Fuddy Duddy

Its official…..

I have turned into an old fuddy duddy.

I arrived at my nieces house yesterday after driving across Wyoming (East to West) at the blazing average speed of 38 mph thru white-out conditions, icy interstate 80, steep grades, 4 wheelers forgetting the laws of physics and stupid ass super truckers.

There isn’t much to look at in Wyoming on this route, during this time of year…….

[Side Note] Is it an evil thing to hope you see a pile of burning twisted metal around the corner, or at the bottom of a hill that resembles the asshole on the cell-phones car that almost ran you off the icy road 5 minutes before?
Wish I may wish I might….I say “Burn in hell!”


When I showed up at my nieces house yesterday morning, the first thing that came out of her kids mouths were …..GUESS……

You probably guessed right…..”Where’s our presents?!” “What’d you bring me!?”

I didn’t bring them a DAMN thing!

I’ll explain in a second….

They were standing around the door as I entered, and as these inquiries were being shouted out I could see over their punk heads the typical destruction of Christmas morning.

I also noted the harried faces of Mom and Dad. Pale….sleepless….. Sunken….Concentration camp eyes.

I seen presents that were lying on the floor, sitting on the couch or mixed up in a tangle of shredded gift wrapping here and there, presents that were already being ignored.

The 3 boys went right back to what they had been doing.

Playing the PlayStation 3…..

I asked their Mom if that was a new game they were playing and she said “No” it was not.

I looked around again…..2 PSP’s (portable PlayStation thingee’s with 2 games apiece!), 2 Nerf guns, 3 MP4 players, a remote control helicopter and little gadgets here and there.

And these guys looked like they had opened the presents, looked at them, watched as Dad put in the batteries or loaded the Nerf bullets, seen the lights flash, threw them on the floor and surrounding furniture, turned on the TV and PlayStation 3 and began playing the same game they have had for the past year.

I heard one of them say “I wish we’d got a PlayStation 4….”

I know they are just kids…..but I lost my mind…

I couldn’t take it anymore…..these spoiled American kids!

Here is my abridged tirade:

A) “You buncha ungrateful little shits!”

B) “Do you know how hard your parents work to be able to get you stuff for Xmas!?”

Response from 7 year old “Santa Claus brought this!”

Response from crazed Uncle: “Bullshit, everybody knows there’s no Santa Claus….grow up!”

Explanation of why it is impossible for Santa to exist comprising 10 minutes

C) Watch in delight as I shatter their little fantasies!

D) “There are millions of kids on this planet that don’t have parents, homes, food or freaking Christmas presents and here you are bitching
because… (Add whiny voice here and wiggle fingers by face with eyes spinning around while doing a little sissy jig) “I didn’t get a PlayStation

E) Watch as their parents mouths drop open and their eyes widen because they are so proud that Uncle Trey has arrived to set the kids straight and say the things that they won’t or dare not say.

I ignore them when they tell me to leave or they’ll call the Police…..

I am immune to pepper-spray too….

I’m on my soap box baby! Can I get an AMEN!!??

F) I tell them how when I was a dirty little butt muncher I had to grow my own Christmas tree!

G) I tell them about the tears I shed when I had to cut it down every year.

H) I tell them how I had to drag it uphill through the blinding snow and grizzly bears….both ways!
Yes….it snows and there are Grizzly Bears in South Georgia….Quit interrupting….

I) I tell them about how I had to hunt for food to put on our table for Xmas morning and how my family didn’t know until I got back from my
stalking if we were having turkey or the neighbor’s dog…..

J) I told them that we were lucky to get two wooden sticks to beat together for Christmas!

I went on and on about how ungrateful and mean they were being to their parents….Waving my arms about, sprinkling ash in my hair and on my countenance, tearing at the sack cloth about my loins and shoulders….!

My pain for the children of the world forgetting what Christmas is really about….What it stands for was terrible!

I checked Wikipedia to be sure I had the definition down right then continued with my harangue.

I fell to my knees, my head hanging low….the sweat from my brow dripping onto old gift wrapping.

The anguish for a lost society heavy in my soul…..

I looked up in amazement when I heard the sweet sound of one of the boys shout out in glee!

I had gotten through to them….I had changed their outlook and perception of Christmas!

“OMG You killed me!” Shouted one brother to the other, their faces locked on the TV while engaging in virtual PS3 mortal combat.

Their Mom and Dad….asleep on the couch, their legs splayed….mouths open….blanket’s tossed.

I saw my 4 year old niece sitting in the corner humming to one of her new baby dolls as she dressed it…..

Well I’ll be damned…..

“Mom….Uncle Trey’s here”

“Well, let him in then”

“He’s already in”

“Okay…Hi Trey” she rolls over and pulls the blanket up….

Great….Ungrateful little shits, now I gotta go stand in the freaking returns line….

I got them the same damn things!

4 thoughts on “Fuddy Duddy”

  1. You don’t even want to know how many times I interrupted you or rolled my eyes.

    Fuuny! Glad you arrived safe.

    Peace & Love
    By the way: are there grizzlies in Georgia?

  2. Trey: They are kids…that’s what kids do!!! that’s what you did. no kid ever thought abut anybody else. It’s a defense mechanism. If they want to live and grow strong and
    be as big as you…they have to adopt the “me first and to hell with you” attitude…
    It’s the only thing that will get them through…

    but late at night, when they really tired and need sleep and leaving this world to the land of their dreams…just a kiss and a hug and a loving word, makes them the sweet little things they started out as…

    When they get to be about 16, any sweet young girl can make them change abruptly
    into loving men also…IT’s the law of the land…It works for you don’t it? see….


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