I was trying to drag up the memories and the feelings of those wasted years. I wanted to share my pain with you, I wanted to express the horror and anguish that my alcoholism, and myself, caused me.
But I can’t….
It’s not the point of not being able to remember those years.
It’s not the point of not wanting to share….
I just can’t do it.
I’m not in denial.
I know what happened.
I was there….for the most part, at least in a somewhat physical form.
I don’t play that silly game of “If I act like it never happened then it didn’t.”
But I’ve changed things….
I don’t think about it anymore, at least not in a depressive way.
It happened…..And I’m not stupid enough to think that because I have been sober for so long that I am safe from ever stumbling down that path again, God forbid.
It just doesn’t come up anymore.
I have no cravings, I have no desire to drink and I just don’t want to.
I’m in a good way right now.
I lost a lot of stuff and peoples respect because of my short-comings.
I can’t blame it all on alcoholism. The beer and liquor didn’t pour itself into my face.
I had to fix me, or at least know what was broken.
It took me a long time to realize, and come to grips with the fact that it was me that was broken.
It is a character flaw, pure and simple.
It doesn’t help matters, that by nature, I am extremely naïve and immature for my age….any age really.
But I am what I am, I work on me every day, trying to get myself to a place where I feel good about myself and quit dragging around self-pity and regret like an old dog blanket.
I am human.
I have made mistakes.
It took me a while….but I am learning.
Just like else everyone in the world…..
Like I said, I made mistakes, and the guilt that I heaped upon myself all those years showed that at least I was still capable of some type of remorse for my actions somewhere, no matter how little.
It was there….
I was powerless against me, not the alcohol or drugs.
I was my own real life worst enemy, not the alcohol or drugs.
I had to admit to myself that it was “I” that was the problem.
Then, I grew up one day.
I got tired of being a drunken asshole.
I got tired of looking for AA meetings.
I got tired of feeling like shit and apologizing for things that were well within my control to avoid.
It was all in my head.
So, I changed my way of thinking.
But, it is a lot easier to destroy than to build.
It takes a lot longer to rebuild your life when there is that lingering doubt and shadow over your shoulder that keeps telling you that you will fail, that you will give up like you always have, that there is no reason for me to keep trying.
Trust can never be restored…EVER.
If you think it can, you are delusional and unrealistic.
It’s a sad fact….
But people are people, it’s not their fault.
It’s my fault….and I don’t blame them one bit.
Yeah, it’s frustrating as hell that no one will believe when you testify that you are really gonna do it this time! As a rational, or trying to be rational human being, you’ve got to expect it and ACCEPT IT when they are tentative in their endorsements of your new attitudes and attempts…..
I wish I had a dollar for every time I said that….”I mean it this time”
They will honestly be glad, even convinced that you are doing your best to change, that you have come a long way since….then.
They love you, they have supported you, sure….you let them down more times than one…..but,
…..They hide the booze, the prescription drugs and sometimes won’t even let you spend the night in their house.
It will get better, at least the trust part will.
It will never, ever regain the former level before “pre-asshole”.
I miss it the most I think.
That’s one of the hardest things for an alcoholic and addict to have to face….
Not being able to blame others for their problems anymore.
That’s our thing baby!
It’s not us….”They made me do it!”
“If they showed me more respect!”
“If they only loved me or cared more!”
“If only they’d quit calling me a drunk sumbitch!”
La dee fucking da!
I was such an asshole…..
I mean, I’m a good person. I would give the shirt off of my back……I cared about stuff……
But….I was still an asshole.
I’m not anymore.
Well, I’m still an aggravating asshole, but in the good way now.
Try this on….
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are going through things that you don’t have the tools or where with all to get your shit together.
No one can talk to you or tell you that you’re fucking up because the only ones you listen to are in your freaking mind and they like to hog up all the air time.
You are human….
You will fuck up….
You will do stupid shit….
The trick is to recognize it.
How can I see when life is too ugly to look upon?
Chicken Cordon Bleu is ugly, and I love that crap.
See…? Yeah, I know the comparison may be a little weird, but hey! That’s how we roll during the asshole times.
Weird is who we are.
You don’t have to prove to people that you are “really gonna do it this time”
Focus on yourself…..If you forgive yourself, people will see the difference and respond positively.
It won’t be as great as it was, but it’s better than nothing…..or being dead.
When you decide to make the effort to change your life, remember that it is about you first….THEN family.
Like my Dad always said “There’s only one ass the mortician stuffs with cotton when you die. That’s the one to worry about son”.
No one really wants to be alone.
We all want butterflies, static free clothes and free pizza!
I didn’t want to wake up in a dumpster.
I didn’t want to get a catheter shoved up my pecker…
I didn’t want to wake up in a ditch not knowing where in the hell I was now!
You know what I wanna do with the rest of my life?
I want to sit in a mud puddle and make mud pies….everyone knows that about me.
I want to stop my semi-truck in the middle of Kansas somewhere, walk out into the prairie where I can’t see anything but waves of amber grain and the sky.
I’m not gonna ask him “Why?”
I’m gonna say “Thanks dude” and listen to the breeze.
I want to stand in a mountain stream in Montana, freezing off my freaking feet and talk to God again…
I’m not gonna ask “Will they ever forgive me?”
I’m gonna say “Thanks dude” and chase the fish.
I want to help someone….anyone…..That needs a friend to talk to.
They can talk to me if they are mad at life or God.
I’ll talk to God for them if they’re not on speaking terms.
“Thanks for listening dude” I’ll say again, then I’m gonna help best I can, if I can, and if you’ll listen.
I don’t understand….?
I can’t possibly know what you’re going thru…?
If you are in mental, physical or spiritual pain……
I know pain.
But it’s not all I know….
You know what…?
Go do something silly, something totally unlike you, as you are now.
Here’s an idea….
Go sit in a swing.
You don’t have to even swing.
Take a Popsicle with you.
When you are sitting there, or swinging a little, licking the melting Popsicle off your hand and fingers, your toes dragging thru the sand or dirt just beneath the swing, where thousands of others have been before you and think to yourself….
“Dang this popsicle is good”
That’s the secret of life….
A swing set…..
Realizing that you are in a place where many people have been before you…..
In the same exact spot doing the exact same thing.
And they walked away…..
It is really, once you think about it.
It may take a while; it may take years for you to face yourself and the demons in your mind.
And you know what…?
I did. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t overnight…..
But one thing I know for sure….
The place I am now…..?
It just keeps getting better all the time.
We might just make it after all…..