My Wife Is Mean To Me


I woke up in a good mood again.

I noticed that my blankets were especially warm and snug this morning.

My pillows were soft, and the one that had fallen on the floor was nice and cool when I retrieved it and wrapped my arms around it, mashing my face into its sleep slobber stained SpongeBob pillow case.

The sun is rising here in New Orleans, spilling pink and yellow light into my truck sleeper berth.

That’s when I had an epiphany of sorts….

When the morning comes to those of us on the backside of forty years old, us men experience the wonders of elevated testosterone levels.

I woke up with a boner and an idea or two for some stories and corrections on my “other project”.

That’s when I got to thinking….

How come I seem to have more ideas in the morning just as I open my eyes?

How come “Mr.Wood” is also stalwart and has ideas of his own at the exact same time?

“Okay Honey, hurry….we have about 3 minutes!”

That’s the same with my story material.

It is why I keep my little jot pad beside me. When I wake up my brain automatically goes into “fervent’ mode and I start scribbling every little thing that pops into my head.

My wife accuses me of being aggravating in the morning because I, accidentally and with no prior forethought, fart under the blankets, stick my fingers in her nose or ear and wrap my body around her like spandex and smooch her on the eyeball….

Over and over and over…..

KinImageda like Chinese water torture she complains….

….cry baby.

Oh, I lick her on the face and stick my tongue in her nose too.

I don’t think that is aggravating at all…..I quite enjoy it.

She is not a morning person however but…..Mr.Wood is.

Very much so    ; )

Trying to get them to occupy the same point in space and time is not only impossible within the laws of physics, but she doesn’t buy the whole “But Honey, it hurts” routine anymore.

It worked when I was 25…..

I am sad to say that I am a victim of spousal abuse.

My wife tries to bite me, scratch me, kick me and push me out of bed when I am only showing her the deepest and fondest of affections and attention that only a loving, caring husband can show.

I try to remind her, as I wrap her in my tightest embrace under the covers with my unique aroma floating around in our blanket cave that I love her and want to be the best husband I can be.

It turns me on when she gets all….violent.


As I am sitting on top of her and massaging her ribs and belly with my fingers, trying to work the kinks out for her aged bones, she fights even harder and calls me bad names.

She even said something about my mother….

I don’t understand all the hostility.

I’m just trying to love on her.

Well, my dispatcher just told me to head back home, so I better go.

I called my wife and told her that the lust of her life was on his way home.

She said that gave her time to change the locks…..

I don’t get all this hate and discontent.

I don’t get it at all…..Literally.


p.s Don’t get mad honey, I’m just teasing.

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