“Ruffage” Rabbit

There are a lot of things that change when you reach adulthood.

You get gray hair…

You get hair in places that shouldn’t have hair…

Your hair falls out in places it shouldn’t fall out.

“Mr. Happy” isn’t as happy go-lucky as he used to be. (Guys know what I mean)

The hair on our faces and legs (I mean girls of course) becomes like unto wire and we go thru many more $400 razor cartridges than we used to.

Remember when our hair used to be so soft, shiny and luxuriant?

Now, it feels like kitchen carpet….with worn spots and frayed.

But I was thinking about something as I sat down to have dinner.

I was about to eat my steamed broccoli when it popped into my head “When did I start eating broccoli?”

 I HATE  broccoli…! Or….I used to.

Now I freaking love it!

Is it my age?

Have my tastes changed?

Am I more “health conscious” toward my eating habits without realizing it?

Am I evolving into a higher life form that requires a certain diet to maintain my many levels of excellence and perfection?

Nay say’s I….

As far as I know I am still a carnivore….with vegetarian tendencies.

I remember when I was a kid sitting at the table watching partially chewed broccoli roll out of my mouth, down my tongue onto my plate 2 inches below my chin and making the “eck” sound.

Hey, at least I gave it a shot.

My eldest son won’t even put milk in his cereal! He eats it dry with a glass of milk on the side.

Kinda like a chaser for Captain Crunch….

He’s 25 now, has kids of his own and they’re just as weird as he is!

They dip dill pickles in peanut butter for god sakes!!

At least I’ll try new foods….Maybe not when I was a kid, you see I knew that my grannies tomatoes, cabbages, okra and Brussels sprouts were being grown using horse shit!

I keep telling all the kids of my assorted families that they should never turn up their noses at trying a new food, that how do they know they won’t like it if they don’t try it?

Little hungry kids in Africa and China would kill for some damn broccoli!

Yeah, I didn’t fall for that bullshit either….

Brussels Sprout’s are boogers from the Jolly Green Giant. I found that out in the second grade and still believe it.

I don’t know exactly when I started eating broccoli, sauerkraut, sushi, okra, carrots or mostly anything green….except lettuce.

You expend more calories chewing lettuce than you get from it.

But, I love me some lettuce.

Hell, one of my favorite sandwich combinations is bread, yellow mustard and lettuce!

I call it “Poor starving student that can’t afford lunch meat” Sandwich.

I like my broccoli steamed covered in nacho cheese or hollandaise sauce.

I WILL eat it sans sauces, but I prefer it cloaked and mysterious….

Oh crap, speaking of hollandaise sauce….That reminds me, I’m also eating asparagus now too….and friggin’ cauliflower!

Who in the hell eats cauliflower!? It has absolutely no taste! It’s a crunchy cotton ball!

If you had tried to get me to eat that shit when I was a kid, I’d have called child welfare services or something!

It wouldn’t have worked back then though, times were different.

The CWS agent would have shown up, beat the hell out of me for being a bad kid, then my parents would have beat the hell out of me for calling CWS and not eating my vegetables, THEN, my bus driver probably would have beaten my ass for general principles.

Why do I eat cauliflower…? It’s got me wondering now. I mean….I can understand broccoli or asparagus….but cauliflower?

I’ll have to look it up….Maybe I’m turning gay…..

Relax people, just teasing….

Anywho….

Sushi…..I have no idea why I started eating sushi.

But, I love it.

I eat seafood in the raw more than cooked.

Of course the chances of dying are greatly increased when not cooking seafood before you eat it, but hey….I is a man who lives on the edge.

I have a cast iron tummy I think.

I can eat anything out of a can….I mean ANYTHING.

I don’t have the patience to cook it I guess.

Maybe I need a certain level of botulism in my blood to function correctly.

I have actually eaten green eggs and ham…..I don’t see the big deal.

I remember being served liver and onions as a kid.

I can tell you for a fact that liver has not passed these lips in 40 years!

I would starve to death if that was all I had to eat.

You do know what a liver’s function is in the body don’t you?

I rest my case Perry Mason….

My therapist told me that it’s better with some Fava Beans and a nice Chianti….

Do you know I’ve got hair right between my shoulder blades now…?

 I saw it yesterday.

 I’ve got more hair on my back than I do on my chest now!?

I’ve starting to look like some old English gentleman from the 19^th century.

 Hair in my ears, bushy freaking eyebrows, an ever expanding widows peak….

And I’m eating my vegetables….

What the hell is going on here peoples?

I think I will revolt against this inclination for roughage and go Neanderthal.

First thing tomorrow morning, I’m gonna find me a rabbit and club it to death with a stick and cook it over a fire, sprinkle some dirt on it, wrap it in some hay and chow down.

That’ll teach me to go all crazy again….

Cauliflower….Pffffttt!