Another Look at My Granny Leg


Uh-OH…Image

My feet are kinda itching from wearing socks and shoes.

 I usually wear sandals when I drive for comfort and non-stinkyness.

Truckers aren’t supposed to wear sandals when driving, but Johnny Law don’t have to live with our feet…do he?

Anyways…

As I was reaching the orgasmic plane scratching the in-step of my right foot, I noticed something.

I HAVE A VARICOSE VEIN!!!

On my right calf!

Where…in…the…hell…did that come from?!

I have a varicose vein?!

 I’m 49 years old and I’ve got a granny leg?!!

Jesus, Joseph and Mary!

I’ve been noticing a few twinges or burning sensations in my calf for the last little bit but I chalked it up to my Hypochondriatic paranoia. (See post “Oh Crap!)

You know…? Ghost pain…

When I rub it or flex it, it’d go away for a while.

I didn’t think much about it….

We never do…do us?

I mean…guys don’t even wash below our knees.

I must still have the “indestructible” attitude of a younger man despite the fact that most of my body parts which are visible are starting to sag, turn colors and smell.

ImageDenial…What a beautiful place.

 Outside of Egypt somewhere I think…

It’s always nice there.

Anywho…

This freakin’ vein is about as wide as my finger and just as long!

It looks like it’s got a dang knuckle too!

I poked it with my finger and it just rolled around like warm Vaseline in a sandwich bag.

Ewwwwwww!

It hasn’t turned granny blue yet, but who knows what it will do? 

What if it burst?

What if there’s a blood clot?!

I HATE BLOOD CLOTS!!

I just checked my left calf…no sign of a granny leg yet thank God.Image

I just Googled “Varicose Veins” and checked WebMD and there are treatments.

There are direct injections into the vein.

Don’t really want to think on that option quite yet.

I’m not scared of needles mind you, just a little wary that the doctor may have had a fight with his wife, strangled her, chopped up her body, threw it in the fire place and THEN found out the insurance policy he had on her cancelled last Tuesday and I’m the first one in the office with the same last name as his recently dissected wife’s maiden name before she turned into a soul sucking bitch!

That…is how my brain works.

Hypochondriatic Paranoia is a terrible thing.

The next treatments are prescriptions of course.

But I am not taking pills that have worser side effects than the freakin’ vein!

I can handle the varicose vein, but not the liver failure, kidney failure, bloody stools, leaking stools, black stools, no stools, or the ever terrifying blood clots I so dread.

Pills are a no go…unless Xanax or blotter acid works on bad veins.

Xanax or mild hallucinogens may not have an actual impact on the direct problem but at least I won’t give a shit.Image

I may consider amputation, but a missing limb still “feels” like it itches they say and I’m enough of a worrier to STILL think I’m getting ghost clots in my missing leg.

Try explaining that to your general practicioner without getting thrown into the booby hatch clad in a nice white jacket with buckles in the back!

I hate being crazy…..

Besides….what would I do with all those extra shoes if I went the chopping route?

I sit here and stare at the vein when it itches and I swear to god I can see it growing!

Of course, being a victim of HP, I strip off all of my clothes and start looking for other visible imperfections or tale-tale signs of deterioration.

I shouldn’t have eaten anything before I looked….

I was quite shocked after my first real self examination in years.

I have my Grannies body (post-hormone shots) and my Pawpaws head.

Saggy man boobs and thinning hair…..

Great……

Let’s just say that I am not as pretty as I use to be.

What am I gonna do now?

WebMD also suggests that walking and exercise will reduce the vein somewhat, and that will prevent others from “popping” up.

As a truck driver y’all understand that the majority of the time I am sitting for hours.

When I stop for rest the last thing I wanna do is walk.

 ImageI wanna sleep and watch dirty movies….

Dang….I said that out loud again.

That’s the Catch 22.

 

Either I get off my big fat lazy ass and walk…or suffer more granny leg.

Which do I hate worse?

Walking or Varicose veins?

 I’ll have to weigh my options.

 Hmmm…maybe I’ll risk the shots….

No….

I’ll just ask my doctor for more bigger Xanax.

4 thoughts on “Another Look at My Granny Leg”

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