The rain is pattering on the small window that looks out over my best friend’s small garden.
I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.
I smile at this…
She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…
I’ve seen it happen.
But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.
….. today is a good day for her, considering other days….or weeks..
She is asleep but her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.
I hope its a good dream.
I could barely tell she was even holding my hand at all, as weak as she is.
It’s so painful, so cruel to behold the strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an empty hourglass.
I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, thoughtlessly tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.
I can’t believe I’m losing her….
My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!
[RUMBLE]
I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass.
Reminding me and pissing me off that the world keeps turning.
In the storm graying light of this small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.
I have done this more than usual lately….
Six months…..they said.
It’s only been 2.
I feel evil that I hope she doesn’t have 4 months left of this shit.
Not as many screams of phantom pain though.
Too fast…
…..Way too damn fast.
Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, who has lives in a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….
Quick, before they disappear….
It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?
Gotta hurry….but, don’t. It’s already too fast.
*sigh* her face as she sleeps….
She’s so beautiful……..even now.
My flower is fading….
The sun is leaving her eyes.
The rain reminds me that I need not cry……the universe does my weeping for me.
Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..
I won’t sob; try not to out loud, at least..
Not now, she gets upset when I cry. Scares her a bit, I feel.
I sit there, helplessly holding my friends tiny hand; staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.
A funeral dirge.
The lightning, when it comes, is brig, loud and obnoxious; the thunder is closer, seems like….the rain, more insistent…..greedy.
“Let her go” it whispers against the panes.
I refuse to listen…
I can smell the trees.
I decide to stroll down our memory lane; where it isn’t raining.
There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.
There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared…
Not literally you perverts….she wouldn’t go for it…LOL!
Sorry, weird sense of humor when I’m stressed.
[RUMBLE]
I am brought back from my breaking heart when I feel her stir under the blankets….
The thunder moves her.
Her see that her eyes are open and I follow her hooded gaze.
She is looking out the window, watching the storm.
Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..her eyes.
She is quiet….Still.
Oh so still…..
I notice a small tear running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…
Reaching up, I wipe the tear away with the back of my fingers.
She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips, kind of startling me; she holds it there for a brief eternity ….she surrenders my hand, along with a tired sigh.
She turns her eyes toward me; she’s studying my face.
She watches as I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of the tear….
She gives me that shy grin of hers; then painfully, turns back to the storm.
“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky still reflecting in those pretty eyes.
“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.
She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze; imploring.
“I’m serious” She says.
My face softens, I will not cry….
“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.
This sucks ass…
I can’t squeeze hard. She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.
She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….
She says “Think of me when it rains….”
I cannot cry in front of her….
I will not….
My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….
“I hope it rains forever” I say….
Her eyes are closed now…
Her fingers relax in mine….
“It doesn’t hurt now…” she whispers.
I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers.
Then… I knew. Just like that.
“No…don’t go…” I say
I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.
If she heard it, at all.
No God….not her….
Not my friend…..
Take me instead, I’ll go.
I’ll go… NOW.
{rain; lightning…..distant thunder}
Her heart has finished its toil.
I can’t breathe….
She has gone from me into the storm….She is in the sky.
She lives where the lightning is born….and dies.
Our joined lives become only memories….[snap fingers]
Just that quick.
I can no longer see her. Only remember her.
I can cry now. She’s gone.
But, I think it still upsets her…so….
I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…
I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.
She will watch our children grow.
She will watch our children become best friends.
It is time for me to weep for my lovely…
Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?
I’m selfishly grateful that I was the last one to kiss her goodbye.
I can already hear her voice in my head…
“Cry baby”
I smile….
It’s true….
She’s here…..right now.
After all….. It’s raining.
Rampant ADHD 
That is so very beautiful. . . .It made me remember and it made me weep.
The post of “busymindthinking” hit me in my heart. I could see just see it… “Think of me when it storms”
Damn near broke my heart!
me too
I can’t tell you how my heart is beating…but how I can’t breathe at all. I can’t tell you about the tears I’m crying…I may drown if I open my mouth. This is absolutely beautiful. This is Cindy and I. I can’t send the hug I’d like to give you; it’s too big to type. Much love, Belinda
I’m glad you liked it.
It got me first…
My friend, I completely forgot to ask permission and re-blogged it, I was so taken..is that okay? If not, I can delete it, without offence, please let me know.
It’s my honor….
Thank you. I am usually very mindful of re-blogs and permission, but it went right out my head when I read your post.
I did it for you and your friend.
It was yours before it was mine.
I won’t ever find the words…I’ve read it three times already, and still can’t find a way to say how it impacted me.
You’re giving me too much credit lol!
Reblogged this on Busy Mind Thinking and commented:
I wrote something, that my friend said inspired him to write this…and I still can’t breathe…it’s too beautiful.
Reblogged this on Martha Keim-St. Louis' blog and commented:
moved me too, thanks trez
This incredibly moving. The tears don’t stop. I think everyone is going to re-blog. Thank your.
I had no idea…
I just wanted to write something nice for Belinda. I hoped that when it made me tear up a little bit while I wrote it that she would like it.
It was beautiful to create.
I don’t want to say that I’m proud, I want to say THAT is why I love to write. I’m happy it touched her so much, I was just returning the favor.
Reblogged this on The English Professor at Large and commented:
Incredibly touches hearts and souls of anyone who has lost a loved one.
I think this is your finest hour.
I guess Michigan agrees with me… LOL!
Great!
My muses are geese and turkeys!
What an amazingly beautiful tribute.
This is a time of loss for me so poignant to be reading this. Beautiful and moving. Thank you
My pleasure… And Thanx.
I’m glad it could help if just a little.
I lost a best high school friend due to cancer. I talked with her just before she died. This reminds me of my friend. Tears cascade down my cheeks and God is crying too as the heavens open up. This is lovely.
Thank you very much.
If we can’t hold them, thanx to memories, we can still feel them.
What a touching and awesome presentation of your story! Blessings, Natalie 🙂
Thank you.
That was really. Pretty baby
Really beautiful!
So very beautiful, Trey. Felt as if I could still feel my mum’s hand. Can’t even say more. Tearing up just remembering. A perfect tribute to all our loved ones lost.x
Thanks dear.
I never thought people would react so.
Maybe because I wrote it as a gift to Belinda and not for ego lol!
What a soulful story, I liked it!
Thanx mommy!
Reblogged this on HedgeWriter and commented:
The dude in the picture standing in front of the truck has an amazing and beautiful heart…a soulful writer with a tenderness that pierces. Thank you, Trey.
Wow I’m crying here at my desk reading this! Truly amazing expression, tender and raw with emotion! I love where you said I will not cry. I always cry! How could you not with something as touching as this. This happened with me and my Pa so I could feel what you shared here! Blessings to you! 😀
It moved me when I read Belinda’s simple post at first…
It moved me when I wrote mine in response to their loyalty to Cindy…
I didn’t cry until after I read her comments…
Then I knew…
It was a good day.
Thx again MM
Don’t we want to touch hearts? I think we all want to feel that feeling like Ya I did something really good! Like a heart smile! Have a blessed day!:)
This is so unbelievably real… It tells the story that so many grieving hearts aren’t able to put in words.
And you my friend have done it. 🙂
Thx so much 😉
His is so touching. So beautiful!
Thank you