Out Of Date?

I’m feeling a little bit silly and tired. I drove another 640 miles today, so bear with me.

New Mexico and Arizona are kinda boring….

I’m so tired I think my pecker just fell off….

Okay, now that THAT is out of the way and before I pass out from exhaustion, I know that I must fulfill your daily need for my wisdom and insights.

Let us begin…..

You know what the beauty part about being ME is?

Any criticism….any insult…any well intentioned or unwarranted advice….anything…,Can be turned to the positive in my own mind.

Well, maybe not the positive so to say.

The CONVINCED….!

 Just reassuring myself that some people can’t see the beauty in me that I do and that they THEN might misinterpret it as a fault I may or may not have…is taxing sometimes.

Silly people…..

They just don’t know….and I can’t fault them for that.

They don’t exist on the same conscious level that I do, nor appreciate the burden, nay the right I have to lord it over them to my own advantage.

You may say that I am full of crap.

I beg to differ.

You show me ONE time that I did not fail to succeed in convincing myself that I am a gift from God and here for a reason.

The reason you ask?

Okay…just this one time.

I won’t tell you again, because this moment….this very moment…should be engraved across your heart and branded to your soul.

A once in a lifetime event…

Pay attention because I have so little time for mere mortals these days….

The reason is…

I am insane.

Hold on a damn minute!

Yes, I know….insane tends to have a negative connotation associated with it, but that’s only the people whom have no concept of what real insanity entails within its full spectrums and definitions.

First….who says insanity is a bad thing?

Some psychiatrists…?

“Pfffttt!”

Second….who defined normal?   What IS normal?  

Third…who decided what handsome is…what sexy is…what gifted is…what life SHOULD be?

You know who decided all this?

Whitey…that’s right….honkies….crackers….

I know…you say I am a white man myself. I beg to differ.

I am more like…egg shell white

Even though I was born a poor black child with an Asian mother and an Eskimo father in the bayous of Mississippi I knew that I was special and that I had to be wary of Whitey.

My dad told me they found me by some railroad tracks eating spiders….

As I grew older and came to grips with the fact that Whitey was trying to keep me down, I began to rebel and cast off the chains that the honky man was trying to burden me with.

Then, when God came down and told me I was awesome, I not only realized that I was being discriminated against by Whitey, but by Darkies…Chinesezs…Canadiansez…Seventh Day Adventistsez and so on.

I expected this…..

God told me that people would not understand me.

He told me that I must remain aloof of the peasantry and try to be patient with them due to the fact that NOTHING like me had ever came along  before….except Jesus….

He’s a whole ‘nether ball of wax.

It was a cross that I had to bear [Note: Send royalty check to Jesus]

Everything went great as I continued to grow older.

I was handsome, smart, witty, humble, handsome and smart.

Everything that a young narcissists would want to be…

Until this morning….

I couldn’t find my keys again.

I know I just had them.

For hell sakes, I’m in a semi-truck that has about 10 square feet in the living part (meaning where I can put my shoes on) and I’ve lost my dang keys.

I went thru the same rituals that I have several times. I tore apart the inside of my truck, I overturned my mattress, I even looked in my pants pockets because I know some of you regular readers of my posts are thinking that right now….They’re in his pocket!

Noo (smart asses) They’re not in my pockets.

They were inside my refrigerator.

I don’t know how they got there, because I don’t remember going into a fridge that I had forgot I had.

Maybe that’s where the smell is coming from….

That’s when I started to question God and his statements he made to me, oh soo long ago.

I asked “God…why doth thou tormenteth me soeth?”

No answer….

You have to talk Biblical to God.

I asked “God…whometh betrayeth meyeth by hidingeth my keyseth?”

No answer….

I asked “Godeth….where for art thoueth in yonder holler?”

Romeo sayeth “Here I is!” then…. (sorry about that….)

“I’m busy right now” God said

“Too busy for me…?” I replied “WTF!?”

Well, I thought it….You don’t talk ugly to God.

Only when playing darts or bowling….he understands that…..

“I have no time for a unit out of warranty, especially a high end defective unit” God said…then I heard a click….some elevator music…

I was redirected to a voicemail prompt.

I hung up the God phone in my head.

“Out of warranty…?” I thought to myself.

Then, I remembereth!

I jerked the tag outta my butt and read this:

“30 year warranty, with NORMAL usage!”

 Oh shit!

I’ve been out of warranty for 19 freaking years!?

Are you telling me…that I could have turned in all this sagging, broken ass shit 19 years ago, and got a whole new thingee!?

I was beside myself….so I turned and beat the shit out of him.

I was so mad this morning about this heavenly snub that I almost decided to join the other team.

I called Satan…

[Funky Town music] click…”Jase?” (Accent…groovy)

“Yes, I’d like to speak to Satan please”

“In reference to what?” asked the Minion

“I’m mad at God for not fulfilling his end of the bargain and forgetting to inform me that I was no longer under warranty, I wanna tour your facilities and speak with someone about joining your team”

“I’m sorry sir, but we no longer accept anything made before 1972, please wait for transfer”

“Wait!” 

Click…click… [Funky Cold Medina music] …click

“Sunnyside Nursing Home” said a nice voice.

I hung up my Satan phone.

Cast out!        Shunned!         Forsaken!

That’s it! I no longer recognize the aforementioned deities!

I will enwrap myself in my narcissistic wonderland and never come out…!

Except to pee….

And blog……