Flash Back

Spring is coming….

There will be the smell of BBQ, beef, beer and burning hair.

I never understood the necessity for eyebrows, arm hair below the elbow or chest hair anyway.

One thing I have noticed thru the years, during many of my BBQ’s that have been enhanced with beer of the drinkable persuasion, is that my facial hair is highly combustible.

Here’s how it happens:

You soak the charcoal with lighter fluid, because you know from your many years of experience that the brands of charcoal that brag about being lighter fluid free is a BUNCHA BULLSHIT!

Each soaking takes a minimum of half the lighter fluid container.

Then you drink beer and wait for it to soak in good.

Then you get drunk on the beer, forget about the first application of lighter fluid or decide that two soakings are better than one.

Then…..you light it.

The first initial blast of flame hits your belt line, making you thrust your hips back to protect your “Johnson”, causing your chest and head to lean closer to the grill…..

Cause and effect….

The flames race up across your beer can and knuckle hair, curling them up like little balls of fuzz….

The burning knuckle hair smell hits you as the flames pass across the backs of your hands and wrist and start up your arm….

This causes your nostrils to flare wider and your eye brows to bunch up, and your face to make the “Oh that shit stinks and my face is gonna burn off face”

Kinda like pushing all the kindling into a neat pile before lighting a camp fire.

Fuel….

The inferno rolls up your arms, frying the hair like soldiers in an old timey nuclear blast video.

Then it goes thru your shirt, if you’re wearing one, without burning the shirt mind you, and burns all your belly hair off.

Remember, you’re sucking in super heated air this whole time because you’re preparing to scream….or holler “Oh shit!”or “Aarrgghh!” or “911!”

You throw your arms wide in reflex to escape the fire.

Tiny charred hand and arm hairs floating away like little stinky smoky butterflies….

The blue flame trailing from your Timex is so pretty, with its little arc of melting rubber.

You throw your head back in a hearty Viking gasp as the fire rolls up your chest, baking your nipples just right.

The rolling wall of flame, fueled by all this extra stuff, flashes over your face, taking facial hair and eyebrows with it, and maybe a few bangs of hair too, unless you’re a balding old bastard like me.

Poof!

Just that quick….!

After the wall of flaming death has dissipated, if you were lucky, someone promptly stomped out the fire covering your body while you rolled around on the grass.

And you never spilled your beer…..

A true professional BBQ’n grill lighting person.

You know the risks and you do it anyway, because you’re the only one who knows how to get the perfect grill fire going.

You get off the ground, accept the slaps on the back for bravery and admiration, and brush all the curly burnt hairs from your head, face and arms.

Ahhh….the smell of burnt hair.

Gives the whole grilling ceremony true meaning.

Then….you look at the grill and decide it needs more lighter fluid….The fire looks like it’s about to die…..

“Get me another beer and watch this shit!”