“There’s gonna be sex happening in this house, if you want to be in on it you have 30 minutes”
The call was cut off on the other end.
I didn’t recognize the voice…..I didn’t even know what house this mystery caller meant.
I live in an apartment….not a house….
I slowly stood up in my cubicle and looked over the top of the thin barriers, scanning the office, watchful for a quickly turned head, the sound of a giggle or the hanging up of a phone.
No such luck….. The rest of the ‘hive’ was hard at work and no one gave me a suspicious looking glance.
I lingered over the top of the cubicle walls for a few more seconds, waiting out the prankster with no success…..
Type click curse ring, ring, type click curse……. Regular office sounds.
My phone rang again and I let it.
I just stared at it for a second or two.
Maybe it was just a wrong number, or a dumb ass phone prank.
I answered the phone……Heavy, ragged breathing came thru the wire.
I looked at the caller I.D……..”Unregistered” blinked back at me, timed with my pounding heart.
“Who is this?” I hissed into the phone, then a quick barked laugh being cut off by the mystery caller hanging up.
I pulled the phone from my ear and was starting to put it back down when the cell phone in my shirt pocket vibrated.
I jumped in surprise….Then calling myself an idiot I looked at the incoming text message:
“If you want to see your wife and child again, you are running out of time….You have 28 minutes left.”
In horror I saw my home address at the bottom, followed by a smiley face.
As I hit my wife’s speed dial number, I thought….”I don’t have a kid” “What the hell is going on?”
No answer……I tried again………No answer…..Not even her voice mail.
I brushed past my boss on my way down the stairs and didn’t answer his yelling inquiry about my leaving early or why I was running….
No time……..I had to get home…..Should I call the police?
No……It could still be some sick joke, but I called the cops anyways.
They told me that they would send someone by the house and check for me. I told the cop on the other end of the line that I was on my way and I would be there in about 15 minutes.
I was in my car, fighting thru traffic when the police called me back and told me that no one had answered the door. I told him that my wife should be home, but the cop said that they had a lot more calls to answer and couldn’t hang around waiting on me.
I slammed the cell phone down on the dashboard in fright and frustration.
Just as it came to rest against the windshield it vibrated again.
The text read “No more police….You have 10 minutes”
“Son of a bitch, what the hell is going on!?” I swore at the phone.
The screen went black…..
I ran up the steps to my apartment, never breaking stride as I headed up the stairs until I got to within ten feet of my door….I stopped…….dead still.
There was a low flickering light coming from under the door.
I could feel the panic rising in my throat. I fished out my keys with trembling hands and went to unlock the door when to my shock I saw that it was already ajar.
The images racing thru my mind slowed my reflexes and reason….It was like being in a nightmare, the one you can’t run in…..but something crawls out of the dark and chases you….but you can’t run….
I stood to one side of the door and slowly pushed it open into our living room.
As I sneaked a peek between the door and frame, I slipped off my shoes.
I didn’t want to make a sound.
All of the lights were off except for a small glow coming from the hallway that leads to our bedroom and bathroom.
I could hear a low humming or chanting coming from down the hall. The bathroom door was shut….low throbbing light splaying across it like Dracula fingers….It was coming from our bedroom…oh shit oh shit oh shit…….
I called out my wife’s name……
Nothing…. oh shit oh shit oh shit……
I slowly trudged down the endless hallway, knee deep in blood and guts, devil signs splashed across the walls….
Not really, but it was spooky…..Know what I mean?
I picked up my softball bat from the rack next to our hallway closet, and prepared to enter our bed room.
I took a deep breath and slowly pushed the door open with my foot….The bat pulled back for a hard liner to right field.
My wife was lying on the bed, on top of tossed sheets and covered in blood….
Murder Murder RedRum RedRum!
When the light came on, my wife sat up on the bed. She wasn’t covered in blood! It was that tacky ass red teddy that I had bought her in the Bahamas!
She had her iPhone earbuds in and was humming….Grinning like the Cheshire cat.
“Did you get my call!?” She shouted over the noisy earbuds.
I just looked at her….The bat hanging in my hand.
“I got a new app for my phone; it makes all kind of different voices!” She shouted again….giggling.
I made a “Take them outta your ears, I can’t hear you” gesture, and she did.
“You scared the shit outta me” I said with relief pouring over me like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
“I thought something was wrong”
She laughed and poo pooed me with a fist pump, laughing harder now.
“What the hell is wrong with you woman?” I was starting to laugh a little too, infected by her beautiful flashing eyes and goofiness.
She got to her knees on the bed and started swaying back and forth doing that Hula dance hand thingee at me.
In a husky, throaty voice and with a shit eating grin on her face,
“I’ m ovulating honey…..Let’s make a baby”
And so we did…..
[18 years later]
“So kiddo….when your mother says that I was raped and that’s how you were conceived, don’t believe her”
My son smiles at this.
The snow is starting to fall a little heavier now and our neighbors Christmas lights are starting to blink on and off…..
“You can’t rape the willing mom says and she ALSO says that you can’t testify against your own wife” he adds with a serious tone.
I chortle….My son guffaws….
“Well we both know your mother’s a little nuts, but we still love her…”
“Yeah Dad….best mom in the world” says my son.
“Now let’s get in there and pretend to like the Christmas dinner she’s cooked!”
We both laugh and turn towards the house….
We both freeze…..
My dear sweet wife….My son’s mother…..Is standing RIGHT there at the top of the steps.
“Pretend?” she asks. There is a slight look of annoyance on her face.
My wife has a big snowball in her hand, and is packing it tight.
“Which of you is the first to die?” She smiles that crooked smile….a glint in those big blue eyes.
I toss my thumb towards my son and a quick head nod to indicate that it is HE that must die first, but my son is stronger and smarter than his old man and he SHOVES me into the freaking snow by our walkway, and runs away yelling and laughing!
I lay there in the snow looking up at the woman I have loved all these years….the mother of my children….my beautiful, intelligent, non- cooking wife….and I say:
But there is none….
I am killed by a snowball to the crotch and some down the back of my sweater as I hear my son’s shouts from safely behind our car at the curb…
“Hit him again Mom, He said you raped him again!”
Merry Freaking Ho Ho…..