Me and Jesus broke up a few months ago….
It was a tumultuous relationship at best, mostly on my part.
It seems that I am needy, and kind of a bitch.
Jesus never called me that to my face, but I could see it in his eyes when I would start on one of my “But you promised’ rants.
He’s been very patient with me and has tolerated my little outbursts now and then.
Even after I dumped him and told him that I didn’t believe anything he had ever told me and that I doubted that he had ever even loved me.
I said that all of those Facebook meme’s that he keeps posting on my page is just a poor attempt to stay all up in my business.
I told him that I didn’t appreciate him using his position as the “Son of God’ to influence my friends into subconsciously posting all that crap.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I asked
“I don’t wanna” he said.
“That’s not a very mature reason” I said.
“Deal with it!” he popped off.
I felt like punching him in the eyeball, but it just doesn’t seem right to give Jesus a black-eye, lord knows I’ve tried. (Pardon my pun)
“It’s over, we have nothing in common” says I.
“What do you mean?” he said “You love Jethro Tull, I love Jethro Tull.”
“Everybody loves Sabbath” He said. “I…Am…Iron-Man….” He starts to sing, then stops and grins that grin.
“God you’re annoying sometimes” I said. (There’s that damn pun again)
“You know you love me…” he says, like he’s all that.
“So…….I love bacon too, but I can live without it……for a while.” I said.
Real mature….I know.
“Let me put it this way, so you can understand me there Big Dawg….” He says
“I am like your Granny’s refrigerator……you may leave for a while and not come visit me for some time but when you do, there is always something here for you and you don’t even have to ask”
Why did that make sense to me….?
“You’re using my starvation on this diet against me, talking about refrigerators!” I surmised.
“I do what I have to, to get your attention” He put a hand on my shoulder….
I shrugged my shoulder and brushed his hand away.
“What about all those years I was drunk, losing my kids, all that abuse I got when I was just a kid!’
I was getting mad again….Not mad maybe…..Betrayed…?
“I was there” he said
“Well….” I said “I never saw you, I never heard anything, I didn’t get no miracle saving me”
I was being petulant now. I wanted to hurt him…. I wanted to break his heart.
He just stood there looking at me, his hands in his pockets….waiting for me to finish I guess.
“You never went far” he said quietly after I had stood there for a minute staring at my shoes.
When I didn’t say anything to this, Jesus said “Everyone on this world has to walk their own path, everyone on this world has to make their own way and find out what is most important to them, to know that there is more to life than suffering and pain.”
“I didn’t want to walk that particular path” I replied, a little snide jab.
“Neither did I….” he said. “But I did.”
He had a good point.
I couldn’t argue with that. I wanted too……but I couldn’t.
I only had to bear a cross, not hang from one.
“Okay…I’m sorry, forgive me for being such an asshole” I said.
I held out my hand.
He took my hand and pulled me into a bear hug with a hard pat on the back.
I hugged him back, a little tentatively at first, and then I gave him a good hug.
“You are an asshole…..I have to admit that” Jesus said to me with that grin and look that always follows you around a room when you walk by one of his paintings.
“But that’s one of the reasons I dig you baby!” He said.
“Let’s go get a Starbucks” I offered.
“Starbucks is of the devil” Jesus said.
“I couldn’t agree more” I said.
“But….” He added with a wink “I do love me a Peppermint Mocha”
“You have to put on some shoes, they won’t serve us if you ain’t got no shoe’s on” I said, looking at his feet.
Man those nail holes freak me out sometimes.
Jesus looked down at his feet, wiggled his toes and said “They won’t serve ugly people either, but I’m going with you.”
Funny…..I thought. A million comedians are out of work and I get this guy.
But not to be out-done, and feeling better about hanging out with my old buddy again, I couldn’t help it….
He was waiting for me to say something, he knew that I was an asshole….that much he had admitted to, but he also knew that I am a smart ass….
He knows me so well….
I hate that sometimes.
I said “At least I don’t look like a hippie…. you need a hair-cut”
He put his arm around my shoulder, grinned that grin and said in a deep mocking baritone voice;
“Walk with me”
Then we both bust out laughing.
He gave me a quick rabbit punch in the stomach, and shouted “Race ‘ya!”
He took off running towards the Starbucks, still barefoot.
I hollered “You run like a girl!”
Jesus flipped me the bird over his left shoulder, never breaking stride.
I smiled and took off after him.
He was holding the door open for me when I caught up to him, that grin again.
“Don’t say it” I panted.
In his terrible baritone voice he said “Knock and it shall be opened…’ he smiled bigger.
Some people’s kids I thought…. “You first” I said with a deep courtly bow.
“Right behind you” he said.
Now I understand…..
Now I get it….