She had been off the drugs for a few months.
It is one of those typical hiatuses from the realm of fucked up that all addicts take occasionally, like raising your head above the waterline and taking a breath, looking around to see if anyone is looking for you, worried….concerned, then sinking back into the abyss.
“I’ve got to stop for my kid’s”
I don’t want to get into all of the excuses that EVERY addict and alcoholic depends on.
It’s all bullshit anyway….
I can say this, because although I might not have reached the “addict” distinction that is usually associated with drugs or ‘alternative pursuits’ other than alcohol, I was “addicted” to alcohol. So I have experience and tenure in the University of Self Destruction, thus I can say anything I want about the subject of addiction or addicts.
I have decided that the only way to help an addict or alcoholic is to let them be…..
Seriously….You can intervene all you want to, but we ain’t changing shit until we want to.
Tears don’t mean nothing to us unless they’re our own, and they have to have lots of self pity in them.
This opinion may make some people mad and it may upset them.
But, the truth can be painful.
Addiction is a monster.
Addiction has many forms, and many terrible tales.
Do you know why people become addicts?
Because we are selfish.
We don’t give a shit about nobody but ourselves.
“Yes I do!” you shout!
No you don’t….
Face it. Truly Truly face it as a fact.
How can we do this if we cared about anything?
I don’t care if an addict says “I couldn’t help it, it runs in my family!”
“I was sexually abused!”
“I was physically abused”
What a crock of horse shit!
I used that crap all the time….
I used it because I had to give a reason for doing something that had no reason to be done.
I had to make excuses for un-excusable behavior.
Get mad when you read this my fellow addicts….I don’t give a shit.
I’m giving you some tough love right now.
I hope I make you fucking cry and whine about how terrible your life is and how out of control your life is and how much people don’t understand what you’re going through and blah blah de fucking dah!
I was the same way!
I probably am still that way in some things, but I recognize it now before I let it manifest itself in some embarrassing or painful situation.
Look at yourselves…..
Be honest….You are a selfish, self-absorbed, weak minded piece of shit!
Yeah! Go ahead and get angry! Throw something! Smash something!
Cry! Scream! “You don’t know shit about me!!!”
“You don’t understand how hard it is!”
“You don’t know me….!”
…..yes I do.
You are me. I am you. We suffer together.
Now dry your fucking eyes and shut up.
Listen to me….
I am sober now. You are not.
You are still fighting a battle against yourself.
I no longer have the desire to drink any more.
Oh yeah, I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t get cravings so bad it makes my hands shake, but I use fear to keep me from going back to that ‘life’, if you wanna call it that, fear and the knowledge that I will most certainly die if I do.
It knows me…..All too well it knows me.
Try this out:
Pretend that one day you leave everything that you have ever known behind….
Family, friends, social security number, career….everything.
You disappear somewhere on this earth, to never be heard of again.
A fresh new slate…. A clean getaway….
Will you still have “the need”?
Will you still drink or do dope?
Will you have a reason to continue as you did before?
Because it is yourself that you are afraid of. Not the world….
I want you to think about it….
Can you remember a day when you were sober and happy at the same time?
Can you remember a time when you knew people that were addicts or alcoholics and couldn’t understand why they did that to themselves?
Can you remember that when you were a child, that you dreamed one day that you would end up looking down at a needle in your arm, or wake up in a strange house with puke in your hair?
You have to stop now.
You are the true master of your destiny.
You must fight and dig and scratch to get your life back.
My sobriety is hard won…… But my fight goes on…..every freaking hour of every freaking day….
I feel your anguish in a life that you think that you deserve.
I feel your pain and anger towards the people or things that you believe drove you to it.
IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!
You…..don’t have to live like this.
You….don’t have to travel that road.
If you are an addict, it is because you wanted an escape from responsibility and reality.
It is because you are being selfish and want to hurt someone, yourself included.
You want to hurt, blame, make them feel your pain, make them feel bad for breaking your heart or making you lose your job, or when they touched your private parts when you were a kid….etc fucking etc….,
How does the quote go…? “Holding onto anger or blame is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
All that above shit happened to me, and I honestly don’t know if they were contributing factors to my….disease.
Is addiction and alcoholism really a disease?
I don’t think a disease is caused by the patient……
I believe that addiction and alcoholism is an illness of a sort.
More like similar symptoms to a weakness of the heart, mind and soul.
Insanity……? Most definitely.
Preventable…? Oh yeah.
Curable….? What’s to cure? You’re not sick.
You are un-finished.
You are still being created and formed to one day become the greatest person on this earth.
You are a work in progress….
An un-finished statue or painting
You are incomplete.
Quit being scared and trying to hide from yourself.
If you allow yourself to be shaped by life, be it by a cold chisel or smoothed by a gentle hand, be patient.
It will come.
See yourself as that proverbial lump of clay, a blank piece of marble….hard, black coal.
See the finished product….?
See it and you will believe it.
Just follow the signs…..
One of my nieces that has just relapsed from Meth:
Niece druggie: “I had a dream that Uncle Terry¹ and Grandpa² came to me and told me I had a long life ahead of me and that they didn’t want me to be there with them yet” “Then a little boy ran up to me….He was crying and holding onto my legs as if he didn’t want me to go anywhere or something”
Niece non-druggie: “Angels are among us….”
Authors note: That very night I had a dream myself about the druggie niece. I can’t remember the last time she had been in a dream of mine. In my dream I had seen her walk by me and she had a time bomb where her heart was supposed to be. She was ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan. It freaked me out so much that as soon as I woke up I jotted it down in my ‘idea pad’ to remember.My non-druggie niece, the druggie nieces older sister, texted me and told me not to tell anyone, then related the dream and the conversation.
I was dumbfounded and quite frankly freaked out….
I texted her back about my dream and the pic I took of my idea pad page I had made the note on.
……..Now, the druggie niece is in rehab. She checked in an hour ago for the 28 day stint.
It’s because she doesn’t believe in coincidences, but signs are another bag of fish.
I was 2000 miles away from her when we had our dreams on the same night……
¹ Uncle Terry killed himself last year. He suffered from depression and alcoholism. He left two children that he never reconciled with before his death.
² Grandapa did 7 years in the state penitentiary for child sexual abuse of his granddaughter and previous abuses against his own children in their youth. Grandpa died this year with one daughter present.
Get your life back from the one who is stealing it….
…..You are robbing you.
Good Luck from a fellow traveler….