As I was flipping thru the file cabinets of my brain for these ideas I thought it’s been a while since I expressed something about the battle with my alcoholism.
The more I thought of what direction to take with the post I realized that there was a small problem….
Let me explain….
You’ve all heard the “Once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic.”
Sadly this is true.
Although people successfully live sober for years after “going on the wagon” I can assure you, without a doubt, that none of them are secure in their ability to maintain their sobriety.
But they know the monster is still there….Waiting……
Just a drink away.
I can’t drum up any sad feelings for a post right now.
I can’t scrape up any guilt or remorse.
I can’t work myself into a thought process or a mood to recount my years as a …..I was gonna say practicing drunk, but there was no practice about it.
I had that shit down pat….!
I am glad to say that I haven’t drank anything for quite a while and I haven’t even THOUGHT about it until now.
I can’t “wow” you with tales of woe and misery from my past tonight.
I just realized that I am a happy and content guy.
I don’t want to think about those years that were lost.
Denial can be your friend…..sometimes.
Now, if anyone asks me…I’ll give them advice about how to avoid failing in their quest to stay sober or where to get information about treatments or even take them to an AA meeting, but right now I don’t have a miserable bone in my body.
I am sober….
I am alive…..
I am content…..
But….I know me too.
I lived it….
I WAS the walking dead.
I have seen what I am capable of and the destruction that I can bring to those who care about me by just taking that first sip of spirits.
To the alcoholic, they are most certainly demons.
This is what I tell myself when the thought pops into my head from nowhere “Man, I need a drink….just one”
- “I can’t….won’t go through that again”
- “Do you wanna die Treydawg?”
- “Am I out of my fucking mind!?”
- “I’ve lost too much, much too much”
- “I’m not gonna shit on all this time sober”
The fall from grace is always greater after a long spell of sobriety.
I especially fear any relapse.
Not fear really…..DREAD.
Every long term sober alcoholic will tell you that when we slip and take that first taste, we are lost.
I know….from the bottom of my soul, that if I fail…..I will die.
Plain and simple.
Not just for me….For those I love.
Yes….that doesn’t make any sense I know. Yes….it is selfish.
But I honestly think they’ll get over it quicker that way than watching me fall to pieces all over again and wasting away in gutters over months or years, God forbid.
I knew that if I wrote about this too much or thought of it in detail I would get down on myself.
But, I am recovering quickly and it is easier now to count the good things in my life and what I am grateful for.
I used to couldn’t do that……
It was a dark place that I existed in, and there was never any light for anything to grow….
Like hope for example.
If you know anyone that is an alcoholic or an addict, trust me when I say this….
Please help them if you can.
If you love them, never quit trying to help them.
They need you, despite what they say.
They are truly insane…..trust me.
I can’t explain to you why I am an alcoholic.
I could give typical generic excuses like family problems, divorce, money, etc.
But lifetime sober people face these same dilemmas in life and stay sane….to an extent.
So why do some people turn to drink and evolve into an alcoholic life?
I have no fucking idea….
It just happened.
Over and over and over again.
But right now…..this minute?
I’m ahead of the game…..
But….I know me, and I don’t trust him.
I think that’s the secret of my sobriety…