Spiritual Butterfly

“I don’t believe in anything…”

That’s the first thought that popped into my head this morning.

When I opened my eyes, before I even lifted my head from the pillow, “Pop”…there it was, like a billboard.

“Where the hell did that come from?” was my second thought, my first cognitive thought of the day.

The previous thought I have mentioned seemed to have been waiting for me to wake up…”Just add light” it seemed.

It was such a profound occurrence that I just laid there for a bit…perplexed. I looked at my watch, 5:15 am?

I had just slept 9 hrs straight.

 Uninterrupted.

I never sleep more than 4 hrs at a stretch.

Never.

And what didn’t I believe in anymore? The thought wasn’t specific in that point…just there.

I knew that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Boogeyman were all safe, but what wasn’t?

I sat up on my bed and swung my feet to the floor, bending over and running my hands through my hair like all sleepy people do.

With my fingers arranging the bed head I had been styling all night, looking at my toes, I saw my Bible at my feet.

Oh…that again.

Now I knew.

Let me add some insight to myself.

 I am big on signs.

The kind of sign like a raven at your window.

Tapping at my chamber door….

A four leaf clover in a cow-pie.

A shooting star during the day.

You get my point. This was a sign.

Yes, I am somewhat superstitious.

I don’t worry about walking under ladders, stepping on cracks or opening umbrellas in-doors but, I will wreck my vehicle to kill a black cat.

Sorry cat lovers, get a Tabby.

Now….my serious part. I am answering my own questions honestly as I write this.

Do I believe in God?

No, I don’t.

At least not like organized religion has created him.

Not anymore.

I don’t feel anything missing which is kind of sad really. That must mean there wasn’t anything there in the first place.

I don’t know what caused the change of heart exactly nor can I explain it really.

Did I ever really believe?

 I can’t honestly answer that now. I was RAISED as a Christian.

I’ve been baptized several times, in several different religions.

Always searching……

I have felt the spirit move in me, or was it relief at sharing my faults with others….getting them off my chest?

 I know people that live a ‘godly’ existence but I have never been “quiet” in my soul.

I was never ‘comfortable’ with it.

For me now, there are too many contradictions…nay, questions and dilemmas I cannot ignore.

I wish I could.

I believe the Bible to be an inspired text, by inspired men.

 The greatest book of songs, stories, poems, parables ever written.

Its teachings are the basis of the “Christian” world.

The Jewish faith holds the first 5 chapters of the Old Testament sacred.

I love listening to it on my audio book but I know that it was written and “edited” by men.

To this day, Christians STILL don’t have the complete “Bible” as it was supposed to have been written.

Men decided what we should see……What should be kept from the world.

Men have controlled its publication and distribution.

I am NOT a biblical scholar and I won’t get into semantics about it, but this I do know.

Men are flawed.

The translation of the Bible is flawed.

Everyone knows this, but they choose to ignore it. It is truly an inspired book, or so men claim, as do others for The Quran, the Torah, The Book of Mormon or Dianetics, etc.,.

Maybe that’s why religious people seem so happy all the time.

Ignorance is bliss you know….and I’m not happy.

You know what gets me? That anyone of a particular faith has an answer for just about every possible scenario other people throw at them on why their religion is wrong and theirs right.

“I never get an answer to my prayers”     “Keep praying, you will in GODS GOOD TIME”

This kills me!

Sadly….Differences of opinion in Religions is still killing others, at this very moment.

Killing over belief……Condemning someone else because they don’t believe like you do.

It makes me sick.

Here you go, let’s do this simile of sorts:

Next time I see someone eating a tomato I’m gonna kill the shit out of them!

I hate tomatoes, and don’t care for people that like them. I want them to be like me. I want them to live like me so that I won’t have to worry about getting any tomatoes in my food….

Judge not, that ye be not judged. Matthew 7:1. But you hardly ever hear the later part of the following verses…Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye. Matthew 7:5

How do we know our religions are right or the “true” religion?

Do you know how many religions there are on this planet…that we know of? People of faith say “The bible is unchanging and perfect”…What?!

The Bible is believed to have been written over, how many years ago and people think that nothing was lost in translation from language to language…church to church….mano e mano?

We can’t even translate known languages on our planet properly!

Even when we can understand one another, we still don’t ‘listen’ to each other.

Don’t get me wrong. I think people that have the ability to maintain their faith are incredible people. I truly envy them. They seem truly happy and satisfied in their beliefs.

I don’t have that anymore. I don’t want it.

I told a cousin of mine that now…my faith is like a chalk board that has been wiped bare by a hand. You can still see traces, but there is no content.

This is the first installment of exploring my…loss of faith?

I don’t think it is a loss of faith. I still have faith in many things.

This is awakening to the fact that I am experiencing a change in my life. A change that I see as a positive move towards acceptance of my life as mine.

 My being…as mine.

There is no Hell, no punishment.

This is the hell…..We only take our feelings with us when we go. Happiness….regret…..loneliness…..guilt…..fulfillment.

Heaven is reaching ones true potential and true happiness in this life.

Did you know that the when you translate the word ‘sin’ from ancient Greek or Latin (I can’t recall which right now for certain) That ‘sin’ translates into “Missing the mark”.

Remember….Language was created by man.

Don’t start in on the Tower of Babel….

Guilt and regret was created by man. I wasn’t born guilty but I LEARNED to be.

I wasn’t born regretful but I LEARNED to be.

I didn’t know what sin was until I was over 8 years old.

The way I look at it now………. If I wasn’t born with it, I don’t have it.

I was born with awareness.

Pleasure/Pain…Right/Wrong…Common sense…Concern about others. Basic instincts for protecting the weak.

I am not guilty for what my parents did or did not do. My kids are not guilty for what I’ve done.

Any description of God or the concept of a God, or what I believe a God to be, would never allow guilt or sins to be passed down generation to generation. That a 5^th generation grandson can be punished for something a 1^st generation ancestor did! Doesn’t that go against all the definitions of repentance, forgiveness, absolution or atonement that churches preach? It’s stupid to even consider it!

What is happening in the world today would never be allowed by a loving “God”. He would not stand for it.

 It never would have happened in the first place. He’s all knowing…right?

 If he’s there…then he has turned his face from us.

 I now believe…we have created this mess.

 Man has created this hell on earth.

Man created “God” to teach society morality, norms, mores’ and quite literally, control. And that was critical and necessary I believe.

If we had not had a “God”, we would have destroyed ourselves long ago. We still tried our best to do so, and are still endeavoring to complete the task.

Soon my brethren…soon.

But, who has the right “God”? Navajo’s…Mayans…Sikhs…Zulu…Holy Rollers…Witnesses?

There are beautiful things on this earth. I see them every day.

I believe in a “God” of my own understanding. One that creates all this beauty around me. One that celebrates my free agency to make my own decisions. One that knows I am a big, fat, dirty truck driver…and never asks which church I belong to or faith I follow.

Matter of fact…”God” has never actually spoken to me. But I hear “me” all the time.

“God” is in me. I do believe in that.

[Next week…Chapter 2: Why man won’t succeed]