I turned on some music to start my day
I realized I haven’t hooked up my XM satellite yet
And I became angry……
I needed some coffee.
I wanted some Intense Energy Colombian Sumatran with a dash of Hawaiian coffee, 32 packets of artificial sweetener, a squirt of French Vanilla and 4 serving thingees of Hazelnut creamer stuff.
The only thing standing in my way was 50 yards of big rig parking lot, a Wendy’s drive thru, 20 more yards of 4 wheeler parking lot, a front door and morning people….
Still in my Zombie mode, I proceed to the truck stop store.
[Zombie walking in your mind’s eye]
I got half way across the big rig lot, said a dirty word that would make my granny get religion, turned around…..went back to my truck to get my wallet and mug.
I got my mug.
I looked for my wallet for 10 minutes.
There was no telling where I put the damn thing.
I have just moved into my new truck and my stuff is still scattered and unorganized to my specification, superstitions and/or just wanting to know where my shit is….
My wallet was in my front pants pocket…..The ones I was wearing.
I don’t want to talk about that.
I got back out of my truck, and patted myself down to make sure I had everything….
Ear infection: Check
Son of a bitch!
I got the mug and made it thru the rain puddles, fuel spills and parking lots with no injury.
Have you ever noticed that when the wind blows into your ear while it’s infected it sounds like a sea shell with Tourettes?
I am fully aware that when I walk into a public place at 4 am that I tend to catch some people by surprise.
My hair is poking up, I am wearing my lucky BYU nite nite shirt, my lime green sweat pants (eat me) and my Navajo trading post water-proof moccasins that don’t really water-proof…..But they’re comfy and they look cool….
Besides the fact I don’t have to tie them…..
I think they’re girl moccasins now that I look at them closer….
Anyways….as I said, they’re comfy….and I like the beads.
As I said….eat me.
I mosey up to the coffee making area and begin the mixing of my desired ingredients for the ultimate Java download with extreme prejudice…
It’s all muscle memory….
I raise the mug to my lips….
“Good morning” says the truck stop barista woman.
The mug stops…..
My right eye twitches like Clint Eastwood in that one movie….
I lower the mug back onto the counter and said “What did you say?”
“How are you this morning?’ she says with a smile.
“Too early to tell” says I, looking around to see if anyone is watching us.
“I hear that!” she laughs.
She doesn’t know that I hate laughing in the morning before coffee.
But…..it is what it is.
She must die…..All morning happy people must die…..
HAIII KARATEE CHOP!!!
With the speed of a mongoose on steroids I karate chop her in the throat.
I head butt her in the face at the same time I kick her in the balls…
She reels from my violent onslaught, a silent scream trapped in her crushed windpipe
As her laughing ass head flies thru the air I give it a soccer style bicycle kick, sending it spinning and twirling, bending it like Beckham into the trash can by the coffee bar.
I whip out my 44 magnum revolver with the 7” barrel, the most powerful handgun in the world according to Clint Eastwood in that one movie, and start pumping rounds into the trash can!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
I begin to reload….
I take a sip from my mug.
“Good morning” says I.
That was weird….