reindeer and sleigh.
He could have got shot down by a drone, or anti-aircraft fire
Crashing into the earth trailing venison and melting plastic pyre.
You smile in your mind, your wife’s eye glisten too, get your shots in early….collect your due.
As the ungrateful bastards stare in horror at the gifts at their feet
They are overcome with the magnitude of Saint Nick’s daring feat.
“Be a little more grateful” you tell your youngest child, tussling her hair….then ripping her head off and feeding it to the cat…
You blink your eyes and push the thoughts from your mind….They’re just kids after-all and warrant no blame.
You scold yourself while your wife hangs her head in shame.
Later that Xmas day as you both watch your kids play
You reconsider the option of murder, and the chance to get away.
The new radio controlled helicopters have been shot down from the air with last year’s BB gun.
The new Barbi has gotten a haircut to make her look like Miley Cyrus, or that’s what the headless toddler says
The GI Joe has a new tattoo drawn from permanent marker and a pecker added too.
The new plastic bat is beating a tree….and his sibling crew.
The new Tonka trucks are buried in sand, missing a tire or two
You look at your wife, with wondering eyes, no longer filled with glee
She knows your thoughts and says….
“You’re appointment for the vasectomy is this Tuesday at three.”
You grab your lover up and spin her through the air
Laughing and shouting, she runs her fingers through your hair.
You stare into each other’s eyes as the screams sound from the yard
They have all fallen off the trampoline and broken their necks
In Mom and Dad’s minds eye…..
The two lovers whisper to each other, their hearts full of cheer
“Merry Christmas my love and Happy New Year”
7 thoughts on “Lame Poem #9: Xmas Thanx”
Now I so know why I wasn’t given children. I like to go to a family’s house, preferably one I know, and watch their children, then leave. Works for me. I was never like that as a child: I was truly grateful for each present, got on my knees after opening each present and said a small prayer for St. Nick, and never got coal. For some reason I get a ton of coal now: big trucks come to my bedroom window and just dump a load in the room. Not sure why? LOL
Peace & Love
I like coal.
I was told if i was patient, it’d be a diamond some day!
Well, since I am 50, I don’t think I have a lot of time left to wait for a friggin’ diamond. I don’t even like diamonds! I still want a Barbie car, and not the damn Prius or Mini Cooper they have now days. I want the old Corvette, or the RV. Yeah, see I was damaged as a child, never got the toys I really wanted. Woe is me!
Peace & Love
I hear your lamentations and weep for thee….
Yeah, well weeping is all fine and good, but DO I GET THE DAMN CAR? See, I have been hearing I am Sorry, couldn’t afford it, and get a job, all my life. It is time for me. I am sure ebay has one. Come on, you drive a big rig, Santa drives a big rig, you travel all over the place, Santa drives all over the place, you have a beard (small but if you don’t shave for a week I am sure there will be more of a resemblance), I think I am speaking to the right person here.