Yes, I am writing about our world again.
It seems like that the closer I get to being 50 years old (sigh) the more I think about my morality, not my mortality, although the latter does flit thru my mind occasionally….say, every 15 seconds or so.
No, I’m not worried about my place in Heaven or attaining Nirvana.
I have a hard time accepting either destination due to the fact that it is by men’s interpretation alone that I even know about them.
God has never told me.
Buddha has a great insight, but has never told me.
Prayer has never truly calmed me.
I have never actually heard a still small voice, discounting my own conscience or guilt.
But, one day……I hope, that I will find out for sure, at least enough to convince me.
I think I’ll just concentrate on being a good person.
Let’s just get it out there before I start into my hypocritical racist rant….
I don’t want to die.
I want to live forever.
I fear death and the unknown.
Can I fathom the possibility that my consciousness may be truly eternal?
Is there a chance that an atoms existence is an infinitesimally indefinable conscious mote?
Is it conceivable that consciousness is really the elusive ‘ether’ that holds the universe as we know it together, the ‘dark matter’?
I’ll have to look up universal consciousness and see if it jives with my interpretation.
I wear my faults and short-comings on my sleeve and shoulders, unafraid about letting others know that I am not perfect, far from it.
I honestly have nothing to hide anymore….
Truth WILL set you free, even if it’s bad truth.
If you ask me, I will tell you.
You might not want to hear my answer or opinion but I am a big softie and I will smooth it out the best I can because I hate to hurt people’s feelings, even if I don’t like them that much and would rather kick them in the balls or punch’em in the boob.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a racist.
I don’t know why I am.
I have no earthly idea….
The more that I think about it, and trust me I do, I believe that I am rooted in racism by my upbringing and the region I was raised as a child.
It’s not my fault.
Someone else started racism and intolerance.
There is NEVER a group idea.
All ideas start with a single person:
“Hey guys! That caveman over there is different from us, let’s hate him and throw rocks at him!”
“Okay!” they all say.
Get my point?
But, in all honesty, I think I am a situational racist.
I have always told people that the world’s best advice comes from the world’s worst hypocrites.
It may not be true in a lot of cases, but it’s true in many…..
Think about that for a little while.
I don’t want to be a racist, I hate hypocrites….
“There are no Negro problems, or Polish problems, or Jewish problems, or Greek problems, or women’s problems, there are HUMAN PROBLEMS”.
How do we overcome this?
You do what I try to do every minute of everyday…..
Work at it.
Like I said before, my racism is situational and self-serving….I realize that now.
This is what’s so stupid….
I’m shaking my head just thinking about it…
A) I get mad when I see interracial couples (A white woman/man with any non-white or non-American male/female)
I will tell you what goes thru the mind of a racist first, then how a maturing man combats his very thoughts and hypocrisies….
I really don’t think it’s because of any inadequacy that I have as a man.
What I don’t understand is why the bitterness and disgust is the first thing that pops into my head!
I don’t know these people.
I don’t know their story.
I actually have told many people that the reason I hate interracial couplings, as stated within the parameters from above, is that the world, in present day, is difficult for the children of said union.
They are derided, bullied, not accepted by their parent’s race as a ‘true’ member of either ‘clan’.
That was MY opinion…..my ‘justification’.
What a crock of shit….
I can’t accept the fact that some people never ever have the same thoughts as me….that most people probably never even notice that the two people are of different creeds or if it even matters at all.
I don’t know the first damn thing about them, but I despise them….for about 30 seconds, then I talk myself down and get over the disgust in my own reactions.
I have no idea why it even happens?
Why doesn’t “Man, that’s a good looking couple” come to mind first instead of “What, you can’t find a [Add Race Here] guy/gal, you gotta make some kind of a statement?”
I’m just being honest.
I hate the fact that I am imperfect in this way!
I have friends that are black, Mexican, Korean, Chinese, Polynesian, Somalian, Ukranian….etc.,
I’m a dang American!
I’m supposed to have friends of all races, religions and backgrounds.
It’s a melting pot, remember.
That’s what this country is ‘supposed’ to be all about!
If we wanna get down to it, we are all illegal immigrants here.
The Native Americans were here before us, and I’m sure they didn’t hate the white people when they first showed up, but they learned.
They just want their land back.
Be patient my Native American brethren, its coming.
“I can’t marry you my love”
“Why not my dear?”
“Because my dad says you’re a dirty Catholic”
“Ohhh…I understand Jacob Horowitz my love, my dad says you’re a Jew bastard”
“I can’t play with you anymore Tommy”
“Why not Billy?”
“Because you’re a nigger silly”
“Ohhh…I understand Milosz Kozlowski, my dad says you’re family is a bunch of stupid ass poe-locks”
“What’s a nigger anyway Tommy?” Tommy shrugs “I don’t know, I’m sorry you a poe-lock though”
Billy frowns “Me too….Let’s go play!”
It’s a learned behavior, it MUST BE TAUGHT TO PROPOGATE!
We learn to go along to get along.
One must not be different from the rest of the herd that feeds and protects us.
I accept who I am….flawed and doughy.
There are things about me that I still don’t like, things I want to change.
So why am I a racist then?
I don’t know….
Should I blame it on my parents?
Should I blame it on Mississippi and Georgia?
Should I blame it on that dirty Dago sailor from Spain?
I’ve got to blame someone……. it’s not natural to be a racist bastard.
I won’t be too hard on myself though because I know that I make a true conscious effort to not be this way.
I’ve always known it was wrong.
“In my defense….I am just a man, don’t fault me for that”
Like I said, even as a kid I didn’t understand why my dad didn’t like little niggers in his front yard, but it seemed stupid that I couldn’t have anyone my own age to play with.
I wouldn’t have given a shit if they were polka dotted with feathers in their asses if they could have played robbers or explored the woods with me.
But, they were niggers and that’s the only reason I got.
I wish I had grown up on a deserted island sometimes and my only problem had been a sun burn.
My saving grace is that I want to be a better man….that I KNOW none of our descendants will prosper or enjoy their time in and of this world if we don’t figure out something real damn soon.
Dear World “leaders”,
We are the same species you bunch of dumb bastards, quit using our differences against us! I know some of us just talk funny BUT that’s what Rosetta Stone is for!
“Population control is dependent upon education. We feel, an educated population needs no control.” Jacque Fresco
Okay….That’s enough for now.
I’m going to go in the truck stop and do a 30 minute session in the massage recliner and reflect on my thoughts and become one with the chair.
Have a great weekend.
I will never accept Mexicans working in a Chinese restaurant…