Spiritual Butterfly

“I don’t believe in anything…”Image

That’s the first thought that popped into my head this morning.

When I opened my eyes, before I even lifted my head from the pillow, “Pop”…there it was, like a billboard.

“Where the hell did that come from?” was my second thought, my first cognitive thought of the day.

The previous thought I have mentioned seemed to have been waiting for me to wake up…”Just add light” it seemed.

It was such a profound occurrence that I just laid there for a bit…perplexed. I looked at my watch, 5:15 am?

I had just slept 9 hrs straight.


I never sleep more than 4 hrs at a stretch.


And what didn’t I believe in anymore? The thought wasn’t specific in that point…just there.

I knew that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Boogeyman were all safe, but what wasn’t?

I sat up on my bed and swung my feet to the floor, bending over and running my hands through my hair like all sleepy people do.

With my fingers arranging the bed head I had been styling all night, looking at my toes, I saw my Bible at my feet.

Oh…that again.

Now I knew.

Let me add some insight to myself.

 I am big on signs.

The kind of sign like a raven at your window.

Tapping at my chamber door….

A four leaf clover in a cow-pie.

A shooting star during the day.

You get my point. This was a sign.

Yes, I am somewhat superstitious.

I don’t worry about walking under ladders, stepping on cracks or opening umbrellas in-doors but, I will wreck my vehicle to kill a black cat.

Sorry cat lovers, get a Tabby.

Now….my serious part. I am answering my own questions honestly as I write this.

Do I believe in God?

No, I don’t.

At least not like organized religion has created him.

Not anymore.

I don’t feel anything missing which is kind of sad really. That must mean there wasn’t anything there in the first place.

I don’t know what caused the change of heart exactly nor can I explain it really.

Did I ever really believe?

 I can’t honestly answer that now. I was RAISED as a Christian.

I’ve been baptized several times, in several different religions.

Always searching……

I have felt the spirit move in me, or was it relief at sharing my faults with others….getting them off my chest?

 I know people that live a ‘godly’ existence but I have never been “quiet” in my soul.

I was never ‘comfortable’ with it.

For me now, there are too many contradictions…nay, questions and dilemmas I cannot ignore.

I wish I could.

I believe the Bible to be an inspired text, by inspired men.

 The greatest book of songs, stories, poems, parables ever written.

Its teachings are the basis of the “Christian” world.

The Jewish faith holds the first 5 chapters of the Old Testament sacred.

I love listening to it on my audio book but I know that it was written and “edited” by men.

To this day, Christians STILL don’t have the complete “Bible” as it was supposed to have been written.

Men decided what we should see……What should be kept from the world.

Men have controlled its publication and distribution.

I am NOT a biblical scholar and I won’t get into semantics about it, but this I do know.

Men are flawed.

The translation of the Bible is flawed.

Everyone knows this, but they choose to ignore it. It is truly an inspired book, or so men claim, as do others for The Quran, the Torah, The Book of Mormon or Dianetics, etc.,.

Maybe that’s why religious people seem so happy all the time.

Ignorance is bliss you know….and I’m not happy.

You know what gets me? That anyone of a particular faith has an answer for just about every possible scenario other people throw at them on why their religion is wrong and theirs right.

“I never get an answer to my prayers”     “Keep praying, you will in GODS GOOD TIME”

This kills me!

Sadly….Differences of opinion in Religions is still killing others, at this very moment.

Killing over belief……Condemning someone else because they don’t believe like you do.

It makes me sick.

Here you go, let’s do this simile of sorts:

Next time I see someone eating a tomato I’m gonna kill the shit out of them!

I hate tomatoes, and don’t care for people that like them. I want them to be like me. I want them to live like me so that I won’t have to worry about getting any tomatoes in my food….

Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matthew 7:1. But you hardly ever hear the later part of the following verses…Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye. Matthew 7:5

How do we know our religions are right or the “true” religion?

Do you know how many religions there are on this planet…that we know of? People of faith say “The bible is unchanging and perfect”…What?!

The Bible is believed to have been written over, how many years ago and people think that nothing was lost in translation from language to language…church to church….mano e mano?

We can’t even translate known languages on our planet properly!

Even when we can understand one another, we still don’t ‘listen’ to each other.

Don’t get me wrong. I think people that have the ability to maintain their faith are incredible people. I truly envy them. They seem truly happy and satisfied in their beliefs.

I don’t have that anymore. I don’t want it.

I told a cousin of mine that now…my faith is like a chalk board that has been wiped bare by a hand. You can still see traces, but there is no content.

This is the first installment of exploring my…loss of faith?

I don’t think it is a loss of faith. I still have faith in many things.

This is awakening to the fact that I am experiencing a change in my life. A change that I see as a positive move towards acceptance of my life as mine.

 My being…as mine.Image

There is no Hell, no punishment.

This is the hell…..We only take our feelings with us when we go. Happiness….regret…..loneliness…..guilt…..fulfillment.

Heaven is reaching ones true potential and true happiness in this life.

Did you know that the when you translate the word ‘sin’ from ancient Greek or Latin (I can’t recall which right now for certain) That ‘sin’ translates into “Missing the mark”.

Remember….Language was created by man.

Don’t start in on the Tower of Babel….

Guilt and regret was created by man. I wasn’t born guilty but I LEARNED to be.

I wasn’t born regretful but I LEARNED to be.

I didn’t know what sin was until I was over 8 years old.

The way I look at it now………. If I wasn’t born with it, I don’t have it.

I was born with awareness.

Pleasure/Pain…Right/Wrong…Common sense…Concern about others. Basic instincts for protecting the weak.

I am not guilty for what my parents did or did not do. My kids are not guilty for what I’ve done.

Any description of God or the concept of a God, or what I believe a God to be, would never allow guilt or sins to be passed down generation to generation. That a 5th generation grandson can be punished for something a 1st generation ancestor did! Doesn’t that go against all the definitions of repentance, forgiveness, absolution or atonement that churches preach? It’s stupid to even consider it!

What is happening in the world today would never be allowed by a loving “God”. He would not stand for it.

 It never would have happened in the first place. He’s all knowing…right?

 If he’s there…then he has turned his face from us.

 I now believe…we have created this mess.

 Man has created this hell on earth.

Man created “God” to teach society morality, norms, mores’ and quite literally, control. And that was critical and necessary I believe.

If we had not had a “God”, we would have destroyed ourselves long ago. We still tried our best to do so, and are still endeavoring to complete the task.

Soon my brethren…soon.

But, who has the right “God”? Navajo’s…Mayans…Sikhs…Zulu…Holy Rollers…Witnesses?Image

There are beautiful things on this earth. I see them every day.

I believe in a “God” of my own understanding. One that creates all this beauty around me. One that celebrates my free agency to make my own decisions. One that knows I am a big, fat, dirty truck driver…and never asks which church I belong to or faith I follow.

Matter of fact…”God” has never actually spoken to me. But I hear “me” all the time.

“God” is in me. I do believe in that.

[Next week…Chapter 2: Why man won’t succeed]

12 thoughts on “Spiritual Butterfly”

  1. Perhaps each one has to find his/her own answer. I think we are tuned by an innate desire to believe in “something,” that can be recognized in nature,or people, or whatever prompts our love and sense of the music of the spheres or the universal spirit. Even believing in nothing is believing in something.

  2. Fascinatey ing. Really.

    The bible is one of the most documented historical books on the face of the earth. What we have, I agree, is translations from the original and yet, the original fragments they have found match what we have today. Sure there are some mistakes, but just like any other “eyewitness” account (that is what the NT is called) there may be variations but they all agree. Just like if we both witnessed a hit and run, you would give information slightly varied from mine, but the fact remains, we both saw the hit and run. We don’t discount the accident just because my version is a blue truck and yours is a black truck… it was still a truck.

    There is enough documentation (non-biblical) to verify many things of the NT, and archeology has uncovered enough evidence that backs up many things of the OT. The OT is there to reveal one thing to us… God’s Righteousness and man’s inability to be righteous. Even those he chose out of all other nations of the earth, the Israelites, could not be righteous. The OT shows us the need for a Savior… and the NT reveals the lengths that Savior went to in order to create a way back into right relationship with God.

    Yes, the Greek for sin means missing the mark.. In Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” it is the word hamartanó: originally: I miss the mark, hence (a) I make a mistake, (b) I sin, commit a sin (against God); sometimes the idea of sinning against a fellow-creature is present. Aristophanes Plutarch, 961, others); then to err, be mistaken; lastly to miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honor, to do or go wrong. In the N. T. to wander from the law of God, violate God’s law, sin; absolutely:offend, sin, trespass. properly, to miss the mark (and so not share in the prize), i.e. (figuratively) to err, especially (morally) to sin — for your faults, offend, sin, trespass.

    God’s law is written on our hearts and minds… that’s what we typically refer to as our conscience. The mark we miss is the righteousness (think 10 Commandments) God expects from us, but since sin entered the world none of us have the ability to do that. We need someone greater than ourselves… and that is Jesus Christ.

    The reason this world seems like hell, is because it isn’t the end. Sin is prevalent. Yes, God is all knowing… yes, he knew this would happen… and yet he still created us with free will to choose him and his way, or reject him and his way. Jesus said, those who follow him would have to lay down their own lives in order to find it… They would have to pick up their cross to follow him… The hell of this earth is a cross we all must bear. Jesus also said, “Those that endure to the end shall be saved.” We were never promised a rose garden… and from the life you’ve lead, you know life is not a rose garden. It’s hard. It takes guts to get through some things. But, there is another beginning we must prepare for in this life, because once we enter the next, we don’t get a do over.

    One of my favorite things to say is this: Satan’s greatest work is to get each of us into hell — the place that was created for him and not us — but if we are saved his next work is to make God out to be a liar to us… If we believe God doesn’t answer our prayers… we won’t ever see God answer prayer… God doesn’t work like we do. We can’t fathom his understanding or his works… but believe me, God is working in your life, Trey. And, you will see answers But, what does God have to work with? You are admitting to not believing in someone you want answers from? Or, are you deciding not to believe because God hasn’t done what you thought he should? Or your perception?

    In the sermon on the mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are those… on account of me…” Blessed are the poor in spirit… ” That word “Blessed” is Makarios in the Greek and it means

    Possessing the characteristic of deity. Indicates the state of the believer in
    Christ. He is indwelt by God because of Christ and as a result is fully satisfied.
    A blessed person is one whom God makes fully satisfied, not because of
    favored circumstances but because He indwells the believer through Christ.
    To be “makarios” blessed is equivalent to having God’s kingdom within our
    heart. Makarios is the one who is in the world, but independent of the world,
    his satisfaction comes from God, not favorable circumstances.

    Jesus told us to expect hard times; tribulation and trials. He encouraged us to not lose heart because even though we face a hard life here, he has overcome this world and because of that, we, too, overcome through him… and our “reward” is in the next life.

    I hope I have encouraged you some. That’s what I am trying to do. I’d hate to see you lose faith… and when I say that, I don’t mean organized religion… I mean a relationship with Jesus Christ, the one who died so you might live the abundant life in God.

  3. I’m with you brother – religion was invented as a means of controlling ignorant people. God is a construct invented to keep elitists in power and has NOTHING to do with faith or facts. Its power, plain and simple. The only Hell is the one we create for ourselves.
    good post

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