Rotten Apple

They’re trying to kill me….apple

That’s all there is to it.

As a long haul truck driver I consider myself somewhat a reasonable man with some good sense and a penchant for not putting myself intentionally in harm’s way.

I’m funny that way…..Something about death distresses me.

Like many other truckers I know from around the country, we have one thing in common:

We do not come to New York City.

We do not go to Queens….We do not go to the Bronx….We do not go to Brooklyn….We do not go to Manhattan and we sure as hell don’t go to Long Island.

It is a very sad state of affairs when I jump at the chance to go to Hackensack instead of the Big Apple.

My company offers $100 extra for any driver that will brave the hordes of traffic maniacs NYC.

It is not worth it.

I just sent a message to my company that I will never ever return to NYC.

If they even ask me to go I will quit first.

I will pack my shit and abandon their truck on the BQE or some other fucked up NYC street….Maybe Flatbush.

There are people in NYC that have never driven anywhere else other than their city.

They do not understand the concept for consideration of other drivers or courtesy, or of the fact that an 18 wheeler will kill their dumb-asses.

They seem to become mesmerized by a turn signal.

A turn signal flashes, their foot presses down on the accelerator.

“OMG!” I’ve got to hurry up and get around this guy…..he might slow me down and make me 20 seconds late for the rest of my miserable goat sucking ass life!”

Brake lights are a stimulant…it turns them on.

“Go into the light Carol Ann…”

I wish I had a sack of ball bearings.

Next time one of them NYC a-holes start to come around me and cut me off when I am trying to change lanes I am gonna just chuck a handful of ball bearings out the window and see how they like that shit!

Maybe a paint-ball gun filled with bird shit…..

No that wouldn’t work….too many freaking pigeons.

I wouldn’t be able to get my point across.

I’m sure there are some nice motorists here.

I’ve never seen any, but I’m sure they exist.

National Geographic should start hunting them.

I don’t believe anything until Nat Geo takes a picture of it.

There’s just too many people here.downloadtrafficnyc

It’s a freaking island people!

There is a whole country to the west of you!

I have a book to prove it. It’s called an “ATLAS”

We have pizza, hot dogs, tacos, pollution, suck-ass baseball teams, corruption, bad roads and assholes on this side too!

It’d be just like home!

I hate having so much violence in my heart toward my fellow NYC Americans and illegal aliens that sit behind the wheel of a vehicle. (Notice that I did not say “DRIVE”)

I know I should love the poor asshole residents of Gotham.

But Buddha never drove in NYC so fuck him!

Jesus wouldn’t drive in NYC. He would have lost his religion.

I know for a fact that if he had driven thru NYC he would have taken his father’s name in vain….Several times and with much malice.

If I had to live here and drive a local delivery truck I’d be a raging alcoholic then kill myself.

Why do all of you people want to live here so close together?

The roads suck….The tolls suck….the traffic sucks….

I don’t see any reason to stay here except for the fact that you are all insane.

Why oh why would you want to drive in this town every day?

Why oh why would you ride on subways, taxi nazi cars and buses all day for years!?

I don’t understand….

“Why won’t you go to NYC Trey?”

“They try to kill me every time, that’s why”

Y’all pack up y’alls shit and move to Kansas or the Dakotas or Arizona or somewhere….

We got lots of room, lot’s of fresh air and good baseball and football teams.

We have this stuff called grass that’s really cool to look at and walk in.

It’s green….cropped-imagine.jpg

We have trees that don’t require being grown in buckets first.

We don’t have a Central Park….

We have what’s called “woods” “forest” “desert” “plains” “mountains”.

We don’t have rats that eat the homeless and babies.

What you spend on a month’s rent in most places in NYC you could buy a house and some land out here that you could actually keep for the rest of your life!

Your closest neighbor could be more than 400 feet away!

Never mind….

I just thought of something.

We don’t want New Yorkers out here where we are.

It’s nice here….quiet.

Poor poor lost souls of Gotham….

Repent of your driving sins and traffic inadequacies!

One day while driving across the George Washington Bridge that costs 5 million dollars to cross….. I will snap!

There’s only so many times a man can have his life threatened and not retaliate in kind.

New York drivers….You are a menace to society.

The President should declare you a disaster area.

The Navy Seals should be sent in and establish a perimeter.

The Strategic Air Command should carpet bomb you daily with tactical nuclear weapons and napalm.downloadbombers

I think you should be re-tested and re-evaluated for a driver’s license every 6 months.

I believe that this process should also require a psychological exam and screening for pathological traits.

That would eliminate maybe 80% of you crazy people.

Please quit trying to kill me.

Please quit trying to wreck my truck.

I promise that if you let me out of here alive today I will NEVER EVER come back!

Just give me one more chance….

I bought a NYC tee shirt and a state spoon for my collection, so I have everything I need to remember my visits here.

I hope that eventually the trauma I have experienced will block the rest of the memories.

Lord I hope so…

Where’s amnesia when a guy really needs it?

I pray for it….

I pray for you, you poor sunzabitches….downloadpraying

I promise I’ll never come back…

I just wanna live and see my grandbabys one day.

9 thoughts on “Rotten Apple”

  1. Oh, Trey, you exaggerate. But only a little bit.

    And you forgot to mention the potholes.

    You have described why I left Long Island to go to college in 1975 and have been a pretty happy guy every since.

    Have a good day in whatever other part of the country you may be today.

  2. Ah, you missed the gut-wrenching experience of riding in a NY taxi. They are an independent lot. One day, driving cross town in a taxi and coming to a screeching halt at a stop sign, my driver decided to get out of the taxi and run across the street. There I sat, debating how to best handle the situation if the light turned green, when he suddenly re-appeared with an explanation: “After I drop you off, I’m going to eat my lunch, but I need a spoon and thought the diner across the street might have a plastic one I could get, but they didn’t” Off we went again, to play “how close can I come to that other car without scraping off its paint” and I said, “Why don’t you go to the park and use a twig off a tree to eat with?” He turned to look at me, barely missing a pedestrian who was jay walking(as all NY pedestrians do), and said, “Good idea! I’ll do that.”

  3. Never been, never want to go, and if I won a trip there I would sell it. If you know anything about Central Park as well, they had to tare down tons of trees and real nature to make the damn Central Park. A park in which it is a real risk to jog or be in if you are a woman alone, or even with another person. The whole town is fucked up, no other way to say it. There might be great shows, museums, and other cultural things, but stepping into that mayhem is not worth it. Especially now that so many exhibits and shows travel to other locations.
    My trucker friend got caught in New York once and was told by the company he should go a certain way, but they failed to mention there was a bridge which was too low for him to go under. Then he couldn’t do a U-turn to get out of the street. It was a big mess, he ended up getting a huge ticket from NYPD, and the company (Navajo) didn’t want to touch it, claiming it was his fault. Messed up.

    Peace & Love

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