This is where my life has come to…..
Vitamin packs for the “Over 50” crowd…
Sugar-free Chewable damn Omega 3 fish oil vitamins disguised as Starburst candy.
And the suck part is that THEY’RE FREAKING AWESOME!
I took a tour through the GNC here in Hammond, Louisiana.
The ‘young man’ that assisted me was great and very competent in his knowledge of the products.
He was very fit and handsome. I considered ‘doing him’ in the store room but he didn’t have no boobs.
I seem to be partial to boobs…
Damn, I’m almost 50.
I can’t believe that I will be half a century old this September, God willing and the creek don’t rise.
I am almost an old bastard….
I am almost a dirty old man….
I don’t care what y’all say, until I reach 50, I maintain that I am only extremely virile and highly interested in the pursuit of the female of ‘our’species’…..with boobs.
Other species tend to bite and scratch when approached with amorous intent.
I learned that in Tijuana…..at one of those….’shows’
Hey, I was young and needed the money!
FYI: Donkeys will bite the shit out of you….and they kick like a bitch.
I took samples of the ‘Total Lean 25’ shakes that they already had whipped up at the GNC. These are the meal replacements.
They are better than Slim-Fast and only have 3 grams of sugar per serving.
I am mad that my body has turned on me.
Why couldn’t it have done that when I was a freaking practicing alcoholic!?
Nooo, you can drink until you pass out with your stupid ass, but if you eat that damn Nestle’ Crunch bar you gonna die Nugga!
The banana flavored drink mix is awesome, but I am partial to Tarzan food.
Like a naked Jane or some domesticated monkey meat….
I am going to start taking the ‘Over 50″ Vita-Pack and my first shake tomorrow morning about the same time I will be craving scrambled eggs with salsa and mushrooms, bacon, sausage, home fries, 2 biscuits and a small bowl of oatmeal with raisins in it.
Then I am going to jump from my moving truck and kill myself.
I don’t want to do this. I want to be friends with my food. I want to eat anything I desire for the rest of my life.
The only problem is that if I do I won’t have much of a life left.
I am taking this route because I want a healthier lifestyle, plus I heard a motivational story from Gov. Schwarzenegger about his Mr. Olympia days, that “if you put junk in you will get junk out”
He said to use a car engine for example. If you put in bad fuel it will build up gunk on the pistons.
Now picture your body as an engine, your heart is the piston….Can you see the gunk on the fuel lines?
The Terminator spoke and I listened…..finally. After I have damaged the engine.
My engine knocks and rattles and has the occasional back fire, well….maybe more than a few, but it’s still running.
So, I need a tune-up and an over-haul.
I think I am supposed to get a colonoscopy when I turn 50….
I can’t wait.
I think I’ll show up drunk.
That way I can explain away going and getting my tookish reamed on purpose.
“I was drunk!”
It really works…
I will die from no Pepsi….
I am expecting monster headaches from depreciated caffeine levels in my brain and body.
My ‘plan’ is that after one month of the supplements and vitamins and rabbit food I will take off 4 more days and camp out in another motel room and “self-purify from toxins”
I don’t think I have to get into detail about that shit do I…..?
I wonder what the maids will think?
Take the caplets.
Trust me on this….
I will keep y’all informed on my progress.
But, I have an overwhelming urge to get back in bed and think about the heresy I am about to commit against my body. A body that has been shaped and tuned over many years to properly hold a sofa in place and bump old ladies out of the check out line.