I had plans to do something this weekend during my 4 days off.
But unfortunately I never got out of bed.
I mean, I went potty when I needed to but only if I was about to die.
I ate when I wanted to, but only if it was within arm’s reach, so I’ve lost a few pounds.
I didn’t even have the energy to dry off after a shower.
I barely made it to the bed where I slowly air dried.
For the record, air drying goes faster when you are asleep.
True laziness, in its most primitive form, should never be under-taken without proper training and years of intensive preparation, trial and error.
I am a tenth degree black belt in the art of Lazy.
I am Jedi in the force of non-force.
I can slip into a self-induced coma where the only thing that works on my body is my right thumb.
Here are some helpful hints if you would like to join me in the Nirvana of Inactivity.
1) Always make sure that the TV remote has fresh batteries and a back-up set in case the first run out after 48 hours. [keep within arm’s reach, on your dominant side or whichever is the easiest side you prefer to roll onto]
2) Place a 12 pack cooler of water or preferred beverage next to bed or sofa within arm’s reach. Make sure they are easy to open.
3) Compile all nutritional requirements within arm’s reach. You won’t need that much, because when you are in super low drive, you will not burn many calories. I haven’t figured out how many calories are consumed when my eyes blink. I figure the best way to get around this conundrum is to keep your eyes 40% open 60% closed.
5) Keep a cool ice bucket on table beside bed/sofa with a damp wash cloth within arm’s reach. This is for clearing spittle from corners of the mouth.
6) Keep some Visine within arm’s reach for obvious reasons.
7) I have not decided on adult diapers yet, because you will eventually have to get up and rejoin society. Plus it’s just nasty [shudder]
8) Don’t put everything you require on one side of the bed/sofa. Stagger it around on the bed/sofa, the floor around the bed/sofa within arm’s reach so that the blood in your body doesn’t settle to the low spots as in Livermortis, plus it helps prevent bed sores.
9) When you are forced to go to the bathroom, roll off the bed and crawl. It takes a minute or two to become acclimated to the altitude change when you have to stand up. Girls have the advantage in this.
10) Give yourself at least 8 hours minimum to prepare re-entry into life outside. If you try to return to society before your mind and body have been properly acclimatized to reality you will slip into the “fuck it” zone and not be able to move.
11) Try to plan this Lazy time for either a “Deadliest Catch “or “Dirty Jobs’ marathon on TV.
P.S It is hard to type in bed.
P.S I gotta pee….
P.S It’s so far…..