“Give it up fat boy!”
In the dim light of my living room, the only light coming from our Christmas tree and a fireplace with twinkling embers, I could see shadows moving up and down the walls and the ceiling.
But I wasn’t looking at them…. I was looking for Saint Nick.
“Saint” hmmmph…..! What kinda person who steals candy Divinity from me can be dubbed a “Saint”?
I’ve been trying to catch this guy in the act since I was 8 years old.
I still remember coming down the stairs of my childhood home and seeing the presents and glorious tree.
I was so excited….I checked the milk and cookies that we had left for Santa.
They were gone and drank. Excellent!
Until I went into our kitchen to grab a couple of pieces of the candy Divinity from the fridge, I was ecstatic!
I opened the fridge……No Divinity…! Gone!
“Mom…!” I shouted from the kitchen….”Where’s all the Divinity!?”
“It’s on that Christmas plate with elves on it” she answered.
I saw the plate….I saw the elves….I didn’t see any of MY candy.
“It’s all gone!” I shouted back….a slight hitch in my voice.
“I guess Santa ate it then”
My parents laughed…..
All of these memories were racing thru my mind as I racked another shell into the shotgun.
I had been denied MY favorite Christmas Candy for 30 years!
Every Xmas morning since I was 8 years old this sneaky fat bastard had been robbing me blind. Leaving me crap like….brownies, chestnuts, banana bread and fruit cake!
Who in the hell eats fruit cake? I’ve never ever seen ANYONE eat one slice of the stuff…..I don’t even think you’re supposed to eat it….are you?
I was peeking over the back of my couch toward our kitchen, remembering how last year I had found a note from Santa on my Divinity platter saying HOW MUCH he had enjoyed the candy….
“See how you like this shit!” I screamed as I blasted two shots from the shotgun in the general direction of the last muffled “Ho Ho Ho” I had heard.
Presents went flying, gifts exploded, ornaments shattered!
I rolled from behind the couch and found a new spot to cover the kitchen door with the 12 gauge, loaded with double ought buck shot.
The smell of the wounded Christmas tree and scorched tinsel in my nose.
A muffled “Ho Ho Ho”…..
“Why you son of a….” I muttered to myself as I crept towards the kitchen door.
Just as I got to the kitchen door Santa busted thru it like a battering ram, rolling across the floor as I pumped shot after shot at him, trying to anticipate his direction.
“DIE KRINGLE!!” I screamed in my best demented voice, dropping the empty shotgun and whipping out my light saber in one fluid movement.
Then…to my surprise, twenty Navy Seals popped up from various points of the room laying down suppressive fire as that jolly fat bastard made a break for the fireplace.
I knocked the flying bullets away with my light saber, never taking my eyes off Kringle.
I moved parallel to him…debris flying….bullets ricocheting off the walls. One hit the thermostat and for just a second I thought “Great, I don’t know how to reset that damn thing”
Santa had made it to the fireplace.
The shooting had stopped. The Seals had formed a protective ring around him.
I held the light saber out in front of me….I tipped the end toward Santa in a mocking way and said;
“Let’s dance….you and I”
He just grinned at me…..Crumbs of candy divinity in his beard and teeth.
“You Mother f….!” I dove at him, self preservation be damned!
I crashed into the Navy Seals….fighting, clawing…biting!
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
“Noooo!” I screamed….!
Kris Kringles “Ho Ho Ho’s” disappearing with him up my chimney.
It was my wife’s voice….far away…faint.
“Honey…!” Clearer now….closer.
She was shaking me….
I opened my eyes and muttered “Divinity….”
She looked at me with a puzzled grin and asked “Divinity?” She giggled.
I blinked my eyes and looked at her.
She smiled at me….
There was candy Divinity in her teeth…..
“Noooo!” I screamed.
She began to laugh, and jumped on my chest, tickling me!
I laughed out loud, throwing her off of me and straddling her on the bed.
“No really…” I said, holding the pillow over her face…..
She quit laughing and began to “Ho Ho Ho”
My therapist has insisted on that…..