Java Update

For those of you who follow my blog with the religiosity of a crime scene investigator, I have to tell y’all  that I have woken up in a good mood.

On a Monday…..In the morning…..During winter.

Sick bastard you say….?

Well, it’s early yet and something might still go wrong.

So don’t give up hope you buncha grouchy butts.

The coffee machine guy is late…..

I need JAVA.

Now!

Okay….Okay….Don’t think about it Trey, focus on something else…la de da la de la…

Okay good…..! I will start out with some of my favorite personal observations about my awesomeness, and some new ones that were obvious once I realized what I was looking at in myself.

Here we go….

1)      I would worship me against my own will.

2)      If I “ever” attempted suicide (This is just a hypothesis mind you) If I ever attempted suicide I would have to take advantage of myself first. Can’t let a sweet piece of ass go to waste right?

…..Shameful….

3)       I fully intend to finish a project that I’ve started…

(2 weeks later….)

See? I told you so.

I am working on creating a topical gel that will increase a man’s libido, penis size and stamina.

Now…if I can just get past that application stage….

Maybe I should have put it in a powder form instead of the smooth and silky lotion that moans when you open the tube.

I intend to become the world’s undisputed greatest lover.

By the way, how long does a restraining order last?

I hope that all the starving people of the world will get enough to eat.

At least after my McDonalds and Burger King stock portfolio splits again.

I hope to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

Here’s an honest question: When I shit my pants do you think it’ll hurt my aerodynamic profile or rate of descent?

One day my “wife’ will actually make me blow monkeys out of my butt.

I thought about slapping her around a little bit but she always gets turned on and frightens me somewhat….All that scratching and growling…..

One day I will learn to type with more than 2 ½ fingers.

I hope to buy the world some coke and….wait….That’s not how it goes…is it?

How much is coke now anyways?

What would I do if I had some coke or a big fat doobie right now?

I would do nothing.

At my age, and as long as I have been free of those urges and usages….?

I would probably be killed by the people I KNOW are following me when I’m stoned.

They use to only show up AFTER I got toasted.

Now they hobble down the street in my mind and stop me when I even think about it.

Instead of warning me of jail, addiction or psychiatric treatment facilities like they did when we were young, they say: “You can’t afford it” or “You night get drug tested” or “You’re too fat and you have high blood sugar….”

What a drag man…..

You know who I’m talking about you buncha freaking incense burning Jimi Hendrix-Black Sabbath-Jethro Tull-Timothy Leary worshipping baby boomer pot-heads!

They’re the people who stand just outside the corners of your vision and always hide just as you look between your window blinds for the hundredth time.

One day I will come to my senses and be overwhelmed by my beauty and burst into a rainbow…made of bubbles…with a unicorn…in a tutu.

I will teach myself how to read palms.

I’ve tried to read mine, but they seem to have been rubbed off.

I can’t figure out how that happened…hmmmm, maybe that new topical gel….

I will fight the urge to add ketchup to my French fries.

One day I will be all that I can be.

Only thing is, tomorrow keeps coming and I see no end in sight to my possibilities!

One day I will resist the temptation to…never mind.

…That’s impossible.

I hope to make someone smile or laugh so hard they fall down.

Then, I’ll steal their wallet.

In all honesty, say this happens in real life: How scared would you be if a Wicked Witch of the West appeared from a burst of smoke, got in your face and said you were pretty and she was gonna get your little dog too?

I think I would go poo poo kaka stinky doo doo…

How about this?

You’re walking thru a cornfield and a scarecrow starts to talk to you….

I had that happen once when I was eating mushrooms, so…no biggie.

You’re walking thru the woods and a tin axe man wants you to “oil” his parts…..

I’m not falling for that again Liberace’.

Here you go….A lion that happens to be a pussy…..

L. Frank Baum HAD TO BE on dope!

I love Charles Dickens myself.

I know that Chucky D wasn’t on no shit. (That’s what I call him….Chucky D)

Anywho…

I will make a quick admission then let you be on your separate ways:

If the coffee machine guy doesn’t get here pretty soon and stock this damn machine so I can finish installing my Java I’m gonna nut up and become a disgruntled employee and go all Miley Cyrus on day ass!

Holla!!!