“That’s it…I’m done!”
I sat down heavily on a rock, pulling off my sandals and clapping them together to get this freaking sand off of them!
It’s like walking on F’n sandpaper! (Get it?)
I was a little annoyed and to be honest, at my wits end.
You see…Last Tuesday was my birthday. I turned 49 years old, and I have been following this dude I know called Moses thru this F’n desert since I was 9 years old !!
Lately I’ve been stewing over the fact that for 40 years me and my bunch have been traipsing thru this wilderness… following this guy.
Where we were going was anybody’s guess!
Hell… We just keep following and following him…worse than the F’n sheep!
At least they had the sense to wander off or throw themselves into the jaws of a carnivore or something!
Hell…¾ of the people that started out on this F’n “safari” were dead!!
But Noooo…we had to keep moving around. Had to keep looking for this” better” neighborhood…or what did Moses call it…”The promised land?”
Like I had said earlier, I have been simmering over this for a least 20 something years or so.
But, as soon as I realized I was now only a year from my 50th birthday…it seemed stupid.
I thought to myself…“I’ve known Moses since before all this mess. I knew him when he was a F’n brick-layer!” And…I’ve been following him around for…40…YEARS!
What the hell man?!!
My wife was on my ass…my kids were on my ass, hell! I’ve got 30 kids I know of!
You don’t have much to do in the desert when all you do is walk…chase birds…eat manna off the floor…look for water….
I figure I’ve probably got 2 or 3 kids I don’t even know about since the night we all went to that golden calf thing.
Now that…was a party.
I was tired of walking. I just wanted to find a nice little mirage or oasis somewhere. Soak my treads, eat some dates…drink a little wine.
Not much to ask for someone who is now…my age.
I shaded my eyes from the F’n sun and started looking for Moses.
There was a bunch of us Hebrews…Jordanians, Philistines and Vikings out here now.
We had run into these Vikings over by Sodom. They were camped out by the biggest damn bonfire I had ever seen. Some were drinking tequila and licking a statue.
Hey…whatever floats your boat. But, they were cool.
I finally saw Moses over by his brother Aaron. They were looking at something in Moses hand.
I slipped my F’n sandals back on and stood up to walk over and ask Moses…for the 1000th time…
”Dude, are we there yet?” I smiled.
That always pissed him off. I felt like doing that right now.
My wife whispered “Where are you going!” I looked back over my shoulder, closing an eye to block that F’n sun!
I just stood there. She looked at me. I gave my head a couple of quick jerks in Moses direction. She followed my gaze. Her face tightened. Looking back at me, she sat down and took off her sandals.
“About mother sucking time” she grunted.
My wife has a dirty mouth.
I walked up to the 2 brothers. They were still looking at the thingee in Moses hand.
I strode over.
Moses and Aaron noticed me at their sides. “..sup!” said Aaron…,”..sup! said Moses. “…sup” said I.
Aaron huffed out, “I think there’s something wrong with our “thingee” that the “Angel” (he made quote marks with his fingers) this Angel gave us to find this damn land Moses keeps babbling about”
“Eat me” Moses shot back… gravely inspecting the “thingee”
“I’ve had this thing for almost 20 years now…and I’m starting to think it’s broken” Moses whined.
“How do you mean?”…I was getting concerned now.
Aaron jerked a thumb at his brother…looking at me Aaron said “NOW he thinks it’s broke” he laughed mockingly.
Moses snipped…”Hey, you talk to a burning bush and see if you don’t get a little religious!”
“Well…?I mused, breaking up the bitch fest, returning my gaze to the thingee…”What is it NOT doing?”
Moses said “The angel told me that if it acted up to take this little stick and poke it in this hole in the back”…he demonstrated this.
“Then, I wait for 10 seconds, I push this thingee here…” he demonstrated this too. “Now we wait for a second”…we waited for 10.
All of a sudden the little thingee spoke!
I almost shit my pants!
Maybe Moses wasn’t jacked up on peyote!
It said “In 100 miles…take left turn…onto road to…Jericho…then…in 900’…make left onto…Rome highway…”
“That’s all it’s been saying for 20 years!” bitched Aaron.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” I was dumbstruck.
Moses just stood there. He handed me the thingee.
“I’m gonna go talk to the bush” he said.
I stood there…beyond words.
What in the HELL was I gonna tell the old lady? She’d be PISSED!!
All these 40 years I had been following this cat. And now I find out…that our one means of direction is on the fritz!
My wife is gonna kick my ass!
I dropped down onto the sand. I needed some Viking tequila all of a sudden.
Aaron took the thingee from my hand and threw it on the ground.
He cursed…he stomped…he spit…he pissed on it!
I hollered…”Aaron…enough! If you get everyone else worked up, there’ll be a freaking blood-bath!”
He stood there panting. Looking down at the thingee that lie at his feet…imbedded in the sand.
With a sigh, I stood up and walked over to him.
He was crushed. Poor guy, I know how he felt.
I bent over and picked up the thingee. I started to brush it off…it spoke…I dropped it in alarm.
“You have reached…your destination…please look for…your destination…on the right”
Me and Aaron stood there… Speechless.
I looked around.
I saw a sign about 100 yards from us that had been hidden behind a grove of palms.
I tapped Aaron on the arm and jerked my head toward the sign and started walking toward it. He followed.
We stood at the bottom of the sign and looked up at it. We couldn’t read it. Couldn’t even tell if it was words or writing.
“Where the hell are we?” I asked.
The Viking king Eric the Red wobbled up…he was drunker than shit!
He looked at us. We looked at him. He swayed. He farted and scratched his nards. We wrinkled our noses.
Squinting up at the sign thru his bloodshot eye, the Viking king looked up at the sign.
He swallowed then burped again and said…”Vegas…10 miles”
We had made it!!!
3 thoughts on “Travels With Moses”
Now this was funny.
My laptop took a poop. I’ve been posting with my phone for 4 days!
Love the voice in this piece. Most. Excellent 🙂