I knew this was gonna hurt….
I am constantly amazed by the fact that I have lived as long as I have.
I consider myself having a sense of light-hearted comportment and dry humor.
I consider myself to be occasionally narcissistic and obnoxious.
I consider myself to be good-hearted and possess a high threshold against loss of temper.
I consider myself full of piss and vinegar!
…..and sometime’s I’m just full of shit.
But, there is an occasional day here and there, like the rest of you have, that starts off with a bang.
I stepped out of my semi-truck again…..and forgot about the steps.
If any of you can picture in your minds how large a big-rig is, you can get an idea of how high up my door is from the ground.
I stopped my truck at the New Orleans Cold Storage where I am delivering Tyson Chicken for export that has passed Islamic Rite treatment for hungry little Russian children.
I am hauling chicken wings for Muslim Cossacks….
Ain’t no thang but a chicken Wang!
After I had turned off my truck, set the parking brakes and sent in my message of arrival to the white man, I gathered up my bills….opened my truck door….and stepped out into space.
The final frontier….
This is the record of what passed thru my mind in those 2 seconds:
A) “Well shit….”
B) “I hope no one sees me”
C) “ There’s water on the ground, and I just took a shower day before yesterday” (Note: Don’t judge, it’s a religious observance)
D) “This asphalt looks new, maybe it hasn’t gotten hard yet”
E) “Damn…my paperwork is gonna get wet”
F) “Well there goes my hat….”
One second has elapsed.
Now we alter the physical universe and proceed to the parallel plane where my thoughts continue during this lull in time….
A) “I can’t believe I have done this twice in a year.”
B) “I wrote a blog post about it then too.”
C) “I think that was in Tacoma, Washington”
D) “The asphalt is hard in Tacoma”
E) “An old man seen me and I had to kill him”
The wind is whipping thru my close-cut hair and gravity is jerking me toward the earth as if though I’m its partner in a square dance during a dosey-doe.
I think to myself;
A) “Self….Should I roll to my left or right, or land on my back?”
B) “If I land on my back I will smack my head on the pavement, go into a coma and possibly be sexually molested by candy-stripers during my vegetative state”
C) “If I land on either side I could break a rib which will jam thru my lungs and heart, causing massive loss of blood and oxygen to my brain causing me to go into a coma and possibly be sexually molested by candy-stripers during my vegetative state”
2ND second time has begun…..
My body is not that of a chiseled high-diver.
I cannot move in mid-air. I am not Superman.
Obviously, I cannot defy gravity. This is becoming rapidly evident.
I am breaking the sound barrier….no wait…..That wasn’t the sound barrier.
I think I have shit my pants.
Great….It’s gonna be so embarrassing when the coroner shows up….
They’ll need a body bag, a snow shovel and some kitty litter…..
I can see pretty papers floating around my face, my hat spinning thru the air in slow motion.
The diamond sparkles of sand in the asphalt are twinkling like tears thru the tepid rain water as if greeting a long lost friend.
I can see the mark of tire treads and pieces of rubber uncoiling beneath me like an angry dragon, spinning and writhing…..snapping at my loins….
I have stretched out my arms now.
I am waiting to embrace Mother Earth……
My body is at the crucial 45 degree angle, head below ass, that is critical in achieving minimum drag and reduces friction.
Just as I pass into Warp speed I can feel my splayed palms caressing our globe.
I watch in amazement as the back of my hands and the wrinkles across my wrist turn white due to the impact forcing the blood back skyward into my face.
I am baffled by the inability of my elbows to absorb the shock and watch in horror as they fold up like one of those test cars you see on safety videos with the crash dummies flying thru the windshield.
No help there….
A shoe flies across my field of vision….What the hell!?
Why am I wondering which shoe come off as my left ear and cheek are ripped off upon impact with the now completely hardened asphalt?
Next comes the left shoulder, No snap….bonus!
Then…the left ribcage….
No spurting blood or escaping air from a nipple….bonus!
Then the left hip hits followed by my knees slamming together with the energy of a nun in a saddle factory.
I roll over onto my back slowly….My brain people running a diagnostics scan over the crashed ship.
I am alive….
I am a big fat, bald-headed lily pad slowly spinning in a parking lot rain puddle.
Now I know which shoe came off.
My hat is spinning next to my right hip, slowly filling with water.
Paperwork still flutters down upon my face and chest like big Xerox snowflakes.
The sky is so blue…..
“Hey dude! You okay!!??”
SON OF A BITCH!!!