“Why are you crying?” Sara asked a weeping Ben as she walked into the kitchen.
Ben was blinking his eyes hard.
His mouth was opening and closing with the exact timing of each blink….
His hands were lying flat on the counter straddling a large pile of chopped up onions.
He said “They tried to get away …I….I…I had to kill them”
Sara snorted….then pointed out….
“You have to rinse the onions in hot water so that they won’t make your eyes water goofy” Sara said as she walked past him to the fridge and opened
it, looking for….something….
He jabbed the knife at her back with quick ninja strokes and stuck his tongue out at her…
When she turned back to him, he was standing there spreading the onions around with the knife in one hand, licking his lips and wiping his eyes with the other.
He wasn’t doing anything wrong….
What was he up to?
“Why are you cutting up onions anyway?”
“To sell, so I can pay the light bill for the fridge door being held open for hours”
Sara wasn’t stepping into that trap…..
Something was stinky….
Sara looked around the kitchen again, this time with the eye of a master wife detective.
Ben scooped the onions into a pot.
It was suspicious that he was acting so un-suspicious.
She asked “What did you do?” still glancing around the kitchen for signs of man treachery.
Ben put the pot on the stove and stepped beside her and reached into the fridge and grabbed some butter.
“Can’t a guy make dinner for his old lady without being suspected of some terrible misdeed?”
He plopped some butter into the pot.
“Old lady…?” she asked with a righteous lilt.
“Yeah…old lady, ball and chain, battle-axe….you know…?” he looked at her with an un-guilty expression “Terms of endearment honey biscuit”
“Mom’s not that old” said 8 year old Trish, who had been sitting next to her father while he had been chopping up the onions.
“Yes she is” disputed her 6 year old little brother Brady, sitting on the opposite side of the counter.
Ben looked over his shoulder from his place at the stove and told Trish “Listen to your brother, he knows an old person when he’s seen one”
Sara wasn’t buying it….
Something was rotten in Denmark.
“You’re older than Mom, Dad” Trish pointed out.
Ben said “It’s not the year’s baby girl, it’s the mileage”
Brady gave his Dad a high five.
Trish stuck her tongue out at her brother.
He stuck his out at her.
Sara stuck her tongue out at all of them.
“Please don’t make me kill you guys” said Sara.
Sara was a woman.
Sara was a wife.
Sara was a Mom…
Sara was not easily fooled.
She KNEW things….
She smelled a conspiracy afoot.
“I know you guys are up to something” She said.
Ben kept stirring the melting butter into the onions.
Trish kept tapping her IPad.
Brady…well, Brady just did Brady stuff.
They didn’t respond.
“I will catch you my pretties” Sara warned in the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West.
She walked up to Brady and wrapped her arms around him….
The weakest link in this coven of deceit.
“Brady…” Sara cooed “Tell mommy what you guys are up to”
She smooched her son on the face.
Brady did not break.
His life had been threatened earlier and the promise of rewards for loyalty and secrecy….Oh yes, the rewards would be awesome!
“I’ll let you stay up with me and dad to watch scary movies”
Trish dropped her IPad on the counter in protest “Hey, why does he get to stay up late?!”
Trish heard her dad clang the spoon in the pot a little louder and she ended her protest.
Toby, the families big English bulldog came waddling into the kitchen and stopped at the door
He sniffed the air as he looked around at his family.
Sara pointed at him and asked “Toby, are you part of this?”
Toby turned around, looked to the left….then to the right.
He decided to go straight back onto the couch.
When he got back into his spot, he rested his big sloppy head on the arm rest and watched Sara with un-guilty eyes.
Tabitha the cat jumped onto the couch and crawled up to her usual perch on top of Toby’s head.
They both stared at their humans….
“Good dog” said Ben.
“What about me dad, I’m good too, I didn’t tell Mom about her present!” cried Brady.
The spoon clanked ….
Trish whispered “ooooooo, you are SO dead…..D-E-D dead!”
She knew how to work her little man.
Ben slowly turned from the stove and looked at his traitor son.
“I don’t like this kid, can I get a new one, one that doesn’t spill his guts to every beautiful woman that comes along?” he asked.
“I want a sister this time!” said Trish with hope.
Brady went back to his Brady stuff….with a fat pouty bottom lip.
Sara asked “What’s my present?”
Ben turned back to the stove and said “A divorce”
Sara snorted…”You’re not that lucky”
“Can I tell her dad?” asked the traitorous suddenly up for sale child.
“Go ahead you big rat fink” said Ben as he stuck his tongue out at his son.
“You’re going to a day spa mom!” shouted Brady
Sara was dumbfounded.
She said “Wow….that’s great! “Who’s bright idea was this?”
The three conspirators all pointed at one another.
Sara decided that she liked her little tribe….and that damn dog….and that damn cat.
“Okay” she told all three of them….
“I guess you can live”
Brady shouted “Do I still get to watch scary movies!?”
Sara and Ben both said “No!”
Trish pointed a finger at her brother and shrieked at him with evil big sister hilarity.
“Someone as old and decrepit as you need’s a day to herself” said her soon to be dead husband.
“Thanks a lot” she said as she popped his butt with a wooden spoon.
Ben swooned “Oo yeah baby!”
The kids gagged…
The onions and love in the air smell great!
11 thoughts on “Family Time: Doin’ Mom A Solid”
I loved this!
I was feeling goofy! Lol!
You write as if you were a witness to an actual event.
Reblogged this on Martha Keim-St. Louis' blog and commented:
He’s ba a ack.
I haven’t seen you around lately, I hope everything is OK!
You know i crave your praise and ass chewings!
I hope you are well.
Have a great weekend, and…. I forgive thee…
forgive me for my future transgressions, funny guy. And thanks for asking
weeping for the father’s tears…. onions, rough customers
I laughed, I cried, etc. Thank you!
CRY baby! Lol!
Hey! It takes one to know one!